- What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
- If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the inpression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.
- As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
- He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."
- If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear, don't stop and think of what other words have 'under' in them, because that's probably the first sign of jungle madness.
- It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man
- Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing
- It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up about a hundred drumsticks, the the guy at the Marineland says, "You can't throw chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them. Man, wise up.
- If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
- I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
- The old pool shooter has won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did all the other cues came crashing to the floor. "Sorry," he said with a smile.
- I'd rather be rich than stupid.
- In some places it's known as a tornado. In others, a cyclone. And in still others, the Idiot's Merry-go-round. But around here they'll always be known as screw-boys.
- As I walked through the woods, I looked up and saw a squirrel. I smiled and he smiled. At least I think it was a smile; My teeth were showing and my cheeks were pulled up. Thats a smile, isnt it? (The squirrel was definitely smiling.)
- If youre ever giving a speech, when you start out, act nervous and get mixed up a little bit Then, as you go along, get better and better. Then, at the end, give off a white, glowing light and have rays shoot out of you.
- Instead of a regular arm, Carl had been born with a pigeons wing. The odd thing was, all through his life, no one had ever laughed at his wing not even the mean kids at school. Then one day he realized why: He looked in the mirror saw that HE WAS A PIGEON! He shit right there, as he often did, wherever he was.
- I dont advocate that children start smoking. But for those kids who already smoke, boy, its good, isnt it?
- Its funny how two simple words, I promise, will stall people for a while.
- When I think of some of the things that have been done in the name of science, I have to cringe.No wait, not science, vandalism. And not cringe, laugh.
- The king threw back his head and laughed. He enjoyed a good laugh, and so did his wife, the queen. When she saw the king laughing she let out a big laugh too. In fact, she laughed so hard she broke her throne. This made them both laugh harder.Then they got serious when they remembered they had the plague. The plague, said the king, but the way he said it made them both burst out laughing again.
- In some countries, what I did would be considered polite, especially Fartland.
- When I pick up a handful of sand at the beach and let it dribble through my fingers, I think, Man, this is not a very good vacation.
- When I saw the old bum pushing his grocery cart down the street, at first I felt sorry for him.But then when I saw what was in his cart, I thought, well, no wonder youre a bum. Look at the dumb things you bought.
- Whenever I start thinking that I am not living up to my potential, I remind myself of the old farmer and his fight to the death with the insane pig. Its an exciting story, and it takes my mind off all this potential business.
This one is my personal favorite: When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Ya-hoo! Were rich! But it turned out to be something different.
And I would like to dedicate this one to everyone at JWD as a reminder to play nice: When I think of all the arguments Marta and I have had, I realize how silly most of them were. And it makes me wonder why she wanted to argue over such stupid things. I think Ill go ask her.