Divorce advice anyone?

by FreeWilly 11 Replies latest social family

• 

  FreeWilly

  Hi everyone,

  Longtime lurker and occasional poster here. I pretty much have already made up my mind, but it seems like alot of good advice can be found here so here goes...

  Me and my soon to be ex-wife were active duds, RP's, Bethel, etc. We faded together and are now completely out. We are both happy to be out. Through the whole process we experienced the effect the "troof" can have on people's lives. It really messes with your mind until you've been out for awhile.

  Anyway, to make a long story short, within the past couple of years she has recipricated interest (email, phone calls, flirtations, meeting together) with 3 different guys. She cheated with one of them (#2). After # 2 I made up my mind that any any more guy issues would immediatly doom us. As it was I was seriously questioning the whole thing. Well # 3 pretty much did it. Even though it was simply phone calls and meeting for a drink once, in my mind it was the equivilant of cheating.

  Here's the rub. I know alot of her insecurity is due to her experience with the "troof" as well as childhood issues. Dating and the first couple of years of marriage were warped due to the JW rules of dating (ever try to be romantic with a shaparone present?). We both made major transitions recently in our lives. Her actions aren't necessarily due to a lack in her feelings for me, but rather due to self worth issues that have created a vunerabilty with the opposite sex. Throughout this whole thing she has been almost suicidal at the thought of losing our marriage. She tried couseling to get a grip on herself. Despite this she has been unable to resist attention from another guy.

  We both care alot about each other. It breaks both of our hearts to see us split up. I understand her "condition" alot more now. I ask myself that if she had a medical condition instead of a psycological condition would I be as quick to leave?

  I've made up my mind. Although I sympathize tremendously with her I don't think I would have the same respect for myself if i stayed and tried -yet again- to work it out. I'm thinking that my choice is to get out while its relatively easy (no kids, debt, mortgage) - or - stay, try to work it out and maybe have a shell of a marriage that used to be. If I stayed I think I would always have a resentment that would surface at the first sign of trouble. I decided to file.

  Any thoughts/advice?

  Has anyone been able to overcome infidelity/betrayed in marriage and truly have a happy relationship again?

  Side issue: Oh yeah, we have been able to pretty much fade without problems. If we divorced, the last thing I plan to do is sit down with any Elders. I wonder what would become of our "status" if we divorced without explaining the grounds. Would they DF us if it became an issue?
• 

  Stan Conroy

  Hi FreeWilly,

  I feel for you, man. I went through a very similar situation 10 years ago. My ex cheated on me a couple of times. After the first time, I had a real problem trusting her. She "acted" like she was sorry, but after the second time, with a different guy, she was out. I've never regretted my decision to divorce her. It was the best thing I ever did. Now I'm remarried to a Catholic woman, and I have a beautiful baby boy. Had I stayed with the first wife and tried to work things out (over and over) I would not be where I am today-happy.

  As for elders, they will crawl out of the wood work and try to get involved. They thrive on this kind of thing. It makes them feel important. DO NOT LET THEM GET INVOLVED! I cannot stress this enough. My ex was living with another guy at the time the elders got involved, and they were telling me that I should forgive her and get back together. They insisted that I had no proof she was sleeping with him. What a bunch of idiots! By the time the meetings were over, they had DF'd her for smoking, (not adultery) and told me that they would have to consider what kind of discipline was appropriate for me. Mind you, I had done nothing wrong. After 6 months they decided to start up again with this issue and insisted that I meet with them. I told them that my life was none of their business, and that I didn't need their "scriptual divorce". It ended up a 45 minute shouting match right in the coat area of the KH. I told the one jackass elder that he was an idiot, and that he had no clue how to handle a case like this. He was pretty worked up, and I was hoping that he was going to shove me. I was ready to "clean his clock" right in the hall.

  After selling my house, I moved to an apartment, and another hall. The elders there wanted to meet with me to find out what was going on with my divorce. I refused to meet in the hall, but allowed them to come to my apartment. I explained the situation at which point the younger idiot elder started to chastise me for my disrespectful attitude toward these other idiot elders. The meeting was over in a big hurry. I asked them to leave, and told them that I would never speak to them on the subject of my divorce again.

  It never came up again, but word got out fast and nobody would talk to me at this new hall. The elders would see me, and turn their backs. The average rank and file treated me like I was DF'd.

  It wasn't long after that I was done with the cult.

  Sorry for rambling, but I thought another similar experience might help you to see what may be coming down the road.

  Best of luck.

  Stan
• 

  beckyboop

  First of all,

  (((((((((((((((((((((((Free Willy and Stan Conroy))))))))))))))))))))))))

  I doubt that any of us could say that the whole jw experience hasn't affected most of our relationships in varying degrees. But when it comes down to being partners with someone, then it REALLY affects us.

  In some of my experiences, 1)my situation was unique in that my husband was gay, so after leaving the borg I knew that I just wanted us to be HAPPY--be it together or not. We are now divorced but still the best of friends because we are happier being our true selves. 2)friends dealt with the issue by allowing (after considerable talking and setting boundaries) an "open" relationship in order to deal with the feelings of not having experienced LIFE like most others do in high school and college. To date, he has had other experiences, and she still wants to but is concentrating on other areas of her life right now. IMHO, they have one of the most honest, open, loving, fun, and intimate a relationship I have seen between 2 people.

  There are also countless negative experiences, where the couple is not honest with each other beforehand and one decides to experiment without the other's consent. There is no way to say how each couple who faces this will deal with it--but the common denominator seems to be HONESTY about what each partner needs, wants, fears, hopes, etc. If you can't talk openly about subjects that make you uncomfortable, then the result seems to be discontent which can lead to betrayal.

  It seems that you need to figure out what YOU need--and how that relates to her. I'm not sure that sexual experiences should make or break a relationship--unless (like in Free Willy's case), someone has broken the trust BEFORE talking it out. I think we are all very sexual beings, and because we don't understand that very well, we tend to get ourselves in trouble. Just my thoughts based on a couple of my experiences. I hope you can keep us posted as to how things work out--good luck.

  Becky
• 

  outoftheorg

  Hi Willy;

  I am sorry to hear of your difficulties with your marriage. I learned a very good lesson the hard way. I went through what you are describing in two marriages. The lesson I finally learned, is this.

  If you see a problem that you feel or know is not going to be healed or go away, take action now to do whatever is required to get away from the problem and the cause of the problem.

  The longer I stayed in denial, kept trying and hopeing, the worse it got and the final confrontation and ending was much worse and costly than it would have been if I had acted in the begining.

  In your situation, no children etc. you only have to be concerned with your own well being and secondary, that of your wife. It is not wrong to act in behalf of ones own well being and happiness If we are in a dysfunctional situation or a sick and emotionaly dangerous situation.

  Willy, I wish you the best. The better a person is, the harder these decisions are to make. This is because a good person will always worry about the affect on others, if drastic or strong actions in ones life are contemplated. Again, it is not wrong or a sin to protect ones self in life and to make changes to find contentment and peace.

  Outoftheorg
• 

  ESTEE

  sorry to hear about the cheating. . .

  I, too, was in a marriage where my mate (husband, in my case) cheated on me constantly. He denied it when I talked about it with him. His philosphy was, "Deny, deny, deny!" Finally, one day I walked in on him while he was with his prostitute.

  At that point, I felt the subject required no further discussion and his ensuing denial. I saw the proof with my own eyes. I divorced him. It became a health issue with me. I did not want to die of AIDS. Seeing it with my own eyes was excrutiatingly painful for me, and divorcing him felt like I was cutting off my arm. I was at the end of my rope, however.

  Today he is an intravenous drug user with Hepatitis-C. He looks like the "walking dead".

  I feel very fortunate that I still have my health. I have been on my own for almost seven years now. I am happier alone. . . than with an alcoholic cheating pig. I wish I would meet someone wonderful. For now I am okay with my aloneness. . .

  And that's my story. . .

  ESTEE
• 

  FreeWilly

  Great input everyone! Yeah I think I'd be better off long term if we split. I think we will always be friends, but thats about it.

  ESTEE, your not alone girl.... you here!
• 

  SLOAN

  Will,

  You have to do what is best for YOU!! Staying with a woman that cheats on you Physically or just by having drinks and showing interest in ANOTHER man is BETRAYEL. It is very bad for a persons self~esteem to KEEP hanging onto someone that does this. A person that can keep doing this to their partner doesn't even know what love, loyalty, or marriage is about. Think about what you really want. YOU can't CHANGE her. You have developed a pattern and let her take advantage of your being forgiving and good natured. Probably was time to put an end to the relationship a long time ago.

  People ALWAYS have a hard time with CHANGE and divorce is a HUGE change. Makes people uncomfortable. I would Highly recommend you Buying a book entitled "SELF MATTERS". Read it. It will help you to learn why you have allowed this, who you really are and also help you to figure out what type of person that you want to share your life with.

  GOOD LUCK!! Wishing you all the BEST!!!!!!!
• 

  scumrat

  Hey freewillie,

  Reading your post was like reading my journal. It's been 7 1/2 yrs since I divorced my wife. I couldn't take it any longer. She loved the attention of other men. She would flirt with them and say things like "they were just friends" ect. ect. Well, I came home from work one day and found her in the closet on the floor crying hysterically. She said she was raped at work ( she worked at a golf course ) Come to find out, she admitted to having sex with her co-worker because she liked him and he understood her. ( I had my suspicions when she didn't want to go to the police to report the crime ) I later found out, the reason why she was crying so hysterically in the closet was because she knew I would not put up with her behavior anymore. I did not need to understand her any longer. She needed to understand ME.

  I got tired of all the bullshit. I had no more sympathy left. Her behavior over the years was not acceptable and she has run out of chances to get her act together. Not long after that last stunt, I divorced her. She contact me last june for the first time since our divorce and she is still singing the same tune. She said that she is getting divorced from her current husband and wants to go live with her boyfriend. I guess some people never learn.
• 

  scumrat

  You've got to do what's best for you.
• 

  Lost Diamond

  FreeWilly,

  I know the feeling of betrayal and I wanted to share my 2C worth. I am recently separated from a man who loved the attention of other women, although he swore up and down that he loved me. Everytime we would go out, if any female gave him just a tad of attention (no matter what she looked like), he couldn't resist flirting. This drove me insane after a while. I lost trust in him...if he did it in front of me, no telling what he does behind my back!

  I felt betrayed, non existent, and very meaningless. What angered me the most was that before I married him he was so bothered by the fact that I was frecuently getting asked out. He was very bothered if any man showed me a little extra attention. I never took the flirting from other men to heart. On the other hand, he found it very innocent to flirt in front of me and continued after we were married.

  After I found this damaging to my own self-worth, I decided to separate from him. I feel so much more relief and sure of myself than I did when I was living with him. I feel as if I could breath again, and I feel very confident for who I am. My self-esteem took a good shot upwards.

  You will feel lonliness at times, but I think that is normal. It takes a little while to get used to a new situation, but the peace of mind is well worth it. I belive there is somebody out there for me...somewhere, but for now I am happy being free from the hurt and betrayal.

  Edited by - Lost Diamond on 11 January 2003 21:5:15