Need help for someone hurting by JW rules.

by BeelzeDub 23 Replies latest jw friends

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  BeelzeDub

  I know I have not properly introduced myself here yet. I have been doing the fade from JW religion for about one year but may soon be D/A myself just before I speek out again the elders about what they are doing to someone close to me. More on my story soon.

  This person has been divoced without scriptual grounds for two years. Her husband was an wicked man who abused her. He was an elder for most of their marriage but stepped down a couple years ago. She found love letters from him to another woman around the house. He was seen holding hands with another woman in a resteraunt. He was caught at a strip bar several times late at night. He admitted to her that he was unfaithfull and then took it back. There is much much more that went on but will leave out for now. The elders would not confront him because they told her she did not have absolute proof and because he took his confession back. She divorced him anyway based on his confession in front of two witnesses, her concience was clean before god. The elders say no, she is not free.

  After two years she met someone and she has ended the marriage by JW law. However the elders are telling her that she is required to ask her husband for forgiveness for her sin and ask him if he wan't to make the marriage work. She does not want to do this because of the many things he did while married and she has good reason. The elders have already decided that she would not get DF for the sin, however unless she confesses to her husband they are telling her she is not free to remarry. She is confused as to what she wants to do. On one had she is sick of the whole thing and would really like to D/A herself but she has children/grandchildren she could loose.

  Does anyone know of any JW rule that requires one to ask forgiveness before they can be concidered free to remarry?

  I plan to email this link to her so any thoughts or encourangement would be greatly apreciated.

  Thanks, BD

  Edited by - beelzeDub on 30 October 2002 11:52:22
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  Sentinel

  Oh, my god, this is totally barbaric. It's just like when they told me that I didn't have JW grounds to divorce my cheating worldly husband, because I "didn't actually see him in the sex act". And, I let them do that to me. I stayed in the marriage for fourteen miserable years!!! Then, I just decided I'd pay the price and leave the JW's first. Then, I left my husband after that. I gave our marriage a good try after I was out of the JW influence, but hubby still wanted to "play".

  I think she should just live her life and not worry about the opinions of "elders". It is truly only the creator who knows and understands us. It appears they are simply trying to debase her as a woman, and to show the power and control they have over people's most initmate situations.

  Her husband was a JW $ss#ole, and he ruined their life together. I cannot fathom why she would have to ask "his permission" to move on with her life. It makes no sense!!! He didn't ask her permission to go do his thing.

  But, it is her decision. She will ultimately have to decide. Personally, I don't believe all Elders in all congregations do things the same. If she can switch gears, and go to another congregation, then perhaps she would be able to cope better. Obviously, if she left JW's, she would be free from all of this, but that is not so easy for lots of people. She is trying to be a good christian woman.

  What a tough situation to be in. I wish her success in overcoming this obstacle. You are a true and loving friend. She is fortunate to have you in her life.
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  RedhorseWoman

  I am not aware of any such "rule" per se, but, as we know, elders are little demi-gods unto themselves, and they can make up the rules as they go along.

  She needs to think this situation through carefully. Are her children totally tied to the WT organization, or are they well aware of the situation and supportive of her? Would she feel totally debased by the situation if she were to comply, or does she feel that she could go through the motions in order to keep ties with those who are important to her while letting the "groveling" slide off her with little effect?

  She needs to do what is right for HER, according to her own circumstances.
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  DJ

  She divorced him anyway based on his confession in front of two witnesses, her concience was clean before god. The elders say no, she is not free

  What a mess. I thought that all the jw's needed were 2 witnesses and it looks to me like they have their requirement. I don't understand what she needs to apologize for?? I just hope that she can move on with her life and base her decision on her own conscience and not the elders.
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  kelsey007

  According to JW law a person who feels uncomforatable can write a letter to the accused. IMHO she could write her ex a letter outlining the occurance of events that lead up to this- his conduct. SHe should do so in a very factual matter (non-emotianal as possible) Lay out his abusive behaviour giving in the letter as much times and dates as possible. She should also solicate written statements from the two witnesses that heard her ex admit to his affair and if possible have them have the statements notatized. Include this as part of her letter. Address the letter to her ex but provide copies to her local body of elders and the society. In so doing they may very well leave the whole issue alone as they hate such doccumetntation and fear legal consequences are being considered. She should probably have some one such as yourself assist her in scripting the letter. It is important to just outline her case to him without sounding angry.

  To act in this way now she will allow herself time to deal with how she wants to handle her status with the org in a way that may be more satisfactory to herself and her children. Being inacvtive instead of df'd or da'd allows her jw family to at least communicate with her.

  Edited by - kelsey007 on 30 October 2002 12:35:16
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  Lin

  This subject hits close to home for me too. I was married for 15 years to an abusive jw before I decided to divorce him, even without the jw "grounds" rule/law. When the elders told me I didn't have grounds to divorce my husband, I told them to get the *&%@# out of my house and that they didn't experience what I went through and I'd be damned if they were going to tell me one single thing about having to have concrete proof and for my husband to admit to anything he did wrong. I told the elders the subject and reasons for my divorce is between me and God, and that He was the only opinion I cared about, and that it wasn't any of their business and to butt out.

  Please tell your friend that there are many of us who've been through what she's been through, she is not alone. No one can tell her what to do or what not to do in her situation, she has to decide for herself what is best for her, and it's between her and God. Other than that, just give her a hug from those of us who can relate.
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  out4good3

  The elders have already decided that she would not get DF for the sin, however unless she confesses to her husband they are telling her she is not free to remarry.

  This is ludicrious....

  Why anyone would willing relinquish control over their life and submit to nonsense like this year after year is beyond me. It is obvious that these elders get their high over the minute control and perceived authority they exercise over people's lives.

  This lady should exercise the option of selfishness and do what's in HER best interest and the interests of her new relationship and let the chips fall where they may. If she has relatives still in, how can they justify that she grovel around this elder in effect asking for his permission on whether or not she has the right to be happy.
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  out4good3

  Kelsey

  While that may be a good idea, I disagree with the non-verbal message sent by such a letter. The non-verbal message being that by writing this letter, she is still playing by their rules and as such, still considers herself in submission to their authority.
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  kelsey007

  outforgood- somtimes you have to evalutate the circumstances and how they ultimately affect yourself and your loved ones. Pride could destroy what she really wants to accomplish. Acting otherwise may- as many here realize all to well- serve to isolate her from her children. If her intent is to salvage such relationships and get married she is actually just covering herself with the org by using thier rules against them- protecting herself.
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  Iwasyoungonce

  I'm sorry for thr heartache of your friend. And also for all the others who have suffered under the heavy hands of cowards. I have faith that one day we will stand together and then the power that these fools think they have...Their control will be broken!

  To your question: "To your own heart thee must be true."

  For me I held tight to the principle that there is no Biblical right for divorce. That divorce was due to cold hearts. I now see that I was wrong.

  A wise soul helped to to see a different better way of living.

  Matt:19 8-9& 10& 11-12

  Q-If this is how it is (divorce only for unfaithfulness) between a man and his wife, it is better not to marry. (In otherwords "SCREW THAT!) I don't need the cheese in that trap that bad! (Run girls Ruuunnn!)

  But Jesus then said (Chill out dudes) "This teaching does not apply to everyone, but only those whom God has given it. For there are different reason why some men can not marry (There are different reasons that some men are TOTAL assholes that are impossible to live with) some because they were born that way (born pricks); others because they men made them that way (follow traditions like those of the jw dogma) Others do not marry for the sake of the Kingdom of heaven (too caught up in the desire to be god, to blind to see the heaven right in front of them) Let him who can accept this teaching do so."

  That last part (him who can) to me means that there are some people who marry that are not in the spirit of marriage. Get out!

  But that is not jw dogma so it will not help. And the comments in parathises are my opinions. Jw's follow thier own traditions so don't think that you can just read the Bible or use common sense for guidence. If you are a JW then the Elder of your Kingdom hall is your Lord and you will give him the proper worship or risk disfellowshipping and the extinguishing of your eternal life.

  Now this will help and is a true story in a KH in Washington. I have a friend and this friend has a sister in law that is a babletized jw. She and her idiot husband (he was and all agree) knew that they made a mistake 2 weeks after they got married. But there are no take backs in the jw dogma on marriage. And neither wanted to risk missing the everlasting bus that is just around the corner. So they both spent 4 years in "Life In Hell." Finally she left. But now, what to do? Can't divorce. So the guy had a brain fart. He talked to her best friend and explained that he needed to have sex to obtain a godly approved divorce. (I shit you not) It was called a divorce approved by Jehovah. They went to the Elders and said what they did. They repented and meant it. The sister in law said she has no grudge and will just obtain a divorce on scriptual grounds. A public reprove did take place but in light of the upcomming end of the system and the repenting of the people...Case Closed. And all parties can out with what they wanted. So if you have a friend that will be willing to help obtain a "Divorce that is approved by scripture and jehovah then there you go.) The kh was in Ellensberg? (sp).