Right now I am so mad! I am in total road rage mode. The reason is my job. About four weeks ago I started a job as a cab driver. I thought that this job was going to be my lifesaver. Instead it has been a nightmare. You see, when you start as a cab driver, you are put as an extra. In other words, you only have a chance to work if a regular cab driver has the day off or if they called in sick. The first week, you work every single day so the company can see how good you are. After that, you are given a cab based on how many regulars are not coming in and your ranking as a good driver. Well since I had never driven a cab before my ranking was pretty low. Anyway, I was given a cab every other day. I was hoping for more days, but I could live with it. Now, however, it is getting worse. This morning I went to the cab area, as a normally do and for the third straight day I was not given a cab! I am hoping that it will get better during Christmas and New Years Day, but the way my luck is going, I probably wont get a cab those days either. I am going to start searching for another job. Just thinking about going through the classified sections in the newspaper and surfing the net for a job, makes my stomach turn! I went through so much hell to get this job and now I am going to have to leave it. Damn this sucks! I dont know why I should continue on. There is no joy in my life, only misery. I cant make friends. Even when do meet people, I dont know how to act around them. I dont know what to say and do to make that other person like me. Like I have said before, when I am around people I can be completely paranoid over something totally insignificant and on the other hand I can do or say the most offensive thing and no idea that I have done something wrong. Also, even if I get another job, it will suck just as much as this one. I cant think of any reason why I just shouldnt kill myself. Well, there is one. I am afraid of what it will do to my family. If I had no family, I would do it! No question about it.
So what should I do? Well for starters I will have to give up my truck. I just cant make the car and insurance payments anymore. Also when my lease ends, I will have to find a cheap apartment, perhaps in a bad side of town. Maybe I just accept the fact that I have to hit rock bottom. If you hit bottom and can learn to take it, you can handle anything. There is no way that I will move back in with my parents and give up my freedom! No way! If this doesnt workout then I will kill myself.
(OK, I probably won't kill myself, but I am so mad right now that I feel that I will do it.)