The big talk with parents - need help!

by zenpunk 10 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  zenpunk

  My husband and I have decided to start a family this summer. As exciting as that may be there's one issue that weighs heavily on my mind - what to do about both our sets of JW parents. Should we lay some ground rules down with them before the baby arrives (which they will probably break anyway)? How do I ensure that one day my child doesn't come to me demanding to go to the meetings or telling me that Christmas is bad because of something grandma said. I was a JW from age 10 to age 24 and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I'm sure some of you have had to deal with this issue - what have you done to keep your children safe from Watchtower indoctrination?

  You see it's ironic - though my parents shun us, once they found out from my grandmother (who was never a JW) about our plans - they suddenly want to be back in our lives - see, they figure they can save the children!
• 

  metatron

  Lay down the law on shunning.

  You talk to us, eat with us, etc. as a FAMILY, period! Do not cooperate with rude,
  arrogant Witness behavior. With kids in tow, you now have some leverage, I hope you
  can use it compassionately for all involved.

  metatron
• 

  meadow77

  I think you will just have to monitor the time with their grandparents, and talk to the kids first reinforcing what you believe in, before the grandparents get the chance. My best friends daughter is only four and they have already tried to indoctrinate her with JW crapola. The other day she was talking about getting to see her grandpa who passed away in paradise. Her mother explained to her that grandpa was in heaven. She(my bestfriend) has explained to them multiple times that she does not want her daughter to learn that stuff, but they just don't seem to care.
• 

  Scully

  Well, speaking as a mom of three, with JW parents (my never-JW in-laws passed away a long time ago) I can empathize with your situation. My husband and I were still JWs when our children came along, so we didn't face the dilemma that you have now, before you even have children.

  However, when we decided to stop attending meetings, the atmosphere with my parents cooled down a lot. Especially after an episode where my dad took it upon himself to discipline my just turned 6 year old daughter very harshly in front of a dozen onlookers. We did not speak for almost 2 years, because I had the audacity to stand up to him on behalf of my children and not allow him to humiliate my daughter the way he did.

  I think the best way to deal with the situation is to say, right from the outset, that you have no intention of bringing the children up as JWs, and that you expect them to respect your decision. If they want contact with their grandchildren - which you will supervise - they will have to abide by that. They have shunned you anyway, and basically they will either respect your parental decision, or they will go back to their shunning behaviour. Do you really want that kind of conditional love from your parents toward your children??

  My own children don't have the kind of relationship that other kids have with their grandparents. They get no gifts from them. Ever. They've never had a story read to them by their grandma or grandpa. To my kids, grandma and grandpa are nowhere near the top of their list of favorite people, and it's obvious (to me at least) that my kids are nowhere near the top of grandma & grandpa's list of favorite people. My parents would rather get together with their JW friends whom they see at least 3 times a week, than spend quality time with their grandchildren. It was that way even when we were still JWs. So I don't feel any guilt about limiting the time my children spend with them, because they don't seem to want to spend time with them anyway.

  Remember, once you've had children, they need you to advocate for them - and if you don't want JW interference in their lives, put your foot down from the start. If they disrespect your wishes, do the same thing to them as they have done to you - shun them.

  Love, Scully
• 

  Pathofthorns

  I like the replies here so far...

  I don't have kids and if I did they probably would have zero contact with my parenst since they have zero contact with me. But if you have somewhat of a relationship with them, I'd be so firm with them that if they screw up once and take them to a meeting or discuss "the truth" with them in any way they are forfeiting their right to their grandchildren.

  I think every child deserves grandparents. I also feel strongly that no child should be subjected to anything to do with this cult as a minor. Leave the choice up to them as to whether they want a relationship with their grandkids or not.

  Path
• 

  wednesday

  It's my children and grandchildren that have helped me "out"(at least stopping attendance) of the org. I have a really hard time with jw that don't want to be around their grandchildren. Most would, and u have the leverage now-use it.
• 

  Mary

  I don't think there's really a need to bring it up now......your children haven't even been born yet and so I think for the next 2 or 3 years, you're ok........however, once your kids start to talk and reason and stuff, I would make it clear to your parents that you don't want them trying to indoctrine all the crap the Society has, into your children. And if they think you won't find out if they're doing this, think again. I would stress that if you have any indication from them AT ALL that they've been telling them stuff from the Hall, that that will be the END of the relationship, end of story.
• 

  kelsey007

  Everyone is dif. Families look at things in a dif light. What a wonderful thing if you can keep a good relationship between your child and the grandparants. How is the realtionship between you and the parants? Do they associate freely with you in sptite of the WT? Do they hound you about attneding mettings and so forth?

  The key, OMHO, is how YOU raise your child. As a divorced parant my son went to the KH when he was with his mom and of course did not when he was me. THe time he spent with me was a little less than the time he spent with his JW mom. He grew up hating the meetings and the WT. I never talked bad about his mom or really dogged out the WT in front of him. I shared, in a straightfoward way with him why I did not go and would never join the WT again. I tried to do this in the least negative way possible. I think what won him over was my lack of negatism. The JW's alsways dogged others beliefs and those that strayed away- but I never dogged the WT or those that were faithful. I allowed him to make his own choices in the matter based on the best expample I could set for him. FOrtunately it worked to keep him away. In my experience the more you try to keep a child from something and the more you force the issue the more they want to go and find out for themselves. A parant that harps against cigs and makes negative comments eveytime they see someone smoking a cig is more liekly to see thier child at some point try to smoke a cig. The more a parant uses tactful expression and takes the time to really sort thing s out for their child in a loving and balanced way the the more the child child is reseptive to the direction. Keep your parant rules out of the childs earshot. And explain to your parants that you want this to be a family relationship not a religious relationship.
• 

  zenpunk

  Well said Kelsey007 - for all the talk the JWs have of "winning someone over without a word", a good example can keep someone away from the WTS.
• 

  Imbue

  Hey zen

  Tell them, they can only see their grandchild with supervised visits. I wouldn't let them see the child alone at all. You may find that they change their minds and that will demonstrate their true motives. Remember, they are only following orders by shunning you. If they could have an excuse to see you then it would help them to be able to see you too. Then, they can tell the cong, "we are only associating with you to save the grandchildren".

  imbue