Help me Help a JW Friend

by JLOB 14 Replies latest jw friends

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  JLOB

  I am not JW nor have I ever been. I do not know the ends and outs of the JW religion. I need all of your help.

  I have an employee who is JW. He is a good man that I appreciate and respect a lot. He recently got divorced from his JW wife right after they had thier first baby and he told me today that he has not been going to the Kingdom Hall for a while. I am concerned about him but not sure how to approach him. He has been gaining alot of weight and seems unusualy withdrawn. I am sure he is going through a confussing time in his life.

  What does JW say about divorce? What does JW say about not attending services? What is the teaching for divorced parents as it relates to a fathers responsibility to his child?

  I feel if I know more about JW than I can be of more support to him. If he is considering leaving the JW religion I would like to provide him the support he would need to break away. I want to tell him about this web site but I am affraid of how he will take it. I have always been an understanding and supportive manager to all my employees. I respect them and try to create a positive work environment, one that will allow my employees to have a good quality of life. If I approach this individual the wrong way I feel he may question my integrity and honesty. We have had conversations about JW and as I do with all my employees I listen and provide them the opportunity to share with me. Since I have been open to his conversaations on JW he may loose some respect for me if I tell him about this site.

  That being said if he wants to break away from JW I think this is an excellent site for support.

  Any info or advice you can give me would be very helpful. I want this person to know that I will Love and support him and that his happiness and peace is an important part of his job.

  Your input is very much appreciated

  JLOB
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  xenawarrior

  Hey there !!!

  Sit tight- the experts will be along very quickly. And believe me, there are many here. One of the things I have read consistently here is that the Book: Crisis of Conscience by Ray Franz was the final nail in the WTS coffin for many. I have a copy of it that someone very special to me gave to me and I started reading it recently.

  I am glad that you are there for him. This forum may be the best place for him J.

  XW
• 

  DanTheMan

  What does JW say about divorce?

  Not a good thing, but becoming more and more common among JW's. Especially since many JW's marry in their late teens. I don't know what his exact circumstances are, but judicially speaking JW's are only supposed to divorce when there is adultery involved. Anything else is considered an "unscriptural divorce" and is very frowned upon. I know of JW couples who had a bad marriage and so arranged to have one of them commit adultery so that they could get divorced "scripturally". Wacky, huh?

  This man may be disfellowshipped. I imagine that he may not tell you that, as it is hard to describe to someone outside of JW's how it works. If he is disfellowshipped, and his family are JW's, it means that they cannot have any sort of relationship with him beyond what is absolutely necessary. And his friends and associates at the kingdom hall are to have no association at all with him, not even a greeting.

  What does JW say about not attending services? What is the teaching for divorced parents as it relates to a fathers responsibility to his child?

  Not attending meetings is equated with 'having a lack of faith' [a trademarked Watchtower phrase that is repeated constantly in Watchtower publications and in talks given at the KH (which are always based on WT publications)]. However, this is the best possible thing for him because the treadmill of JW life keeps one's mind just dull enough and indoctrinated enough to never question it. Often times it is only after taking a break from meetings and really thinking heavily about things does one start to realize that maybe JW isn't all its cracked up to be.

  I'm sure that he feels an obligation towards his child, of course the Watchtower tells its' members to be responsible parents, as virtually all religions do.

  I feel if I know more about JW than I can be of more support to him.

  Here's where you have to tread VERY lightly. The moment he suspects that you have been researching on websites such as this, a big wall will go up. The Watchtower is master of the ad hominem attack, and anyone critical of them is considered to be an "apostate" or an "enemy of the good news" (once again more trademarked Watchtower catch-phrases).

  If he is considering leaving the JW religion I would like to provide him the support he would need to break away.

  That is very kind of you, as it is very traumatic to leave this religion. Especially if his family and extended family are JW's.

  I want to tell him about this web site but I am affraid of how he will take it.

  Once again, tread lightly, this site would be considered "apostate" to a JW and in JW world apostates the most evil, demonized people on the face of the earth. No exaggeration.

  If he is still a believing JW, he has been taught, over and over and over again, that he cannot fully trust persons outside of the JW religion, because they are wordly and don't love God. If he is a fair-minded person, then this is something that causes him much mental anguish. The best thing you can do is be his friend.

  Edited by - dantheman on 28 January 2003 21:36:29
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  Jade

  Jlob,

  I think it is wonderful that you care enough about an employee to do this kind of research. JW's frown on divorce and tend to take sides when it happens within a congregation. Most likely if he isn't attending, he is being looked down on by the congregation. He will need alot of support, because when you are deep in the organization, you shut out everyone who is not. If he is in the process of leaving, he probably doesn't have any support.

  Take care

  Jade
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  NewLight2

  Here are some links that will help you to better understand the JW faith. I would go "easy" on sharing this information with your JW employee, that is, unless he shows interest in leaving the faith. I'm sure other posters on this forum can advise you on how to proceed getting your employee to that disire.

  JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES: A CRITICAL ANALYSIS
  http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Parthenon/7831/

  Shaun's Research on the Jehovah's Witnesses
  (Site Contains Photo Documentation )
  http://www.jwfiles.com/index.htm

  My home page - Has lots of links to valuable information
  http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Troy/5385/Links1.html

  NewLight2
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  Scully

  It sounds like your employee might be going through clinical depression related to the stress of his divorce, and possibly alienation from his children and people he used to be friends with. It's so good of you to want to help him during a difficult time in his life.

  I don't know what kind of company you both work for, or whether your benefits package gives you access to an Employee Assistance Program. If this is something available to your employee, maybe he's not aware of the program, or maybe he doesn't feel right about accessing it. You can assure him that such a program is there for him to use if he needs it, and you can let him know that it's a confidential service, and nothing he reveals to the EAP people will be relayed back to co-workers or management. You can also be supportive if he needs to take time off from work to see a doctor to have his symptoms of depression treated.

  If you aren't comfortable talking to him about depression, or if you think he may not be receptive to you approaching him on the subject, let him know that you're concerned about him, and let him take a self-assessment quiz for depression. (These are readily available online.) Let him know that it's not uncommon to feel alone during difficult times, but there are people who are there to help him, and that your door is open if he needs someone to talk to.

  It's important to treat the depression as being separate from religious issues, at least initially. What you're trying to establish in his mind, is that "worldly" people (those outside of the JWs) are capable of being caring and compassionate and of being good friends in hard times. Once he starts to realize that JWs are not as loving as they make themselves out to be, he'll start being ready to deal with the other social and doctrinal issues that come up with JWs.

  Baby steps.

  Love, Scully

  Edited by - Scully on 28 January 2003 22:0:29
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  Solace

  JLOB,

  Having been a Morman and then leaving your faith, Im sure you understand impact of being shunned and condemned. You were taught something for many years and then found out it wasnt true. You know full well what it feels like to be lied to by an organization that you trusted with your life.

  Your friend may be feeling extreme guilt over the divorce and not attending the meetings.

  The one thing that helped me get over my guilt complex was being able to discredit the organization. I already knew they were manipulative and controlling, but that wasnt enough. I needed to know for a fact they were false, so I could deny them as an authority over me. I needed scriptural or written proof of their lies and falsehoods.

  Along with Crisis of Concience, I would suggest the book, "Jehovahs witnesses who love the truth" by Joan Cetnar.

  Joan compiled many of the societies own publications to show the world how they have been contradicting themselves for years. It also provides biblical proof of the WTS being false prophets.

  I remember my aunt was feeling very guilty because she was a smoker and couldnt kick the habit. She couldnt get baptized because of this and beat herself up constantly for not being able to live up to the societies expectations of meeting attendance and service hours.

  I gave her Joans book and she seemed in better spirits soon after. She has since passed away, but I only wish I would have given it to her sooner since she had spent so many wasted years, wallowing in guilt.

  Best wishes to your friend.

  He is lucky to have such a caring one as you.
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  jgnat

  All good advice. I really liked what Scully said,

  What you're trying to establish in his mind, is that "worldly" people (those outside of the JWs) are capable of being caring and compassionate and of being good friends in hard times.

  So it really does not have to be that difficult to help him. Do some nice things for him. Show him that you care. That way, you show him there is life after "death", death from the org.
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  Siddhashunyata

  In recent years, maybe the last 8, divorce has been teated differently than in previous years. The hard line ( more in harmony with the spirit of scripture) of no divorce except on grounds of adultry, the hard line has been cunningly sidestepped by emphasizing that if one does divorce one cannot remarry. In other words the emphasis is now on the idea that divorce is possible for any number of reasons but if the grounds are not adultry than neither mate can remarry. You can see the pressure that would be put on the mate where no adultry had been commited and the mate didn't want the divorce but had it forced on him or her by the other mate. In reality the congregation will support the mate that stays active by attending the Kingdom Hall and going out in field service . It many cases it has very little to do with what is right or good for the couple but more with how to be a counselor ( Elder ) and not risk your neck for the couple or the marriage. Many wonderful people have been victimized by this sham because the congregation Elders will support the active witness without regarding facts. This support adds strenghth to the active witness's resolve to divorce.
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  Nathan Natas

  I agree with Skully - your JW friend/employee is depressed and has embarked on a quiet path of self-destruction. He needs help, but you should know going in that it will be VERY DIFFICULT to give him help.

  You think he's a nice guy, and I'm sure he is, but I can also assure you that HE does NOT think he's a "nice guy," he thinks he is an unworthy failure. Most JWs are nice people who feel like they are unworthy failures because they have low or non-existent self-esteem.

  If push comes to shove, and he resists seeing a therapist (which is likely), I suggest you might make a weekly visit to a therapist part of his "job assignment." He might respond to that by leaving the job, though.

  Is his job physical? Could the amount of physical activity required of him be increased? That might be helpful.

  You've volunteered for a very difficult assignment, JLOB.