In 1989 I was in my freshman year of high school. I became interested in the girl who was a JW. Basically you can tell what happen from here. She began to talk to me about her faith and at the encouragement of a neighbor (also a JW), I began to study to learn more about what she believed. By my sophomore yr of high school I believed I had found the truth. By then she was no longer an interest. I was taught that this was Satans world and that soon those who practiced Jw religion would be saved at Armageddon then Jehovah would make it a paradise. In 1993 I was baptized. I had different goals then what my parents had set out for me. I was going to enter the full time ministry and work partime secularly to support my self. This obviously upset my parents, they expected me to go to college or leave the house. They were Catholic and if I wasnt going to practice that then I needed to leave. Immediately in the Congregation I was offered several places to live. I ended up with a family of a very close friend. My congregation looked to me as an example and was put on a pedestal for everyone. Here is this 17yr old whose family kicks him out for becoming a JW and he stands up for what he believes and becomes a pioneer. With in no time I had several bible studies and most were attending meetings.
During this time I became so fanatical, My Bs was getting baptized and some had followed in my footsteps and pioneered. I was on assembly parts and programs. My head would only get bigger after being appointed a Ministerial servant at 19. I used every opportunity to witness to my family. I would pray constantly to get help from J to preach to them. Doing everything to be an example to them. By 1997 the unthinkable happen, My Aunt started studying and my mom had become a return visit of a pioneer sister in the cong. "J had finally answered my prayers." My aunt would eventually get baptized and so did my cousins.
Internally thou I was not happy. My worldly friends were graduating college and here I was working at a part time job with a beat up car. I felt like a loser. I wasnt going anywhere. A wt article had came out about college, I quess you could have called it a new light. This was my opportunity! The elders in the cong told me that I should put Jah first and material needs would follow. I was determined to go to college. I reasoned that I had nothing to offer a Christian women and I wanted to prepare my self to find a suitable mate "to be honest the only way I was going to get laid was if I got married." I decided to start taking classes at college as the WT recommended. To support myself better to serve Jah"
College opened up a whole new life and way of thinking. The attention that I was receiving from girls was overwhelming. Suddenly I was no longer interested in pioneering and meetings. In 1998 my mom was diagnosed with Cancer. As she became sicker I stepped down as a MS and stopped pioneering. I was feeling guilty, was this because I had stopped pioneering; maybe I wasnt being blessed because I had started to develop friends outside the religion. The elder who made the announcement that I was no longer a MS or pioneer did so in such a tone that the cong thought I had done something wrong. "I had no time to prepare all this parts with taking care of mom, college and work" I would explain. I was labeled and unspiritual in the cong. People started spreading rumors about me. Telling others I was bad association. I felt like my world was crumpling. Here was my dying Mother telling to continue to serve Jehovah---- (she never got baptized) and at this point that was the last thing I wanted to due. As my meeting attendance declined my association with my new friends filled my time.
My new friends introduced me to the NY club scene. I began dating this girl who introduced me to drugs and sex. I was feeling tremendous guilt and confusion. Did I really like my new life, was I cut out to be in the world. I decided to rest my conscious and went to an elder. This brother was always like a father to me, the elders counseled me, I accepted, and was privately reproved. I decided I needed to drop out of college and focus on serving Jehovah where I thought I was happiest. But the meeting were a chore. I had already had a taste of the "other side" I felt like I couldnt do this anymore. Word got around that I had gotten in trouble; no one was associating with me an I was marked in the cong. I needed association. "Didnt they know that my Mom was dying?" My rebound to spiritual recovery was short lived, as I found my self questioning things in the organization. I realized you loyalty was only as good as your title and field service hours. How fake were these people. By nov 1999 I was inactive. The elders visited my at my apartment, they accused me on having relations and that a brother had seen a girl leaving my house in the morning. I wouldnt offer them the satisfaction of the truth. I wanted to stay in the org because I knew that is what my mom wanted for me If I was df'd that would kill her. She finished studying by this time, Unable to make progression due to the cancer treatments. But basically accepted this as her religion. The elders questioned my employment as a bouncer in a nightclub. They stated that this conduct was unbecoming of a Christian, and since I had errored in this environment before, I was unrepentant to the counsel I received before. I was disfellowshipped.
Mom died in June of 2000. The funeral home was filled with witnesses. Why were they here? this was my time with her! I remember her telling me that I should continue to serve Jehovah. This really hurts! It has taken me a long time to deprogram my self. I still bout with feelings of quilt. The boards and websites have really helped me to affirm that staying out of the WTBS is the best way of living. I only wish she was here today so that I could witness to her the real truth. I have decided to turn my anger and embarrassment at being such and idiot and simpleton in accepting the Jw dogma, and rather turn it to a positive energy and save those from the WT that I love. I want to be effective- but I dont want to close doors.
My aunt has been pretty great about talking to me especially since my Mom died. What advice can you give to help me SAVE her and my cousins? TEACH THE TRUTH- THE REAL TRUTH