I know we all make mistakes but did you ever really hurt someone while you were a JW, because of sticking to their darn rules? Did you ever, even as it was happening, feel selfrighteous?
I did. It is something that I have been thru over and over in my head and I have forgiven myself for it, but I can never make it right with the person I hurt.
My dad was an elder , very self righteous, he taught me well, I did what ever he said and acted the way he told me too. I really loved this man and tried to copy myself after him. Most kids do look up to their dad's even if they have a troubled abusive relationship.
My mother was hooked on prescription drugs off and on for years. It got really bad my last years at home and I really got sick of her. I hated her slurred speech, I hated her stoned face, I hated her forgetting the details of my day I told her, I hated her stumbling into the k.h. falling asleep.
I tried to talk to her over and over and she just attacked me and singled me out of all the members in the room she would turn to me and ask,,"why do you hate me Delores, why are YOU doing this to me" ,( I wasnt the only one in the room ,, why me?) It hurt me and therefore I wanted to hurt her back.
I did this by losig respect for her and back talking in anyway I could. Of course my dad didnt see me do this or I would have got a beatin from him. I said many hurtful things to her, I didnt understand how someone could let themselves get in such bad shape. I compared her to other sisters in the hall, my friends mom's, and how crappy of a mother she was, of course not in those words thou.
I saw her drop her head and cry. I felt like I won. I felt that someone had to shock her to her senses. I was always preaching to her about lets go in service together, lets go to the meeting, I was always trying to prove to her that if you just put your mind to it, you can stop this crap. And that by doing things Jehovah's way , was the only way. God, I can barf at the things I said.
Right before my mom commited suicide we started to mend the hurt over the years and she started acting like more of a mom to be than she ever had been in my life. She cooked me breakfast, she cried when I cried over personal problems , my problems, she brushed my hair, she layed on the bed and held me. I was 18 yrs old. I had a talk with her about the way I treated her when she was in rehab, at a family marathon, and told her I thought I hated her , but I really didnt hate her , I hated what she was doing. She seemed hurt, but maybe it was more sadness.
I didnt realise alot of things about my mother until years after she died, and I had my own kids. I was just a teen thinking I was so wonderful in my thinking, that you can be strong and rely on Jehovah no matter what you have to face. I don't believe that anymore. I know some people,myself included, ironic huh,,,,,, need help, meds, therapy etc. Jehovah is not going to make it all better .
I have begged my mothers' forgivenss for thinking in that JW superior attitude, and treating her like I did. I will never know if she really forgave me or not. I can only base that she would, by the kind of person she was while I had her here.
It is hard to live with the fact that you hurt someone like that. I know many will say , you were just a kid, you were neglected, you had reason to act out of hurt, you really didnt hate her. I know that is probably true, but still I hate the way I thought doing thngs Jehovah's way would make it all better, all the extra tough love stuff just didnt work. I guess we all have things that we did as JW's that bring us shame.
Did you ever hurt anyone , by thinking you had all the answers as a JW, and by trying to enforce those crappy rules and regulations they made us do?