The Real Me

Satanus

I haven't shared much about myself. Sorry, no pics, but i will write a little bit about where i'm at and where i have been, so to speak.

I'm still working on finding myself, believe it or not. My parents used heavy shame based discipline, as well as the physical stuff. Shame makes one want to literally dissappear. Parts of me did almost completely. Used as discipline, shame is even more powerful than guilt. Then, after that, for the next 26 yrs or so, the wt further encouraged self effacement w their doctrine of self sacrifice. I blame them, but i really did it myself, with their encouragement.

Anyways, i'm waiting for the real me to wake up, so i can find out what i really want to do with what time i have left. Meditation and solitude is helping me in those directions. I use them to get past the 'shoulds', the requirements of others for which i sacrificed myself.

SS

RAYZORBLADE

Hey Saint Satan. I haven't read every post you've placed on here, but myself, well...I'm pretty much faceless on here, except for that silly 'car crash' photo I placed on here beside my name.

It has been close to 20 years since I left the Borg. I had no family in the organization, but I alienated myself so badly from them as a result, it was like being shunned on purpose by them.

Years later, things are definitely better. It is definitely not an overnight journey to 'find oneself' that's for sure. But when you get there, the journey leading up to it, will be well worth recording and remembering.

Shame is a powerful tool.

But from what I am reading, you are shedding your past, and working to restore yourself, under your own terms.

I am 40 now. It is only in the last couple of years that I have felt any contentment. I think as days/weeks/months and years go by, we get better at being: ourselves.

Saint Satan, forgive me if I have taken liberties here at writing what I have written, but when I read what you read, I saw some similarities in some of where I have been.

Like a fine wine and single-malt scotch: it gets better with age

musky

I hope all goes well with you and finding yourself. I think it is a neverending process for everyone. Like going to school until we die. We can never learn or understand it all.

Navigator

SS

Based on your posts, I would say that you have come a very long way in finding yourself. I always look forward to hearing what you have to say. It is clear to me that we think very much alike, but have come to that place by different paths. I was blessed with wonderful, loving, and supportive parents. My own journey of self discovery began when my wife decided to become a JW. It moved me out of my "comfort zone". Perhaps our teachers come to us in strange forms.

blondie

The Real Me. I remember when I started that quest. I am still on it. It never ends for any one.

I suggest just trying things out. Not necessarily life-threatening behaviors but be open to new things like children are. Try it out, don't like it, spit it out. Like it and you don't die, save that. Don't listen to that voice in your head telling you that you will fail, you are not good enough, doomed. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. So SS, enjoy this passage.

It is only too late when you are dead. Malcolm Forbes

Blondie

xjw_b12

Saint. Thanks for tha inside introspective. We both signed on close to the same time,, but I lurked.....you spoke.....and spoke well. Thanks for the honesty !

Scully

You mean you aren't really the butterfly guy??

I'm glad you're finding ways that are helping you undo all that shame-based conditioning. One of my mantras - used to overcome the same shame-based conditioning that I had - is "Quit shoulding on yourself." If you say it fast enough, it sounds like.... something else.

Love, Scully

Satanus

Thanks for the support. I feel a bit odd 'finding myself' at the age of 49. Oh well, it's not too late.

Navigator and xjw

I'm glad a few people like my posts.

Scully

The butterfly outfit is my disguise.

SS

Edited by - saintsatan on 1 February 2003 14:33:12

Kenneson

SS,

NO! NO! The caterpillar is the disguise. The butterfly is the real thing because it is free. It is a similar type metamorphosis each human needs to go through.

Guest 77

S.S. I use to reflect on the scripture that said, "...keeping proving what you yourselves." 2 Cor.13:5 I applied those words to my personal life and wondered many times who the hell I was. Well, it took time and making a few trips to hell and back to get me to see who I was. Only by sharing experiences, and taking the needed steps to help ourselves will we have a more stable life. As to age, getting old never bothered me, I let nature take it's course, what do you gain by fighting it? I hope you felt better after sharing your thoughts and feelings.

Guest 77

The Real Me

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