The Grand Drama (another neurotic post)

by DanTheMan 17 Replies latest jw friends

  • Sentinel

    Hi Dantheman,

    Strange you would label your own self as a "head case". Your post seems to me to be honest and thought out. Just because a person might be fearful of death and dying, and haven't quite found their place in the whole scheme of things yet, is not a bad thing at all. You are observant and "thinking". That's very normal to me, especially at your age. Granted, not normal to the borg. They don't like a person thinking for themselves.

    Actually, this is a good place to be. You are open-minded and are willing to search for the answers. Whenever we can "hide" or "pretend" or "rationalize" or "close our minds", we are just living in a world that we've created....a safe little place. We hold onto things and people (relationships) in hopes we will feel secure. But, we really aren't, are we? That person we see in the mirror is the only person that can take care of "us". I well remember how I felt when I was very young and being molded into a good little JW, and I was told that I was special to have even been selected to know the beauty of real truth. The reason why I never felt as safe as lots of others, is that I didn't really buy into the concept that I was any more special than my friends and family who didn't accept "the truth", and I didn't think it was loving or fair of god to destroy them so horribly. Still, I knew nothing else, because they had also established within me a great fear....When they said not to read about other religions, or go to other churches, I didn't. But, I looked in the mirror and didn't know who I was, or why I was here--and especially why I was so miserable and unhappy, if I had the real "truth" and was living by it's rules the best I could.

    We do lots of things to try to "escape" ourselves, but in the end, no matter how old we are, or what has happened in our life, there comes that time of personal rechoning, and it can be very painful. But, if you are willing to work at it, you will be rewarded greatly. You can become the spiritual person you were meant to be, and you won't have to worry about attending five meetings a week, going from door to door at least ten hours, and meeting all the manmade stipulations, to make certain you don't get labeled, df'd, which means you'd be rejected and shunned. That is a horrible thing for any human being to bare.

    I don't see your posts as negative or depressing. You are speaking from the heart. There is no magic answer. I read a lot, I meditate. I look inside my soul and I've laid myself bare, and it hurt and it was quite painful, but the change afterwards has turned my whole life around. You need to ask your universal creator(s) in pleading, for guidance and direction, and then relax and let go. Learn to respond to those little vibes that direct you here and there. You will be surprised where your answers come from.

    I had some therapy along the way--twelve one-hour sessions with someone who didn't know me personally, but who was very familiar with the JW cult. It was one of the best things I ever did. I was able to see things about myself that I needed to change...thought processes that the borg had instilled in me, and that I thought were gone (because I left the JW), but were still affecting my decisions and my choices and how I felt about myself. Some of us are more deeply affected by the experience.

    Like Penwell stated, we have to learn to love ourselves before we can truly love anyone else. I don't think you really want to "go back", but you don't wish to continue living as you are. Going back to that little "box", where you didn't have to think, but were proded and directed by the borg, is a type of comfort zone. It would only be short-lived.

    How many times have I read in personal posts here, how some were da'd or df'd and then ended up "going back". It happened to me. So, I think I know just how you are feeling. You'd go back, and then, those old "uncomfortable" feelings would return and you'd have to start all over again.

    Some readers here won't understand you, but others will, and that has to do with what everyone's experiences have been. I don't believe you have a bad attitude or are self-destructive in a serious way. I think you want a quick fix, though, and there just isn't any. Sorry. It takes a determination and a dedication to find yourself, fix the stuff that's messed up, and learn to really live life in a healthy way. You might have to change some things, and you might have to accept some things that can't be changed, and you will surely have to "let go".

    Actually, most human beings go through this phase at one time or another; but because those of us who were messed with by the JW cult, our experience is a bit different. But there are other cults out there and there is all religion which really does a job on the human being. I have found my way, minus any religion, and I'm happy and content. Others go from the JW's to another religion, and that's there choice. I'm just saying that you do have options and you can get "unstuck". Your self esteem and self confidence will return in abundance, and you will find yourself less judgmentary and more relaxed.

    One day at a time. Email me if you like. I'm non-judgmental and a good listener.

    Edited by - Sentinel on 3 January 2003 10:45:29

  • teenyuck

    Hi Dan, How have you been? Obviously, not too good.

    I have to agree with have to move on. You are an adult who made adult decisions. You found the real "truth". You should be happy and proud of yourself for that.

    My question to all of you in ex-joho-land is, how have you learned to cope with the randomness and uncertainty of life? How do you cope with the fact that you are going to die? And that on balance none of our lives mean very much? Many ex-JWs seem to think that all is fine in the world and the WT misled us into thinking that everything was so so bad. Well, I'm sorry but things do seem pretty bad! I live in paralyzing fear, and it is making me MISERABLE. I almost feel faint when I see the newspaper headlines. I still feel such fear and contempt towards the mass of humanity on this earth, the same feelings that I had as a 22 year old when I started talking to a JW girl who was in a college class I was taking.

    My belief is that there is/has/will always be ramdomness and uncertainty. So What? Should I climb in my bed and cry and hide under the covers? NO!!! I get my sorry ass out, get up, take a shower, drink some coffee and realize that I cannot change the course of politics. I can be a good my taxes, not murder, lie, cheat, steal, adulterate etc. I am a defensive driver, I look before opening the door and I try to avoid "dangerous" situations. Can I change what will happen? Maybe. If I put on my turn signal, I might avoid an accident. If I lock my door, I avoid a robbery. You have to take control and realize you can make your life better. Once you get better, then you should worry about the world.

    How do you cope with the fact that you are going to die?

    Up until 1975, I thought I would live forever. I looked at that with a childs ignorance of "life" in general. Now, looking at what I have learned in life....I have decided that we are all going to die and there is nothing one can do to stop it. You can delay it, however, sooner or later the day comes when your body says "enough, I am going on a permanant vacation." We have to deal with that. The WTBTS taught me I have no soul...when I die, I turn to dust. That idea is much more palatable than thinking I am going to burn forever in an inferno.

    Many ex-JWs seem to think that all is fine in the world and the WT misled us into thinking that everything was so so bad. Well, I'm sorry but things do seem pretty bad! I live in paralyzing fear, and it is making me MISERABLE. I almost feel faint when I see the newspaper headlines.

    I don't think all is fine with the world. However, people have been killing, lying, stealing, cheating, beating, molesting, hurting others since Cain & Able. We now have mass media and literacy. We can read about the things going on in the world....1000 years ago, not too many people could read. We have it better today than ever. We have medication to stop some horrible diseases. We have transportation so going from point A to B does not take 3 takes a few hours. (do you really want to be in "Paradise", riding a donkey (if you are lucky), drinking out of a stream, peeing in a bush, crapping in a hole and seeing the same people FOREVER?!!!!)

    Living in paralyzing fear is unhealthy. You really do need to get some outside, objective therapy. You may want to try anti-depressants. You are making yourself sick over things you cannot control.

    My prescription: 1. Stop reading the paper and watching the news. 2. See a doctor about anti-depressants. 3. Start will feel in control and start to feel physically better. 4. Go back to school. Take out loans, look for grants, do whatever it takes to get you back into school so you can learn about other things. Anything. Pottery making. Woodworking, History, Law, Biology. Excercising your brain is as important as your body.

    You will meet people in school (adults returning for any number of reasons)...who knows, you might meet the girl of your dreams who will change your whole attitude.

  • JamesThomas


    A wonderful heart-felt post. How to find peace?

    Moments like these, when things are crashing down (or at least we come to noticing what has been crashing down all along), are opportunities to look deeper into the only thing we know for certain -- our own existence, our own being.

    Deep and personal heart-felt questions deserve equally intimate heart-felt answers. Answers, which only you can supply. Point your attention within yourself. Be open and trust -- that what you seek is there.

    You may find this helpful. I did.


  • Francois

    Dan, go get yourself a copy of The Urantia Book. Read it. You'll feel better.


  • happyout

    Wow, with that kind of thought process it's a wonder you ever did leave! However, one of the things religions usually teaches that I agree with is that it helps you to help someone else. So, if you have too much free time, and not enough to do, volunteer. Since you don't seem to feel very highly about other adults, why don't you do some volunteer work for children? Become a mentor, or work at a YMCA, a Boys and Girls Club, something that will bring you in contact with the joy, innocence and beauty of youth. No matter how bad my day is (and trust me, it gets VERY BAD sometimes) all I need is a smile from my son, and my spirits are lifted. Find a young person who needs attention, and give it to them. Believe me, it will make you feel better about yourself, and show you the real purpose in life.

  • DanTheMan

    Thank you all for your kind responses. I'm basking in reflective glory right now, OSU having bagged a national championship and all, so I'm feeling a little better.

    When I investigated the WT and found out what a crock of sh!t it was, (and kicked myself for not seeing some things that were right in front of my face) it was so liberating. What I failed to realize was that life is still life whether you're JW, Christian fundie, Hare Krishna or whatever. I am an addiction-inclined person by nature, and the WT filled that addictive void. I have nothing filling that void right now, for the first time in my adult life I'm without crutches. Some days are better than others. When I started this thread yesterday I was in hell.

    I'm reading Feeling Good, the New Mood Therapy right now. The essence of the book is that our emotions follow our thoughts, so to cure your emotional ills you have to change your thinking. Hopefully some of the advice it contains can help me break these crazy thinking patterns that my mind gets so locked into.

  • Robdar
    Dan, go get yourself a copy of The Urantia Book. Read it. You'll feel better.


    Hooray, another person that has heard of the Urantia book. They have just started another Urantia study circle here in KC. I have had the book for years and am thinking of going to a few meetings. Have you been to any? What's it like?


  • rebel

    Syn said "You could become cannon fodder for a suitcase nuke tomorrow, dude! So, live each day as if it were your last. Relate to people. Challenge them, learn from them, love them.

    That's about it!"

    Syn - I think what you said is so simple and to-the-point. I need to keep reminding myself of this constantly. We all think we are invincible and will be here tomorrow (well I do, anyway) - but who knows?

    Thank you for this.


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