by bonnie38 13 Replies latest jw experiences

  • bonnie38

    I have been browsing this site for a short time, and I have found it very inteteresting. My personal story is lengthy, so I will not bore you with it at this time. This is my dilemma: I was disfellowshipped four years ago. At the time, I did not want to be disfellowshipped. I felt that I was repentant. I voluntarily confessed my wrongdoing; no one would ever have known what I had done if I had not told the elders myself. I did not want to be a bad person. I wanted to be good. But in the end I was disfellowshipped. Since then, several times a month I dream about getting reinstated. I have had no contact with Jehovah's witnesses in 4 years. This year I went to the Memorial. I felt very overwhelmed. I guess I'm confused. I dream about getting reinstated when I am asleep, but when I am awake, I think,"Why would you want to associate with such nasty people?"
    I believe basic Bible teachings taught by Jehovah's Witnesses. But I'm not sure what to do. I think that I am a better person than I was before getting disfellowshipped. I was extremely depressed, to the point of wishing that I was dead, when I was one of Jehovah's witnesses. This depression has since resolved. I am happier. I have better friends. I have developed skills to cope with the ups & downs of life. Yet several times a month, when I am asleep, I still dream about getting reinstated. This bothers me.
    I hope someone on this site has some ideas that could help me.

  • Seven

    Hello Bonnie38, Welcome. It's nice to meet you. If you have a chance go to the Mental Health & Depression forum and read a thread titled: Post-Cult After Effects. I think it may be of some help. I look forward to reading your posts.


  • logical


  • bonnie38

    Thank you for the suggestion. It was helpful.

  • outnfree

    Welcome to the Board, Bonnie!

    Me, I had opposite dreams: I used to dream that I was sitting in the back of the KH, sitting perpendicular to the platform, smoking a cigarette. I felt I didn't really belong there. Can't remember if this was BEFORE or after my baptism. Definitely after I quit smoking in order to be eligible, though!

    Our subconscious works in mysterious ways. My advice (despite the above WARNING! WARNING! which I totally ignored) is to remember that the REALITY of your life now is much better than it was when you were depressed and in the Borg. ENJOY your Christian freedom! You DESERVE happiness.

    Maybe your dreams are telling you that you are WORTHY of being reinstated. You probably are according to JW regulations. But if your present reality is so happy, accept the knowledge that you are a fine and GOOD person, and BE happy!

    (writing this without ever having checked out the Mental Health forum)

  • bonnie38

    Thank you for your thoughts. It's the "being happy" part that I have not been able to achieve. Some times I think that, even though I am a better person now than I was previously, I will receive eternal destruction because I am not part of the "true religion." And then I remind myself that when I was "in the truth," I was very unhappy, I felt that I was worthless, and I was unable to uphold ther code of conduct. I guess I really am confused (or maybe I'm just losing my mind). I read motivational books & listen to motivational tapes. I make a conscious effort to do good things for others. I try to be a good mother(I am a single parent). I give 110% on my job every day. I set goals for myself and achieve them (sometimes after a struggle). So I don't understand why happiness is so elusive. It's not that I have no enjoyment in life, because I do. It's just that at the end of the day, down deep inside I still feel like a worthless person.

  • Skimmer

    Hello bonnie78 and welcome to the board:

    You have the power to improve things in your life and you're making a good start by talking to others who've been in similar situations and who've had similar experiences.

    God sees your struggle. He sees that you are the best mom you can be. He sees that you think of the welfare of others. He sees that you are a good worker and that you're thinking about your future. For these and other reasons he has granted you the great and terrible gift of introspection. He is waiting patiently for you to use this gift and so understand that you are not worthless. Who knows? Maybe He pointed out this board to you to help you out.

  • Introspection

    Hi Bonnie, first I'd like to welcome you to this board. As far as this feeling of worthlessness is concerned, I'm sure you see that it is based on the JW opinion of personal worth. No doubt you know the bible says God reads the heart. You say you still believe in basic bible teachings, while I don't know exactly what that is for you I do want to point out that there's a big difference between those teachings and the approval of man. After all, disfellowshipping is basically peer pressure isn't it? It may be that you still long for the fellowship of those days, but if it is just the opinion of man, what is THAT worth?

    It's just that at the end of the day, down deep inside I still feel like a worthless person.
  • Gopher

    Hi Bonnie.

    Your story reminded me of one of Jesus' parables. It was the one about 2 men praying. One was the Pharisee, "Oh God, I fast, I give the tenth of everything, and I'm not like that sinful tax collector over there." The other was the tax collector, unwilling to even look skyward, saying "Oh God, be gracious to me, a sinner".

    Jesus said the "sinner", the so-called "worthless one" went home as one proved more righteous than the Pharisee.

    Like the Pharisee, the JW's (through the man-made harsh rule of shunning) treat you as worthless. What's important though is God's view of matters.

    The elders who ruthlessly dismissed you from the organization were operating at man's level. They can disfellowship you from an organization, but they can NEVER disfellowship you from God. Only you have that decision -- of fellowship with God.

    You are so worthy of commendation, I just cannot tell you. Welcome to the board and I look forward to more of your posts.


  • freddi

    hi there bonnie,
    don't feel depressed because Jehovah has not left you. He will always be in your heart. continue to pray to him although i am sure that you were probably told that once you are disfellowshipped that Jehovah does not hear you anymore. surround yourself, as you have done, with good friends and get on with your life. it will be hard. i know. i have been there. always remember that we leave Jehovah, He never leaves us. so keep on praying to Him. life does go on.
    welcome to the board.

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