I didn't survive an Apostate Convention

by expatbrit 30 Replies latest jw friends

  • expatbrit

    So I get this envelope in the mail. I know it's, like, apostate stuff
    because it doesn't fall to the floor after coming through the letter box.

    Inside is an invitation:

    You are cordially invited to an Apostate's Convention,
    to be held at the Tartarus Club.
    Bring your own virgin.

    Unfortunately, Wal-mart is fresh out of virgins, but I manage to pick up a sheep on the way. Serves her right for informal witnessing outside of Country Style Donuts.

    The Tartarus Club is looking very sharp. Really dark and evil-slavey.
    Must be the pokemon and smurf posters.

    I knock upon the door.

    "Are you a free mind" whispers the doorkeeper.
    "I drink from the Watters of Death" I reply.
    "Enter, O bitter one."

    Inside, I check my coat and sheep, and approach the main crypt. Too late, I realize a dark figure is creeping up to me.

    "If ONLY you knew the POWER of the DARK SI.... Oh, hello Expatbrit"
    "Hello Simon"
    "Sorry am I. Thought newbie you were."
    "That's OK, glad to see you."
    "Enjoyable evening have you."

    Inside the crypt, the lighting is dim. I vaguely see JanH enjoying a slow dance with Piltdown Man. In the corner, Englishman is regaling his audience with the tale of how he went through Gilead just to get into the missionary position with an attractive but dim pioneer.

    Tina sashays up to me in a sultry fashion.
    "Hello, bigboy" she whispers in my ear.
    "Er, sorry, I'm Expatbrit. Bigboi's over there."
    "Oh, well, seeyas later then" and off she sashays.

    A fight erupts over by the literature counter. Joelbear has just stolen Java's Nimrod horned helmet. It's the only thing he's wearing, but Java want's it back anyway.

    Somebody is giving out programs. She doesn't look like an apostate, except that head of red hair qualifies as porneiia all on it's own.

    The program highlights include:

    "The daily sexed." - considered by Englishman
    "Let's watch how we stalk" - LurkerNoMore
    "Being a pagan goddess in a christian world" - RHW
    "Astray lead them discussion boards with" - Simon
    "Godly seduction" - demonstration by LDH
    "Reasoning against the scriptures" - special guest Norm
    PUBLIC TALK: "Satan - he's an OK bloke at a barbie" - Unclebruce
    "Twisting absolutely anything into an evil God-dishonouring blasphemy" - Symposium
    "By the use of worldly logic" - Farkel
    "By involving Satanic authorities in the pure congregations" -Silentlambs
    "By quoting the spiritual food at the proper time at the improper time" - AF
    DRAMA: "The orgy of the Israelites before the Golden Calf" - everyone participates.
    Closing sacrifices.

    TR calls everyone to their seats by playing death metal upon his guitar. I sit next to Seven.
    She appears to be so pure and caring, but we all know that it's just a front. You can't have true love outside of the Truth, after all.

    Waiting comes onto the platform. As emperor, she will open with a blood-curdling howl.

    But, as she's about to speak, the doors fly open, and in charges FREDHALL and his cracked team of apostate busters!

    "Stop! There isn't not going to be no convention!", he shouts, forcing us into the corner with his blazing righteousness.

    We cower in fear. After all, we know it's THE TRUTH.

    "Fred! Leave must you now!" whimpers Simon.

    "The sh*t about hit fan! And mean hard" snarls Fred.

    And with that, he raises his hand, and blasts us into incoherence with, horror of horrors! Kingdom songs!

    One by one, he ends our miserable, purposeless, bitter, materialistic, hate-driven Apostate lives with one blow of the three volume set of Vindication.

    Fortunately, it turns out that we were all annointed anyway. Anyway, must go now. Old Jellyfish Russell wants to know if I can introduce him to VeniceIT.

    Sometimes new light really sucks, hey Fred?

    THE END (can't be much longer now. I mean, look at world conditions! The sign of the times is so clear…….)

  • SixofNine

    I'll have good dreams tonight! Thanks Expat

  • peaceloveharmony

    oh god, that was great, thank you!!!


  • eyes_opened

    rofl! that was tooo funny Thanks for the laughs expat!


  • TR

    ROTFLMAO! Bravo!


  • Tina

    You nut lol,Brilliantly funny!! hugs,SashayinTina wearing her 'I went to an Apostate COnvention,and all I got was this lousy Sheepskin"

  • zev

    That was great!

    Sitting on the Wrong Side of the Fence Class

  • VeniceIT

    Hey you better keep 'Jellyfish Russell' away from me buddy!

    hahahhahaha I'm dying here, Now I'll always think of Simon sounding like Yoda hahahahah!


  • unclebruce

    Brilliant! That's just how I remmember it.

    unclebruce, saying two 'hail Freds' and seeing the doctor in the morning.

  • rollercoaster

    I feel like I wasn't invited to the party. I can do the sheep thing!! And I can Sashay (whatever that is) and I can.... well, I guess I need to be a little bit crazy.... I enjoyed the laugh. Thanks so much!!!!


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