Dealing with Aussies

by Mackin 12 Replies latest social humour

• 

  Mackin

  Tips for effective and painless interacting with Aussies:

  1) Don't offer to buy an Australian a drink . He WILL want to be your friend.

  2) Don't talk about sport or you WON'T want to be his friend and you have to fly home in a week anyway.

  3) Don't start a fight in a pub and expect the Aussies to help. Most of them wouldn't have bought their wives and girlfriend to send in to the scrum on their behalf!

  4) If you wish to see them move faster than a wombat with a limp drop a few coins on the floor.

  5) If an Australian looks at you blankly in an attempt to figure out what your saying - stop talking for about 12 minutes. They do catch up eventually.

  6) Don't be alarmed if you see an Australian drunk at 9 in the morning. Hell if you had to live in Australia you'd be drunk at 9 in the morning.

  7) If you see an Australian taking his time at the bar (a pretty rare site as this type of animal has practised it many times) then he has encountered a problem. Offer to count the coins with him until he arrives at the correct amount for the drink.

  8) Don't be rude and ask "so what crime did your father commit to have to come to Australia?" Remember many Australians don't have fathers.

  We hope this information helps. One word of warning - if you see an Australian getting angry, start to sing Waltzing Matilda. He'll join in, forget where he was, finish the song at the top of his voice, fall into a dumpster and sleep there till morning. Works better than pepper spray.
• 

  Dutchie

  Once a jolly swagman sat beside the billabong, Under the shade of a coulibah tree, And he sang as he sat and waited till his billy boiled: Chorus:Who'll come a waltzing matilda with me Waltzing matilda, waltzing matilda Who'll come a waltzing matilda with me And he sang as he sat and waited by the billabong Who'll come a waltzing matilda with me. 2. Down came a jumbuck to drink beside the billabong Up jumped the swagman and seized him with glee And he sang as he tucked the jumbuck in his tuckerbag Chorus:You'll come a waltzing matilda with me Waltzing matilda, waltzing matilda You'll come a waltzing matilda with me And he sang as he tucked the jumbuck in his tuckerbag You'll come a waltzing matilda with me. 3. Down came the stockman, riding on his thoroughbred, Down came the troopers, one, two, three. "Where's that jolly jumbuck you've got in your tuckerbag? Chorus:You'll come a waltzing matilda with me Waltzing matilda, waltzing matilda You'll come a waltzing matilda with me Where's that jolly jumbuck you've got in your tuckerbag? You'll come a waltzing matilda with me. 4. Up jumped the swagman and plunged into the billabong, "You'll never catch me alive," cried he And his ghost may be heard as you ride beside the billabong, Chorus:Who'll come a waltzing matilda with me Waltzing matilda, waltzing matilda Who'll come a waltzing matilda with me And his ghost may be heard as you ride beside the billabong, Who'll come a waltzing matilda with me.
• 

  Satanus

  Do they like rolf harris's my boomerang won't come back? I'ld sing it w 'em, if i could remember the words.

  SS
• 

  Robdar

  SS,

  I think that the Aussies like "Tie Me Kangaroo Down" by Rolf Harris. Don't quote me though.

  Spoken Introduction:
  There's an old Australian stockman, lying, dying.He gets himself up on one elbow, turns to his mates, who are gathered round, and he says:
  Watch me wallaby's feed, mate, watch me wallaby's feed.
  They're a dangerous breed, mate, so watch me wallaby's feed. All together now!
  Tie me kangaroo down, sport, Tie me kangaroo down.
  Tie me kangaroo down, sport, Tie me kangaroo down.

  Keep me cockatoo cool, Curl, Keep me cockatoo cool.

  Don't go acting the fool, Curl, Keep me cockatoo cool.

  All together now! Tie me kangaroo down, sport, Tie me kangaroo down.

  Tie me kangaroo down, sport, Tie me kangaroo down.

  Take me koala back, Jack, Take me koala back.

  He lives somewhere out on the track, Mac, So take me koala back.

  All together now! Tie me kangaroo down, sport, Tie me kangaroo down.

  Tie me kangaroo down, sport, Tie me kangaroo down.

  Mind me platypus duck, Bill, Mind me platypus duck.

  Don't let him go running amuck, Bill, Mind me platypus duck.

  All together now! Tie me kangaroo down, sport, Tie me kangaroo down.

  Tie me kangaroo down, sport, Tie me kangaroo down.

  Play your didgeridoo, Blue, Play your didgeridoo.

  Keep playing 'til I shoot through,Blue, Play your didgeridoo.

  All together now! Tie me kangaroo down, sport, Tie me kangaroo down.

  Tie me kangaroo down, sport, Tie me kangaroo down.

  Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred, Tan me hide when I'm dead.

  So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde, (spoken)And that's it hanging on the shed.

  All together now! Tie me kangaroo down, sport, Tie me kangaroo down.

  Tie me kangaroo down, sport, Tie me kangaroo down.

  Written and copyrighted by Rolf Harris, 1960.

  I love the Australians.

  Robyn

  Edited by - robdar on 12 November 2002 2:27:23
• 

  Matty

  Yes, that's the one Robyn! Rolf Harris is God. He's cooler than the God I previously worshiped, Rolf paints big pictures while saying "Have ya gissed what it eez yit?" and he presents "Animal Hospital", he's also the master of the wobble-board and didgeridoo. I've never known Jah to do any of these things.

  I hate to be pedantic SaintSatan, but Rolf Harris didn't actually sing "my boomerang won't come back", that was Charlie Drake.

  http://lyricsplayground.com/alpha/songs/m/myboomerangwontcomeback.html
• 

  DakotaRed

  MY BOOMERANG WON'T COME BACK
  Charlie Drake
  
  (low chanting)
  In the bad bad lands of Australia many years ago
  The Aborigine tribes were meeting, having a big pow-wow
  (chanting)
  (low voice): We've got a lot of trouble, Chief, on account of your son Mac!
  (midrange voice): My boy Mac, what's wrong with him?
  (high-pitched voice, young prince): My boomerang won't come back!
  (low voices): Your boomerang won't come back
  (prince): My boomerang won't come back
  My boomerang won't come back
  I've waved the thing all over the place
  Practiced till I was black in the face
  I'm a big disgrace t' the Aborigine race
  My boomerang won't back
  I want a kangaroo (yeah yeah)
  Make kangatoo stew (yea yeah)
  But I'm a big disgrace t' the Aborigine race
  My boomerang won't back
  
  They banished him from the tribes' lair & sent him on his way
  He had a hapless boomerang, so here he could not stay
  (shrieks of animals)
  (prince): This is nice, isn't it? Getting banished at my time in life. What a way to
  spend an evening. Sittin' on a rock in the middle of the desert with me boomerang in me
  hand. I should very likely get bushwhacked. (animal shriek) (prince): Get out of here,
  nasty bushwhackin' animal! Think I'll make a nice cup of tea. (boing boing boing)
  (prince): Good gracious! There goes a kangaroo! I must have practice with me boomerang.
  Hey, right behind the left elbow, then slowly back... (kangaroo): If you throw that thing
  at me, I'll jump right on your head! (laughs) (prince): Ain't it marvelous! In a land
  full of kangaroos I might not get that one!
  
  For 3 long months he sat there, or maybe it was 4
  Then an old old man in a kangaroo skin came a-knockin' at his door
  (old man): I'm the local with doctor, son. They call me Joe Joseph Black.
  Now tell me, what's your trouble, boy?
  (prince): My boomerang won't come back!
  (old man): Your boomerang won't come back
  (prince): My boomerang won't come back
  My boomerang won't come back
  I've waved the thing all over the place
  Practiced till I was black in the face
  I'm a big disgrace t' the Aborigine race
  My boomerang won't back
  (old man): Don't worry, boy, I know the trick & to you I'm gonna show it
  If you want your boomerang to come back, well, first you've got to throw it!
  (prince): Oh yes, never thought of that. Daddy will be pleased. Must have a girl...
  (old man): Excuse me. Now then, slowly back...& throw! (sound of boomerang flying)
  
  (old man): Oh my God! Avit the flying doctah! He-he-he-he!
  (prince): Can you do farther eat?
  (old man): Don't talk to me about first taste boy; you owe me 14 chickens for teaching
  you to throw the boomerang; first things first. (prince): Yes, I know that, but I mean, I
  think, on this occasion, you know ...& fade
  
  
  Lew W (of the was once chased down the flight line by the souvenier bommerang he brought back from Sydney class)
• 

  Englishman

  Good ole Rolf.

  Until you've heard his version of Stairway to Heaven you simply have not lived.

  Edited by - Englishman on 12 November 2002 15:41:37
• 

  Satanus

  Matty

  I see. Was rolf's band doing backup? The different voices are well done. That song speaks on a few levels, even though it's a comedy.

  Eman, looking up rolf's stairway to heaven on kazaa.

  SS
• 

  Satanus

  Eman

  I just listened to rolf's stairway. Quite funny.

  BTW, to eman or ausies, do all didges have spiders living in them?

  SS
• 

  cruzanheart

  Oh, my gosh, this brought back memories! When I lived in Nhulunbuy, way back in 1971-73, Rolf Harris came up to our little mining town to do a show and it was quite an event. I was fascinated by his wonderful paintings, using one bucket of black paint, some turpentine, and a huge paintbrush, and I loved his songs. He performed in an open area where a screen had been put up as a backdrop and we all had folding chairs (probably about 1,000 of us). He's terrific!

  Nina