Subconsciously breaking the bonds?

by acsot 16 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  Ravyn

  Acsot- first of all you need to realize that the borg has been defining your whole life including your definition of 'friend' and who you have the choice of being a 'friend' with. When I realized this it was an epiphany! (Talk about new light! LOLOLOL) I suddenly realized that I did not HAVE to love everyone unless I wanted to, and then it was NOT this automatic biblical 'agape' thing. Friendship is finding someone who you have enough in common with to develope a relationship where you both get something good out of it. Friendship is not these imposed 'loving' relationships where you are expected to be the good guy and listen to all the pitiful crap someone else spews out to vindicate their own compulsions or make them selves feel better by having an audience to their warped opinions.

  You may be cutting some cords, but the feeling you are having is the 'I-am-getting-a-life-and-you-aint-in-it' feeling of freedom of choice. I don't love everyone, and I don't have to. I am also not used up by losers anymore. People who love me now love me because they know me, not because someone told them they had to. I can grow in that. And that makes me want to give to others who give to me. Real love is free.

  Ravyn
• 

  acsot

  Ravyn:

  Friendship is not these imposed 'loving' relationships where you are expected to be the good guy and listen to all the pitiful crap someone else spews out to vindicate their own compulsions or make them selves feel better by having an audience to their warped opinions.

  That's exactly how it was with this "friend". I was her sounding board for 25 years (ugh, what a waste of time). Then the one time I told her "enough is enough, back off", the claws came out and I saw her real personality. So, am I sorry I did what I did in the way I did it? No. Maybe in a year (or 10) I'll feel differently, but knowing what she's like and finally realizing how I was "used" doesn't make me regret my action.

  I think JWs have such a shallow life, intellectually and emotionally, that all they have to talk about is gossiping about others or trying to gain sympathy from overblown problems - the two people I mention above always had some sort of crisis going on - weird, undefined health problems (nobody at work has anything like the bizarre things JWs have), upsets with others, family problems - it just never ended. And I was the recipient of all their angst.

  It's like co-dependency, and I was probably feeding into it, the enabler.

  It's good to start freeing myself.
• 

  blondie

  acsot, you summed it up here.

  It's like co-dependency, and I was probably feeding into it, the enabler.

  That is it in a nutshell. When you stop enabling, then they drop you and find someone else to fill that role.

  I come from an alcoholic family and when I backed off from the enabler role, they all became very angry and cut me off from their lives. After all, I was of no use to them any more.

  The trick I find for myself, is not to find new friends with the same characteristics.

  Blondie
• 

  Ravyn

  I can't remember where I read this, but it was something to do with psychic vampires and leaching relationships...it said that you can test the 'friend' by introducing ONE crisis in your life(real or imaginary does not matter) and if they are indeed a leach they will introduce THREE things to your ONE that makes their life harder than yours. I can't tell you how many times I have tried that and gotten my answer!

  One sister would only call me when her life was falling apart and then she would call me ten times aday and never take any advice that she asked for, and finally when whatever it was blew over I would not hear from her until the next chaotic episode. So one day I called her. I had not heard from her in a couple of months, and I told her my mother died(not true--but she had no way to disprove it) and wouldn't you know it! SHE had a sister who was dying and an aunt who just buried her 4th husband and some friend of a friend who was in a terrible car wreck. Made me feel a whole lot better in all my 'grief' to hear all her troubles. An hour later after I consoled her and told her that she was being a good little JW giving all those who imposed upon her kindness the attention they demanded- I hung up for the last time.

  Don't miss that at all. And truthfully I can't even remember that woman's name....

  Ravyn
• 

  Prisca

  hi ascot,

  Just wanted to throw my 2 cents in.

  As I was withdrawing myself from the JWs (I did the slow fade thing), I gradually dropped my friendships. Mainly because I felt that since I was no longer a JW, I didn't have much in common with them anymore. Further, two of my best friends were also big gossips, so I knew that anything I revealed about my non-JW life could easily become prime gossip-fodder. And especially because they were both friends with the PO's wife, who loved a gossip as well.

  Sure, it was lonely. As a good little JW I hadn't previously made any non-JW friends, and with no JW friends either. But at least I knew that the friends I went on to make were my friends not because they had to, but because they wanted to.

  There's a big difference.
• 

  SPAZnik

  Yes, I think I have been in a similar place.

  Congratulations
  on your discovery
  that "bonds",
  like the people they bind
  don't have to be "static",
  they can be "dynamic".

  I am of the opinion that You
  have every right
  to build,
  or to burn,
  "bridges" or "bonds"
  with whomever you choose,
  for whatever reason you choose,
  in whatever fashion/manner
  you choose.

  Welcome to freedom
  of choice
  all it's possibilities
  all it's residuum.

  A few suggestions:
  
  Expect both victory's and mistakes.
  Choose to Learn from both.
  
  With each learning in your life
  note your progression through the phases of change:
  
  1. Unconcious incompetence (you don't know and you don't know that you don't know)
  2. Unconcious Learning
  3. Concious incompetence (you don't know and you now know that you don't know)
  4. Concious Learning
  5. Concious competence (you now know and you know that you know but it's all new, you apply without ease)
  6. Unconcious competence (you now know it and you apply it with little thought)

  Enjoy your journey, living and learning about yourself and all the other lifeforms you encounter along your way!

  SPAZ
• 

  acsot

  I can't remember where I read this, but it was something to do with psychic vampires and leaching relationships...it said that you can test the 'friend' by introducing ONE crisis in your life(real or imaginary does not matter) and if they are indeed a leach they will introduce THREE things to your ONE that makes their life harder than yours. I can't tell you how many times I have tried that and gotten my answer!

  One sister would only call me when her life was falling apart and then she would call me ten times aday and never take any advice that she asked for, and finally when whatever it was blew over I would not hear from her until the next chaotic episode. So one day I called her. I had not heard from her in a couple of months, and I told her my mother died(not true--but she had no way to disprove it) and wouldn't you know it!

  Ravyn: That is great advice - I remember when I was coming to terms with my father's alcoholism, I would mention it to a few people and what I got in return (all except for one person) was a litany of the other people's problems. So great to have "friends sticking closer than brothers" .

  I find it hard to get out of my "playing nice" mode and having people dump on me. Discovering proper boundaries and sticking firm to them is hard to learn, for me at least.

  Just like that sister who would call you only when her life was falling apart, that's what was happening with my long-time "friend". It's nice (but scary) to get free.

  SPAZnik: Thanks! I've read about the phases of change before, and it's good to have it here and ponder over it.

  Ahh, I love this place! Have a great day all!