Strange you would label your own self as a "head case". Your post seems to me to be honest and thought out. Just because a person might be fearful of death and dying, and haven't quite found their place in the whole scheme of things yet, is not a bad thing at all. You are observant and "thinking". That's very normal to me, especially at your age. Granted, not normal to the borg. They don't like a person thinking for themselves.
Actually, this is a good place to be. You are open-minded and are willing to search for the answers. Whenever we can "hide" or "pretend" or "rationalize" or "close our minds", we are just living in a world that we've created....a safe little place. We hold onto things and people (relationships) in hopes we will feel secure. But, we really aren't, are we? That person we see in the mirror is the only person that can take care of "us". I well remember how I felt when I was very young and being molded into a good little JW, and I was told that I was special to have even been selected to know the beauty of real truth. The reason why I never felt as safe as lots of others, is that I didn't really buy into the concept that I was any more special than my friends and family who didn't accept "the truth", and I didn't think it was loving or fair of god to destroy them so horribly. Still, I knew nothing else, because they had also established within me a great fear....When they said not to read about other religions, or go to other churches, I didn't. But, I looked in the mirror and didn't know who I was, or why I was here--and especially why I was so miserable and unhappy, if I had the real "truth" and was living by it's rules the best I could.
We do lots of things to try to "escape" ourselves, but in the end, no matter how old we are, or what has happened in our life, there comes that time of personal rechoning, and it can be very painful. But, if you are willing to work at it, you will be rewarded greatly. You can become the spiritual person you were meant to be, and you won't have to worry about attending five meetings a week, going from door to door at least ten hours, and meeting all the manmade stipulations, to make certain you don't get labeled, df'd, which means you'd be rejected and shunned. That is a horrible thing for any human being to bare.
I don't see your posts as negative or depressing. You are speaking from the heart. There is no magic answer. I read a lot, I meditate. I look inside my soul and I've laid myself bare, and it hurt and it was quite painful, but the change afterwards has turned my whole life around. You need to ask your universal creator(s) in pleading, for guidance and direction, and then relax and let go. Learn to respond to those little vibes that direct you here and there. You will be surprised where your answers come from.
I had some therapy along the way--twelve one-hour sessions with someone who didn't know me personally, but who was very familiar with the JW cult. It was one of the best things I ever did. I was able to see things about myself that I needed to change...thought processes that the borg had instilled in me, and that I thought were gone (because I left the JW), but were still affecting my decisions and my choices and how I felt about myself. Some of us are more deeply affected by the experience.
Like Penwell stated, we have to learn to love ourselves before we can truly love anyone else. I don't think you really want to "go back", but you don't wish to continue living as you are. Going back to that little "box", where you didn't have to think, but were proded and directed by the borg, is a type of comfort zone. It would only be short-lived.
How many times have I read in personal posts here, how some were da'd or df'd and then ended up "going back". It happened to me. So, I think I know just how you are feeling. You'd go back, and then, those old "uncomfortable" feelings would return and you'd have to start all over again.
Some readers here won't understand you, but others will, and that has to do with what everyone's experiences have been. I don't believe you have a bad attitude or are self-destructive in a serious way. I think you want a quick fix, though, and there just isn't any. Sorry. It takes a determination and a dedication to find yourself, fix the stuff that's messed up, and learn to really live life in a healthy way. You might have to change some things, and you might have to accept some things that can't be changed, and you will surely have to "let go".
Actually, most human beings go through this phase at one time or another; but because those of us who were messed with by the JW cult, our experience is a bit different. But there are other cults out there and there is all religion which really does a job on the human being. I have found my way, minus any religion, and I'm happy and content. Others go from the JW's to another religion, and that's there choice. I'm just saying that you do have options and you can get "unstuck". Your self esteem and self confidence will return in abundance, and you will find yourself less judgmentary and more relaxed.
One day at a time. Email me if you like. I'm non-judgmental and a good listener.
Edited by - Sentinel on 3 January 2003 10:45:29