tears of sorrow, tears of joy

by Mommie Dark 19 Replies latest jw friends

  • Mommie Dark
    Mommie Dark

    Coming out of this religion nearly killed me.

    Every single core belief I ever held has been mangled, strangled, drawn&quartered, dipped in pitch and burnt and reduced to carbon ash. My mind and heart got buried in the soulquake; a protoplasmic blob of rage of pain of stifled grief was all that remained of the human who was born me in Lodi Ohio. The physical shell, despised, abused, has tried to quit a couple of times. Burn baby burn!

    Somehow though the old animal portion refuses to die, despite my best conscious and subconscious efforts to delete, delete, delete it from all realities, seen or unseen, evident or otherwise. The quivering naked protoplasmic questioner who survived the emotional crash-n-burn just refused to sigh & fart its last. Go figure the tenacity of hillbilly rootstock...

    Recently I find myself filled with a deep love for all you other people: the survivors, the strong ones, the hurt ones, the confused, even the stubbornly blind ones. I find that for the first time in a long time, there are other things to feel besides rage and contempt for others or self. It's an interesting sensation. I had almost forgotten what 'feeling' other things was like.

    It isn't balance. The rubble is not all cleared, there is still a mountain of debris between that naked protoplasmic bit of the original divine spark and the Clear Calm Center. But the survivor inside is struggling to stand in the hard-won space, and the ground isn't shaking. I may not climb the mountain but I can by god shake my cane at it!

    I am homebound, mostly bedridden, a wheezy wreck. My beloved oldest sister, Judy, is dying of cancer at home. Circumstances have conspired to keep me from going to her. We have snail mail and that's our only contact. THe last time she wrote me, she said our JW sister Brenda has been calling regularly and had come to visit and brought food! Judy dying is no longer Judy shunned! We make these small steps. Love conquers evil in tiny ways. This makes me absurdly hopeful this warm breezy spring morning. Although I cry really often, in sorrow over my darling sister's pain or frustration at my own, I sometimes cry at the joy of feeling something, anything, besides fear, or guilt, or old buried stifled griefs.

    You people are mostly ok. Except for Lurkey-loo: dude, you still suck, in spades. Get off the nasty shtick, you aren't finesse enough to pull it off.

    AS always,
    Mommie Dark
    still crazy after all that Prozac...

  • rollercoaster
    rollercoaster

    Dear MD,
    I am so sorry for all of your sorrow. It seems as though there is no way to reach out and put my arms around you to comfort you and care for you. I only hope that you feel the warmth I want to send to you now. Take care. There is love and joy, just sometimes very difficult to find in so much darkness. Please keep in touch. Let us know how your sister is doing.

    RC

  • outnfree
    outnfree

    Poets are born of despair!
    Your post was very touching.
    Yes, rejoice at Brenda's willingness to assist your dying ex-JW sister! Out of their renewed relationship and fanned embers of love you, too, may have regained BOTH of your sisters. Little by little, Brenda may see what the Society has robber her of.
    I have prayed for that outcome, whatever that is worth to you, MD.
    And may your journey to that Clear Calm Center make you happier than you've ever been!
    outnfree

  • Abaddon
    Abaddon

    You know what I mean MD!!

    Glad to hear your still kicking around.

    I'm in Holland now!

    My email is abaddon69@zonnet.nl; maybe hear from you soon...

  • TR
    TR

    Hi, MD

    I've enjoyed your writings from the first time you responded to me on Tish's board. Must of been three years ago or so.

    It seems unfortunate that it must take an illness to force a JW to have normal relationships, hopefully it's a positive step, though.

    TR

  • Dogpatch
    Dogpatch

    Wishing the best for you and especially any healing on matters of the soul, Mommie dearest.
    Dogz

  • Farkel
    Farkel

    You must know that I love you, MD. If you didn't, you know now.

    Farkel

  • Introspection
    Introspection

    Mommie Dark, I am so glad you have come to this point. I truly believe love is the essential ingredient for true healing. Thank you for sharing.

    Mark

    MD wrote: (btw how do you quote?)
    ----------
    Recently I find myself filled with a deep love for all you other people: the survivors, the strong ones, the hurt ones, the confused, even the stubbornly blind ones. I find that for the first time in a long time, there are other things to feel besides rage and contempt for others or self. It's an interesting sensation. I had almost forgotten what 'feeling' other things was like.

  • Tina
    Tina

    (((((((((((((((md))))))))))))))))0
    I hear your cry,,,,,,and I love you sweetie,,,,,,,,,,,,dont know what else to say except,we're here for you,anytime,always,Tina

  • sf
    sf

    Hi Mommie,

    ~~~longlasting tight hug~~~

    I really had no idea the amount of sorrow you are experiencing. My heart goes out to you and your entire family MD. And again, you articulate beautifully my exact feelings too...well, pretty darn close. I too, forget what those "other" feelings ever even felt like long ago; before i was introduced to the corruption of the wtbts.
    When i do feel really good, its weird, but i feel guilty in a way. Like if i am not displaying how much i loathe the wts, then somehow i am weak. Like i said, its weird. So much to still sort out.
    As i see it though through your post, you've made leaps too MD. Give yourself credit where it is due. I know, easier said than done.

    I love you dearly and if ya ever wanna chat on the phone, you got my number sweets. ~~~TIGHTER LONGER HUG~~~

    Love, Scally

    btw, did ya get my email yet?

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