Hi, Nelly. It sounds like you're still in the early stages of separation from what is called "the truth" by those who have not discovered the lies spread by those who claim to represent it.
Reading self-help books and articles really helped me in those early stages. I have been out since 1979, and every year life is better and freer. Dr. Wayne Dyer's book Your Erroneous Zones was the one that got me to thinking outside the box, so to speak. Dr. Dyer offers simple strategies for dealing with guilt, anger, and other negative feelings.
Remember: No one has any power over you unless you give it to them. Check the internet under terms like "self empowerment," "self esteem," and other terms you can think of to start leading you in a more positive direction. Support groups and psychological counseling are also good resources.
Don't suffer alone. We're here for you.