Welcome to the board
Bonnie...welcome to the board. I think your feelings are totally normal. After all, we were all taught that salvation comes ONLY through the JWs. Probably one of the best things for you to do is to read others' experiences and stories. Sometimes just knowing that others have been through what you have is very validating and freeing.
Part of the methodology of the cult is to keep people isolated so that they feel there is no other choice for them. The internet is changing all that.
It took me years before I realized that Jehovah had not abandoned me. When I became inactive, I felt that I was unworthy to even pray and that unless I was actively serving Him as a JW, I would be unacceptable. That idea was untrue.
Four years is really a very short time to get over the effects of a lifetime of cult indoctrination. I can almost guarantee, however, that if you DID get reinstated and began attending again, you would find yourself viewing the BOrg in a totally different light. I doubt that you would be able to remain active for long. Once a person begins to think, the cult never looks the same to them again.
I cannot add to this much. Everyone took the right words. I am glad you found this place, and hope you stick around. I have found such a comfort from the people here and know you will too.
I am really impressed with this thread, it reminds me of the first time I posted. I actually had tears in my eyes reading the responses.
If you value your life and your children's
run as fast as you can from the ORG.
It will sap every drop of your life.
Realize that it is a cult and that you
are suffering from brainwashing. I beg
you to investigate this very carefully.
Read your bible and pray to God. Ask him
if this it is truly his Org. and then
Wishing you freedom and happiness, Emyrose