OK, y'all know I'm a head case, and this is one of my typical head-case posts, so you've been warned. I'm sure the Bethel monitors love my neurotic posts. ("See what happens when they leave?")
One of the characteristics of a radical movement like JWs is grandiosity. As JWs we saw our lives as part of a cosmic drama being played out, a universal play in which we played an essential part. Of course this grandiosity is hugely appealing to someone who has no confidence or self-esteem. The WT propaganda machine constantly reinforced this notion, from book titles (Revelation - It's GRAND CLIMAX at hand) to assembly parts and dramas, it was all by design that we saw ourselves as being on stage.
A few months ago I was talking with my bro-in-law, a confident and successful software engineer. He said that he has no problem with the idea that "this is all chaos". I was astounded by this.
I am a person that desperately craves the certainty that I had as a JW. In some ways I really have come to regret leaving the JW's and learning all I have. If it wasn't for the fact that I was so completely heartbroken over a romantic situation that occurred in 2001, I might still be there today (going to meetings anyway, I never went d2d). Ignorance can be bliss. I was a miserable JW, I never fit in at all (but that's always been true of me regardless of the situation as I am quite socially inept). But I wasn't so damn fearful and hopeless as I am now. I often think of going back (even though it would be a crazy ordeal to do so, having DA'd myself and being a known 'postate). I am such a weak and fearful person. I really did function much better when I had the mind-numbing 5 hours of indoctrination every week. I feel like living in the black and white JW fantasy world is better than the bleak and chaotic reality of life in this mad mad mad mad real world.
My question to all of you in ex-joho-land is, how have you learned to cope with the randomness and uncertainty of life? How do you cope with the fact that you are going to die? And that on balance none of our lives mean very much? Many ex-JWs seem to think that all is fine in the world and the WT misled us into thinking that everything was so so bad. Well, I'm sorry but things do seem pretty bad! I live in paralyzing fear, and it is making me MISERABLE. I almost feel faint when I see the newspaper headlines. I still feel such fear and contempt towards the mass of humanity on this earth, the same feelings that I had as a 22 year old when I started talking to a JW girl who was in a college class I was taking.
I joined the Watchtower to escape from my hated miserable self. And what an escape it was! Now that I've left I'm having to deal with me again. No fun, trust me there.
How do you learn to feel good about yourself and your life in spite of all? I can't seem to find the way.
Sorry if my posts are negative and depressing. But I need to get this stuff out, it just builds and builds to where I start thinking about suicide.