My Story, Finally..... Feels so "Good"
I am a survivor:
I was born in one of the largest cities in the US, lived there for the first few years of my life, during that time I was molested twice, once atthe age of 3 and again at the age of 4, the second
time being a group thing. This was done, by so called "Baby Sitters". Went thru the don't tell or something terrible will
happen to you things. Never told anyone until I hit 22...in
therapy for years over it.
Moved to a very small "Hick" town in the middle of no where..
where I still am.
I grew up in a very violent (ie. guns) and alcoholic family..
married atthe age of 17 to get away from home. Had my first
child 3 yrs. later.
Still stayed connected to my family...and eventually the
drinking and violence stopped and they have since become very
loving and caring people. I still carry the emotional scars,
but mostly got over all that.
( I Think... )
My first husband and I were into Motorcycles...yes, I was a
"Biker Chick" (LOL)..... Never really felt like I fit in....
wasn't into getting, all that crazy, so I was the modest,
"Ole Lady" with Morals....haha. But, ya know, the guys really respected me.
The Witnesses came to my "out in the Sticks" house, I answered
the door with a gun behind my back....always did, for that matter. Invited them in...(two sisters)..laid the gun on the TV....they
about fainted....don't blame them....but, my whole world was guns
Never knew there was a "God" per-say....I know, unbelievable...
but True....knew of religion...but nothing basic. Anyway, found
what they said to be Interesting..agreed to a study...My husband
and I both..... This study was conducted off and on for Years, I
wouldn't commit to anything...
My husband believed it, and I, to a point...times got hard, he
joined the Air Force.....We were over come with tremendous "GUILT" over that....he couldn't handle it and committed "Suicide" at the
age of 28, left me with a small child and a thousand miles from
home. Air Force took care of everything, financially. Thank goodness.
Suicide can almost "DESTROY" the surviving family members..took me
15 years to work thru it...still there somewhat...
Back to the sticks....everyone was very supportive, my parents built
me an apartment next to them....and Again, the Witnesses showed
up to "Resume" the study.. At this point I was a mess, back in
Therapy... zoned out on sedatives....just a zombie...... agreed to about anything at the time....and was Baptised a year later.
Met my second husband, who was baptised shortly after me, married.
Had another child, 2 years later........ He was very zealous for
the truth and swept me along. Never, tho.....NEVER....did I feel the joy others spoke of.....kept feeling boxed in....The teachings were fine to me, but the other rules....bothered me. Not that I wanted to do anything bad.....I JUST WANTED THE FREEDOM TO CHOOSE.
Ten years into our marriage....we found out he had "Sudden Death
Syndrome"......he worked for a PO brother and literally worked him
self to death, so as not to disappoint this Brother. He died on
the job....3 years ago. Again left with a child, I was 42 years old.
More fortunate than most....I never had to do without, always
financially secure. And for that I am grateful.
I lost all reasoning, was -MAD- at God and everybody....etc., etc..
Back to Therapy..........Put on "Suicide" watch....and the Sisters
and my Family stayed with me, around the clock, taking turns, for 2 full months...... When I finally said "Enough"...!!!!!!
I found that I could not Handle going to the Kingdom Hall, emotionally...too many memories..... I was going down hill...found that I just wanted to DIE every time I left the place....They tried to help....tried to find someone with a similar experience, having lost two husbands at such a young (so to speak)age...........NONE.....in our area.....They
couldn't ...UNDERSTAND.....why, I didn't have enough "Faith" to over
come this..... why I would rather die then go to a meeting.... I'm not
sure either...other than it brought up so much Pain....and emotional
turmoil, memories, memories...... having been widowed twice..
made the hurt.....deeper and deeper.....losing your spouse is suppose
to be the number one stressor for humans.....I Believe IT....!!!!
They didn't know what to do with me..... I still have panic attacks, justthinking of walking into the place....I don't do it on purpose.....It just happens.....tried other halls, nothing worked. I absolutely refused to be "Medicated". I was not going to "Sleep" thu the turmoil this time.
Was this all just an excuse...?? I hope not, felt very REAL......
The Elders, hooked me up to the Meetings by phone, for awhile......
during this time.....I started realizing.....I could now make my own
choices about if this was what I wanted or not.....
Wondering, did I ever get involved....for the right reasons..I feel I was just swept along..... during all those years, as a Witness, I became more and more depressed, began to HATE, the formality of it,
the rules, seeing more and more.....unloving actions between the
Bro. and Sis..... No question, I believe the Bible, but doubted
the reason for so much "Pressure". Couldn't get over the feeling
that it was just a "Number's Game"...if your numbers were UP..
everybody's friend...if they were Down...avoided big time....Do
More, Do More.......Never be Content.....!!!!
Over time, saw less and less of the Jw's and more of my Family
and became involved with their lives.....which is "Racing"....found
I would rather be at the track, then sitting at home, trying to stay
awake and listen to the meetings on the phone. Never had the
guts to tell them.....NO More.....so, just started not ans. the phone......coward, I know. They came by a few times....tried to explain,they had no ans.....visits became fewer and farther between.
Met my third husband at the Track, a race car driver...needless to
say......my time is full.....he is a wonderful guy..and I am happy.
"Dangerous" hobby, I know. Setting myself up..?? Anybody's
guess. I worry constantly about him... have to make myself
not hang on tooooo tight.... He is very understanding, tho.
I have never felt so Loved.
My guilt now stems from.....the conditioning to do it "God's" way
or no way....as taught by the witnesses, repressed that guilt
for a long time. Until my 13 yr. daughter began feeling she
wanted to go back to the meetings, worries that she will never
see her Father again.....(resurrection thing)..... Wondering what
I have done to her.......not sure how to handle it.
I "Hurt" for my girls....wonder why...were my children destined to
be fatherless in this world...so unfair....my oldest having lost two
My oldest daughter, who is 24, is in-active......and happy. Never
gave me a moment's trouble....Great Kid.. Stopped going to
the meetings when I did.....( more guilt on my part...but, she is
responsible for her own choices). My youngest...more out
going and a, full steam ahead, type of person....Time will tell...
So......have no real gripe with the teachings, just the pressure and
rules as such...... basically the teachings pretty much describe me...
I am a peace loving person, honest, kind and loving, adore the
creation........I despise racism....Totally... hate where people are
"Classed"....felt the truth does that too....put's us in
classes......worldly, anointed, Pioneers, etc, etc, .....I hate such things....I believe in equality, same for all. LIVE AND LET LIVE...
I cry at Memorial time.....for what Jesus went thru...and I am grateful...
-----agree------ maybe could have been handled differently.....but, who am I to judge.
I want some spirituality in my life, I need that...Have a need for a
higher power in my life....to help keep my sanity....
After reading so much on the forum...beginning to wonder more and
more about the GB.....and who really is suppose to be feeding us
at the proper time...??? Questions, always questions.....LOL.
Well.....that's it.....not nearly as Bad as most....mostly just an emotional guilt trip kind of thing. But, on the road to recovery.
Thanks for Listening... I'm Off to the Track....
Thanks, Caspar, for your story. It's so interesting to see others' stories.
I'm sorry that you have to fight so much guilt. I left jws only about 6 weeks ago, but have always had agnostic/evolution leanings and am now investigating it.
One thing it does not do is lay a lot of guilt all over everyone as religion is wont to do. It also makes you want to use your life more to the full.
Since I left the WTBS, I've found I have much more respect for so-called "worldly" people. Maybe that's why religion appeals to some: you are "chosen," you're one of the select that are going to survive/go to heaven, everyone elese is following the devil . . . . Maybe some people need that kind of elevation, I don't know, but I have a lot more respect for non-jws now!
Keep on keepin' on,
We are so glad to have you here with us! Your perserverence through all you have been through is really inspiring. You Sound like you have been through some really hard times in your life. I hope things from now on will only get better for you. You deserve it! This forum is a wonderful place with a lot of caring people who know just what you are going through with regards to the Jehovah's Witnesses. Please, please try not to let the guilt that the JWs have ingrained in us for so long win!! We are not wrong...honest It's the *organization* that is. Hang in there Cas.
<oops one of these days I'll learn to type!>
Hi casper! Just read your story. I feel bad for all the loss you have suffered. Yet you have managed to go on and still seek spirituality. I think that is great. You can be a spiritual person without being a part of religion. Even though I am starting to question some of the things the apostle Paul wrote, he was right on in the matter of prayer. I like this chapter and verse:
"Do not be anxious over anything but in everything by prayer and supplication along with thanksgiving let your petitions be made known to God and the peace of God that excels all thought will guard your hearts and your mental powers by means of Christ Jesus."
I hope this will bring you some comfort.
Thanks for sharing your story. As I told you in chat, this is a wonderful place. You will find support as you work things through. Please don't go away! Maybe without knowing it, you have provided an inspiring story about love, persistence and loyalty.
And as mentioned above, hopefully the 'guilt' feelings will go away. It's a phase that maybe you need to pass through. As one who still loves God, I feel sure he doesn't want to add the burden of guilt to all that you've already had to endure in this lifetime!
I have a motto that I live by and that is never take advice from someone you wouldn't want to trade places with. You are one person that I would sit by and just listen to for hours. Not that I would want to take on the death of two husbands, but your wisdom. You are the type of friend that I pray will come into my life.
I have a big hug for you and look forward to reading more of your post. This board has been a god send for me (because of posters like yourself) and I hope you find it helpful in your spiritual journey.
Happy to be Free (Me)
welcome and wow casper. thats quite a story. i hope your husband really truly understands you and whats made you the person you are. i would imagine there would be very few people you could...
Two thumbs up!!
wow!..... you have been round the world....you are an inspiration.......KEEP GOING....you are well on the way...the track might be dangerous ..but its just part of your "game" if you know not of which I speak rent the movie with Michael Douglas.......
You mentioned spirtuality..and I can see you want to heal the past...there are many wonderful sources for this type of info ...most of it available on the net.......few if any of these get back to god instructors...are very big on organized religion......Deeporak Chopra, Caroline Myss, Ron Roth just to name a few have some excellent tapes and books availble on SPirit, spirtuality and the journey of such.
Might be worth a look......
Take care ..and enjoy the ride!
Yes, you ARE a survivor! I enjoyed reading your story.
I am a peace loving person, honest, kind and loving, adore the creation........I despise racism....Totally... hate where people are "Classed"....felt the truth does that too....put's us in classes......worldly, anointed, Pioneers, etc, etc, .....I hate such things