I'm so sorry to hear Lutece/Anne, that your experience was so much like mine. I believe those affected the most, were those who had a good heart and bought the whole "package". We wanted to please god, and we wanted to survive armageddon. Even though we might have had doubts, as most said "where would we have gone to?" We were so wrapped up in cultish dogma.
Just had to add these thoughts:I was baptized when I was fourteen, in 1959-60, out of fear and horror at the thought of god killing me just for NOT being a JW. And I wanted to be a good girl. After fulfilling my "vows", by not furthering my education, and not dating "worldly guys", and cutting off "worldly family and friends", I was deeply inbedded in the mechanism of borg-ism. I graduated with honors from high school in 1964, and turned my nose up at college and those good employment opportunities, because I was a pioneer, working part-time wherever I could.
It didn't take me long after that to realize that putting in the time was more important than the quality of the accomplishments. Minutes began to dictate my life. Those minutes that I carefully and "conscientously" kept up, so that I would have the amount of time to submit to stay on the pioneer list. Into the second year, I stopped. I really began taking a look at my life, and made some startling discoveries. JW's didn't have all the answers, but they didn't want you to look elsewhere to get your answers. In fact they labeled a person, and considered them weak, and unworthy for certain things within the congregation. It was really not about serving god, but was about serving an organization, the WTBTS.
I stuck it out until I was twenty-one, then rebelled in an unprepared way, ending up married to a non-believer. When I had my first child, I reassessed my position as disfellowshipped, doomed to die, and decided to try to get back in. After all, if I didn't, my mom would not associate with me or her new grandchild. Then, I stayed in a little more than ten years. I wasn't regular in meeting attendence after I got reinstated. I rarely went in service. Still, in name, I was considered worthy to at least associate with. I tried to live a good life. I just wasn't a JW in my heart. I lived with great fear and guilt. I knew the creator knew that, and in time, I just couldn't live the lie any longer, no matter what the cost.
So, I was in initially for eleven years. Out for two. In for another eleven years, and out for good. But it
took another twenty years for me to get rid of all the emotional baggage and rise above the damage that they did to me. I have been successful now, and am enjoying living my life. There are many more happy days than sad. They aren't "under my skin" anymore. They aren't in my dreams. I don't fear running into "them", or answering the door to "them". The only thing that affects me is that my mom and some other family are still in and very active. I'm presently being shunned again.
It just takes time. We were what they call "co-dependent". Simply leaving doesn't resolve the inner turmoil and correct the damage done. That takes lots of personal work and sometimes professional help.
My best wishes to all who continue to struggle with related JW issues. Life is so beautiful. Go out and live it. Be a part of it.
It's not an easy road, but we aren't alone these days, like many of us were years ago, when there was no where to turn to. This forum is a great place of solace! Bless you all for taking part!
