by LyinEyes 21 Replies latest jw friends
I know I hurt my daughter in law and her mother, because they were pretty liberal. I was very judgmental and was critical of many of their choices, mainly because they missed so many meetings. We literally NEVER missed unless someone was sick.
Now that we are all ex JW's, I am very close to her and to her mother. The mother and I clashed constantly and I would have never believed we could be friends. Now we are.
I am sure I hurt many others. I was a real Pharisee.
Dede: First forgive yourself and BLAME them. My Mother has alzheimers now and will never realize that I am out of their clutches. She adored my daughter and didn't see her for over 10 years or more because she wasn't a witness. I wasn't there for my oldest sister while she was going through HELL with an abuser because ..she wasn't a witness. My daughter is in so much pain because now that she has her own daughter she see's how much I love her and knows how much her mi mo loved her. People that never hurt me were replaced by witnesses that ripped my soul out and left nothing to replace it. They have made me not trust ANYONE at ANYTIME so I guess the person hurt the most is me, I feel like a fool for believing them and raising my children in the bullshit.
As far as hurting our families goes, didn't we all do things that were hurtful?
On a lighter note, I am receiving compensation in full from my son. He's a great kid and I am a "manly man". But, he has said things to me that absolutely devastate me. I have spent many hours crying bitterly over some of the things he has said.
But, there is no question in my mind that he loves me with all of his heart. He has proven this over and over again. As a father, I just can't hate or even dislike him even if I should desire to do so. When I see him again, my heart just melts.
My mom was domineering and mean. My father abused (by mom) and inept at protecting me from her. I regret that I lost respect for my father and left home at 16 under bitter circumstances. My father never stopped loving me. When he died I was on the other side of the world and could do nothing to comfort him. Big regret.
As for my mom, I was able to be with her in her last days. Our relationship reached a new height and I was able to forgive her. She forgave me for being the snot I was as a kid (my words, not her's).
I hurt people in and out of the orgainzation. But, most of us manage to do damage one way or another. It is no excuse but, much of the hurt was actually well-intentioned. I believe that most of us try not to hurt people if we can avoid it. But from the standpoint of being a witness, I think we tended to look at our actions as a bitter but necessary medicine.
We are all entitled to change. We can try to make things right. Some people will accept our apologies and changes and other won't. But, even those we have hurt have hurt others before and after we hurt them. None of us is innocent (excepting, of course babies). Even young children can be hurtful toward other children and even toward adults. We are imperfect.
No one can ask more of you than to do your best from today.
Hang in there.
Marcos
All this has made me cry.
I love you all.
searcher.
Yes, I did. I don't want to talk about it, but I did, and I'm ashamed of it. Foot stompin', head banging, hair pulling ashamed. I hate some of the things I did. I can't believe I did and said some of those things.
All I can do is hope I'm forgiven.
H.S
Dear Dede;
Yes, I have hurt people. The person I hurt the most (other than myself) was my grandfather. In a story very similar to yours, I was very judgmental and self righteous about his drinking. His drinking drove my family crazy, and I was caught up in it. The damn elders never disfellowshipped him for it. He was disfellowshipped for chewing instead. He had that habit since he worked in the coal mines at age 7. He could never understand why it was wrong after all those years. But it was his drinking that hurt the family the most.
My mother and aunt, and by extension since I was firstborn, myself, worried and worried about him. There were incidents where he drove in the wrong lane or down the wrong side of the street. There were times when he fell over embankments late at night. There were times when he was rolled or ripped off by "friends" he befriended at the bar. There were times he had to be helped into bed like a little child. There was the time when we went to the Portland airport to pick him up and he wasn't on the plane. He missed his connecting flight while sitting in a bar in the Denver airport. He disappeared for three days and no one knew where he was until he showed up at the Eugene airport. There was also the time when he got so drunk on the train coming down from Seattle, he forgot where he was going. When he got to Portland he got off the train, somehow got to the Portland airport, and called us because he couldn't find his ticket to Michigan. His destination was Salem. Another time while he was busy in the club car, he forgot to get off the train in Salem. The conductor had to help him get off in Albany. He talked incessantly while he was drunk, and told you the same thing over and over again. I had to cook for him and clean for him when he was too drunk to do it for himself. He had to be watched constantly, because he always tried to sneak away to the store or to a tavern. One time I caught him and took away his beer, and he hit me. I ran away from him, which was easy because I was much younger.
I didn't know then why I felt I was responsible for his actions. I didn't understand then why I felt I had to be his parent, his jailer, his nurse. I did feel like it was my responsibility to make sure he followed the "rules." It wasn't until after he died that I attended some Alanon meetings, to help me get over the great anger I had. I was so glad he was dead. I don't know why. He was my grandfather and he loved me. I made it very difficult for him to love me too, with my self righteous attitude and my strict adherence to the "rules." I did love him, but I was very disappointed that my grandpa wasn't the person I always thought he was when I was a child. I loved him, but didn't want him to know it, thinking that if I wasn't strict in my treatment of him, he would think that I approved of what he was doing. I now know that the WTBTS was wrong. Alcoholism is a disease and needs to be treated. It is not a question of morality. I can't go back and say I'm sorry and to try to make amends. I can't ever ask for his forgiveness, nor can I give him mine.
Tammy
I really feel for everyone who has posted their experiences (confessions). It is hard to think about things we've done in the past that might not be able to be rectified.
I know my main regret is raising my son as a JW until about 4 years ago. I am so glad that I finally left and can now enjoy all of the normal things in life with my son, and watch him grow into a talented, loving, smart and mischevious young man.
One thing I think about often, is how my Dad's mom, who passed away about 7 years ago, Grama Hansen, wasn't a JW, and I sure wish that I had left the Organization before she died. She sent me and my sisters Xmas presents and birthday presents, most of the time money, and we always had to turn it down; or accept it, and say that we're accepting them as non-holiday gifts. How terrible is that? She was such a wonderful person - traveled all around the world, I could have learned so much from her. We could have had such wonderful holidays together. I do not believe in god anymore, and so am not sure about life after death, etc. but I sometimes wish that I could go to her grave, and tell her how much I lover her and miss her and how sorry I am that I wasn't there for her as a real granddaughter.
Another event that sticks out in my mind, was when I worked for the Shoreline Chamber of Commerce, as an Executive Secretary to JoAnne, who was my boss, about 12 years ago. (when I was 21) At Xmas time, she had bought a tree to put up in the office, and I still remember her asking for my help in putting it up, and decorating it. Of course, I said I couldn't because of my beliefs. And so there I was, working away at my desk, while the whole time, she was wrestling with the tree, trying to get it to stand up strait, and decorating it, and me not saying a word. She must have been furious! She must have felt very awkward, especially since I didn't even have a word to say about how beautiful it looked, or anything like that. God - it makes me sick. It was only a couple months after that that I eloped, and quit and moved to the town where I live now, to marry a JW, who I ended up divorcing anyways. Then I of course, had my beautiful son Jordan, then floundered around unhappily in the Borg for serveral years, then remarried the same man...then redivorced, and came to my senses and left the JWs and now look forward to the future more than I ever did as a JW! :)
Okay, I'm done now. Please, keep your stories coming! I would love to talk to each and everyone of you. Happy Holidays! Hope you all have a very Merry Xmas!!!
Despite being a devout JW and always trying to follow the "rules", I really tried my best to be kind and loving toward everyone. I would offer a welcoming smile to DFd people if I saw them - sometimes would speak to DFd people if they took the initiative. I could never bring myself to do the haughty JW look-DFd/DAd-people-in-the-eyes-then-snobbishly-turn-face-away-and-stick-nose-in-the-air that I've become so accustomed to having done to me over the past year or so (even though I wasn't DFd or DAd).
I did make one decision - under pressure from the elders - that I regret to this day, because it meant hurting someone who was once my best friend. When hubby and I were engaged, and meeting with the 'brother' who was going to perform our marriage ceremony, it was made clear that everyone in the wedding party were expected to be baptized JWs in good standing. My best friend, who was an elder's daughter, was not baptized (we were both about 21 yrs old) and even though I begged them to make an exception - even pleading that allowing her to stand for me might give her some incentive to work on getting baptized - but the elder and the remainder of the body of elders told us that we wouldn't be permitted the use of the KH if a member of the wedding party was not a good little dubbie. So I had to cause great offense to my best friend, and consequently to her parents - who were also friends of my parents (in the same congregation). I've never heard from my friend since then.
If there was anything I could do to turn back the hands of time and undo that, I would.
Love, Scully
I've no doubt whatsoever that, following JW rules, I've hurt a lot of people in a lot of ways over the last 40 years. But, honestly I can't think of a past example. I think it's because, like Scully said about herself, I've tried to be kind and loving toward everyone. One night, when I knew a brother was going to be df'd, I leaned over to him and said some things that (I hoped) were comforting. And he let me know later that it touched him.
But now, because of JW rules, I am every day hurting 2 people that I love with all my heart.
My parents.
...
Damn the organization. Damn it to hell.
Craig
Edited by - onacruse on 18 December 2002 21:42:9
I hurt a lot of people through the years, basically with my first fiance. I INSISTED and DEMANDED we raise the our potential children as Jehovah's Witnesses, no if's, ands, or buts. It drove us to the brink of insanity. Our relationship didn't survive, but the elders continued to put pressure on me regarding this relationship. My father called me Satan and said I was rebellious, no good and rotten. It was a wonderful upbuilding experience. Needless to say, we eventually broke up (good for him as I would have continued in this cult because I thought I had totally convinced myself I could get anyone into this crap.) This was the start of the end for me. I couldn't deal with it anymore and slowly began to drift away. Although this was a hurtful experience, I learned and eventually saw the light.
