Shunning your own teenage daughter?

by janiemh 27 Replies latest jw friends

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  janiemh

  Something just occurred to me that I have never thought of before. I would like to know what you all think.

  My husband and I are separated currently. Among other things, his anger management problems and rages and my control and emotional neglect and withdrawl issues were key factors. Plus, 2 years ago, we both started to study with JW's, I quit after about one year because I cannot believe what they do. Husband stayed in. It was a big source of conflict for us. With all this going on, we separated in June this year.

  Anyway, we have 2 children, daughter 15, son 10. This past January, my daugher told us that she had sex with a boy. It was not a good experience for her. She felt coerced, used etc. She cried the whole next day. Needless to say, she became upset with herself and depressed over it.

  My husband is naturally disappointed in her. But what he chooses to do is not speak to her. Avoid her. Withhold love and affection. and this continues for about 5 months. Can you believe that? Twice that I heard, she'd say "Love You" to him and he did not respond at all. Up to that time, they had a pretty close relationship. This obviously devastated her. By May, she is seriously depressed and talking suicide. I got her in therepy, on medication, and we moved out. At that time, he tried to start talking to her again, but she is now very distant with him. It's like the bond has been bruised deeply. Since 6/02, she has been to his house only twice, for about 30 min. (PS-I do not blame her breakdown on him, she has been diagnosed with clinical depression, but I wonder if a major experience like this triggered something???)

  Do you think there is a possiblity that he was advised by the JW's to shun her?? since she practiced immoral activity? the thought never occurred to me until now. It just could be, though. Would they advise something like that?
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  hamptonite21

  first I just want to say that I am sorry to hear about your daughter depression, I hope she gets well soon. As far as the JW telling him to shun her, I dont know about that. But regardless your soon to be ex husband sounds like he has issues and I would monitor your daughter association with him. I hope that you told him off. Hes a jerk for doing that to your daughter. good luck!
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  Mimilly

  janiemh - I don't think the JWs had anything to do with his response. If anything, from what you've said, he is projecting his inability to deal with what's happened to your daughter - onto your daughter. He could also be worried about his own 'honor'.

  If she isn't studying or baptized, which I'm assuming here, because you never mentioned elders, they would have no basis to suggest that he do this.

  I'm glad you and her got out and that she is getting help. Yes, he's bruised her heart, and if he cares, he'll work for as long as necessary to earn her trust again. Since they had a close relationship before, his silent treatment has only reaffirmed to her what she is feeling - dirty, bad, etc. He needs to apologize and perhaps join into the therapy at some point if she feels ok doing that.

  She's lucky to have you for a mom. Oh, and keep her away from the JWs at all cost.

  hugs, Mimilly
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  sunshineToo

  Hi, jeniemh! I'm sorry about your daughter.

  I don't think it is the jws who are telling him to shun her. I think it's mostly your husband who, out of disappointment, had decided not to talk to her. The jws openly shun only those who were jws. For those who were not, it's all up to them - a conscience matter. But I have heard they also discourage frequent communication with non-jw family members.

  I am a so called DA'd one - disassociated. My mother is a very active jw, and she got angry at me when I told her that I loved her. Now I am afraid to say that to her because I don't know how she is going to react. We talk about other things now. But last month she told me that she is going to shun me. It really devastated me because I loved my mom.

  Is your husband a baptized jw? Did he know that your daughter felt sorry for what she did? In jw's point of view, your daughter seemed to "repented" for what she had done, then normal jws should forgive her and accept her. They even accepted pedophiles for god's sake! (rolling my eyes) I think your husband got hurt deeply by her action. I know that it is very difficult for you, but please try to play as a mediator between your husband and your daughter instead of lashing out on your husband or on his religious stand because it can back fire at you and your family in a negative way.

  If you need to email me, please feel free to do so. But meanwhile, good luck.

  sunshineToo

  Edited by - sunshineToo on 18 September 2002 12:7:2
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  janiemh

  My husband is not a baptized JW. And my daughter, of course, attended the meetings when I was going, but since I quit, she doesn't go anymore either. It seems like a crazy thought, now that I think about it. I have to agree that it is probably more of a problem within himself. It's just that he does at-home study with one elder weekly still. and I know they have actually become very close. They've gone golfing, etc. I sometimes wonder how in the world my husband can be so heartless and cruel and it's easier to take thinking maybe he was influenced somewhere.
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  Yerusalyim

  Janiemh,

  Sorry for all the troubles you're going through. GLAD you took the talk of suicide seriously and got her help. Personally, I would confront the BASTAR* about his behavior.
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  outoftheorg

  Hi Janiemh.

  They may or may not have told him that. But they do teach shunning as a way of chastising someone. So He may have come to the conclusion to shun his daughter because of that.

  The jw religion is a bad place for someone with anger control problems. The mental confusion caused by a cult adds to the problem. Also their teaching of chastising children "with the rod" is dangerous for one with out control of his anger.

  Any stressful event can be the last straw in a sequence of events leading to depression. I notice you use the term "immoral activity" in describing your childs mistake. I would avoid stigmatizing your child with words like that. Immoral describes corrupt-depraved-licentious conduct. Your child made a mistake. It is the rare person that has not made the same mistake your child did. I would advise that you not add to the guilt and shame she seems to have. What she needs now with all that is going on is assurance that she is loved, cared for, and important to her family.

  I can see that this is a difficult time for all of you.

  You have my best wishes for a healthy healing outcome .

  Outoftheorg
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  SYN

  That the Dubs told him to shun his own daughter is something that wouldn't surprise me in the least.

  Hope you guys can work things out.
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  Elsewhere

  Matthew 7:15-20
  15 "Be on the watch for the false prophets that come to YOU in sheep's covering, but inside they are ravenous wolves. 16 By their fruits YOU will recognize them. Never do people gather grapes from thorns or figs from thistles, do they? 17 Likewise every good tree produces fine fruit, but every rotten tree produces worthless fruit; 18 a good tree cannot bear worthless fruit, neither can a rotten tree produce fine fruit. 19 Every tree not producing fine fruit gets cut down and thrown into the fire. 20 Really, then, by their fruits YOU will recognize those [men].
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  janiemh

  outoftheorg-oh, I agree. I never have, nor would I use that term when talking to her. And maybe my husband did come to that conclusion on his own. I repeatedly asked him to talk to her. He thought this was the best way to handle it. He also quit giving her money or paying for her gas and insurance for her car (she drove to school on a school permit) Between January and May, her grades dropped (4.0 to 2.5), she quit most activities and agonized about going to the ones she couldn't get out of, started drinking and smoking pot, etc. It was horrible! this whole time, he's refusing to even discipline her. He's leaving it all up to me and then criticizing me when I let her go out too much, or stay out too late. It was so hard for me, too! Her and I still struggle with these things going on in her life.

  My husband is deep down a good person. Part of his problem is that he grew up with an abusive mother. Physically, emotionally, verbally, you name it. Recently, he has expressed his regret for the things he has done and admitted he was wrong. I don't know if we will ever reconcile, (certainly not without serious counseling) but we are talking. Who knows.