Being a JW has made me bitter

by mamashel 17 Replies latest jw experiences

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  mamashel

  Over the last year after leaving the organization, i have done much research and read many books on the topic of JW's. I have found peace in the fact that i truely believe that it is a false religion and that i want nothing to do with it ever again. My problem is that i have been through, like most of you alot of emotions such as fear, anger, stupidity, (that i could allow myself to get involved so deeply in something), and many other feelings too. The one that i cannot seem to get over is bitterness and hate.

  My family, as alot of you know, have gone through so much with the kh and the elders, that every time i even see one of them this rage goes through me like a bolt of lightning. I really dont know why i feel such anger, but it really concerns me, because i dont know how to get rid of it.

  About a week ago, 2 elders from the last congregation we attended stopped by our house. My daughter was still pregnant, and they started asking her all kinds of questions. Then after treating her like garbage when she was attending the meetings when she was first pregnant, they looked her right in her eye and said, "Oh, we didnt know you were expectig agagin, whose the daddy?" I almost went through the roof when i found out, because we were not home the first time they came by. That was the biggest LIE I have ever heard in my life. Then they came by again, and my husband told them that we were no longer interested in going to the meetings, because of how our family was treated at the hall. They just stood there dumb-founded like they had no idea what we could posibly be talking about. All they did was ask questions about what was going on in our lives, and let us know that one particular "SISTER" had let them know who the father of my daughters baby was. HAHAHAHA... Guess what??? They had their stinking, rotton information wrong. Hmmmm. I wonder how that happened.

  Anyway, my husband told them it was none of their business, and to leave from our property. They calmly left and said they just wanted to encourage us to come back to the meetings, that they missed us. I looked at them and told them the only thing they missed was to have something to talk about. I cant wait to here what they are going to try and do next. I swear if they come back again , i am going to call the police for them tresspassing and harrassing us. That will give them something to talk about in service huh.

  Any suggestions are welcome though, on how i can move on and get over the bitterness that I feel. It's almost like I cant even go on and live a happy life, because i dont know how.

  And i dont have any guilt for leaving the org, hubby still does though, but that will take time too. I just dont know how to get over alot of the things that happened.

  mamashel
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  Marcos

  I was very bitter for a long time and I just sort of drifted away like smoke.

  Truthfully, I still get tense and angry when I see witnesses who come to my door. There is really no reason for me to feel that way. I do not recognize them as having any authority over me whatsoever. I, and my family and several very good friends were all treated horribly by various congregation members and elders.

  Back to the bitterness. When they come to the door I have to remind myself that these people are basically innocent (as far as it relates to me) and many are nice people. I suppose I should witness to them but I just can't summon up the charity and self-control I would need to even talk to them. It is a real effort to be civil.

  I know little about the law, but would it be possible, if you did not want any visits and had told them to leave you alone, to invoke one of the laws concerning stalking? Their obsession with getting in the last word seems to me to fit the definition of stalking. It does seem to me that they have the very immature attitude of I dumped him (or her), he didnt dump me!

  Following are just a couple of stories of things I have done that have allowed me to get in the last word. Perhaps immature, but, what the hey, Im only 52. Still time to grow up.

  In almost 30 years I have only gone to a KH one time. That was to get a copy of the CD when it first came out. At that time, I don't think they had a policy of not selling things to "outsiders". I get the impression they do now or soon will. Anyway, you should have seen the look on the faces of several people when I waited patiently for a meeting to be over and went inside to get the CD. I could tell they didn't want to sell it to me and were dying to know who I was and where did I come from and why was I interested in that information and not a Bible study.

  I had never been to that cong. before.

  I did have one middle-aged sister get a little snippy with me. I told her to tell everyone to stay away from me and to leave me alone. I told them I was an ex-bethelite. That is always a sure conversation stopper. This is Mexico and they are really awed by the Society so they are afraid to get into a discussion with me. Fine by me. But they keep coming.

  Had what I think was a CO come by one day with 2 other guys. They have a disturbing habit of hiding behind the gate when they ring so you don't know who or how many are really there. I told the guy, "No, I'm not interested, thank you." He asked if he could know why. Big mistake on his part. I said, "Because the WT is a false prophet and I am told in the Bible not to fear a false prophet and I don't wish to have anything to do with you all. Please spread the word." At that point the 2 other guys came out from behind the gate and looked at me as if I had just taken a baseball bat to the CO. It was precious. However, this is interesting; they then all shook my hand (a very Mexican reaction) smiled at me and left.

  No more visits so far. In fairness, most people who ring your bell here will "hide" behind the gate. I really hate that and think it is a bad habit. With the number of abductions here for ransom, I approach the gate very cautiously.
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  Soledad

  you have to give yourself some time mamashel. I think the experience of leaving the org is similar to losing a friend or relative, you grieve for a while, even if the grief is diguised by anger and bitterness, but it is grief. I think that timeframes vary for everyone, one year is way to recent IMO so it's quite normal and ok if you feel angry; I dont know how long you were a JW but if it was a long time I know it can be quite difficult. Best of luck to you, you and your husband are in my thoughts.

  Miriam

  DA in 1998
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  Kep

  I know how you feel. I was full of bitterness and anger for many years.

  I was Df in 1995 and altho I vowed never to return I was still trapped to thinking it was the truth.

  With the way they handled my judicial I was certain I would never go back for more. I despised the org, not the people as my family were still caught up in it. I love my family just not the religion they were in.

  For me this was a process that took a number of years. After reading CoC I finally had substance to my thoughts on the church. This helped me to let go of my anger and bitterness. I also found that visiting this site helped see that I wasn't the only one to be treated like sh*t.

  I have a Df friend who also went thru years of trying to adjust and let go.

  I guess it's like a scab really, some people will heal faster than others.

  Kep
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  garybuss

  
  
  Hi Shelley
  
  For me the anger covered fear and guilt and all the other emotions and all the unfinished business. Only after I researched my own core beliefs and dis-beliefs and accepted or rejected those with reason was I free in my mind. Only after I confronted all the Witnesses in my life and laid out my rules to them was I free in my heart.
  
  My hardest job was accepting just how bad I had been treated by the Witness people I associated with. I kept making excuses for them and giving them more opportunities. They were very disruptive influences in my family and were successful in segregating two of my sons from the family. I will never forgive them for that and I will never give them access to my family again under any circumstances.
  
  gary
  
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  freedom96

  Time will heal the wounds. Don't beat yourself up mentally; getting involved can happen to the best of us.

  At least it sounds like you have your family with you. Make new (real) friends, and you will be happy!
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  emancipated

  Take some solace in the fact that I am in the same boat with you at the present time.
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  Quotes

  Like many others, I too felt anger and rage and expressed it in the form of incivility.

  However, I now make a concious effort to remember: THESE PEOPLE ARE VICTIMS.

  It is not always easy, and the anger (over the wasted years filled with their lies and logical fallacies) sometimes comes back, but this is what I do. I ask myself "How would I want my mother treated?"

  You see, I love my Mom (of course), and I try to approach every (now very rare) interaction with a JW from the perspective "This could be my Mom. She is a victim. She need help."

  How would I want my Mom to be treated? With respect and civility. With kind words and gentle (but solid) logic.

  And remember, you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. I know, I sound like Mary Poppins. But there is another reason for me to do this: I don't fit the bill of "vile, hate-filled apostate" (the way the brand all us former members) and so by my actions I prove yet another thing the WT is wrong about.
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  jgnat

  You and your family have been treated horribly. Your anger is understandable. Bitterness does not have to be a permanent condition, however. Responding to an injustice is one thing. Becoming a bitter person for the rest of your life is quite another. That could be the last nasty gift the WTS bestows on you. Don't accept it.

  My mom complained bitterly all her life about the treatment she received by the hand of her stepmother. My sister bitterly complains about the "baggage" she carries because of mom. Many years ago, I worked through my grief of what I lost in a mother, and "buried" my old mom. (I had the help of a counsellor, by the way.) Then I got on with the way life is now, and got to know the woman who can't be a normal mom to me. Mom lives in another province, but we have a great pen-pal relationship going. She always has a dirty joke waiting. Here's a sample:

  Why did the Easter bunny hide his eggs? He didn't want anyone to think he was screwing a chicken.

  My sister reacts in ways I consider silly, now. Like changing her haircut when she realized it was the same as mom's, and having her children sign cards, "Dear Grandma, I don't know who you are." Not that I am perfect. I plan on falling apart next when dad passes. He has been my rock. The point is, bitterness and anger are normal processes when grieving a loss. In this case, grieving the loss of trust and faith. Bitterness only gets ugly if you get stuck there.
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  Redman

  Dear Bitter one,

  Being bitter about the situation is a natural result of the betrayal you feel in the situation. I was the same and it took
  some time to get over it. I also took some anger management coarses and some other therapy to help me control the
  emotional backlash. Remember you are not alone in this situation. Don't let these buggers throw you. They like to judge
  and one day may have to answer for some of their stupidity. Being human is not wrong for you, your family or anyone
  else. Support your family as that love to each other is more important than anything the dirtbags lay on you.

  Redman