How Important is the Past?

by hurt 14 Replies latest social relationships

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  hurt

  I am quite sad and confused...

  How important is it to be truthful and completely truthful about ones past in a relationship? Is it unusual for one to be severely hurt after discovering that a mate has not said everything about a past relationship even thouhg they calim to have? How does this affect trust, and commitment? What is the best way to handle such a situation, especially if ones partner is very sensitive to anything resembling criticism, or accusation?

  I can do with some advice. If you can, please help.
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  ugg

  welcome,,,it is nice to meet you.....my advice,,,be open,,be honest,,,be truthful,,,about every thing
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  Vivamus

  ((((((Hurt))))))

  Without the specifics of your problem, I have little to offer. We talked briefly in chat, do feel free to email me.

  Viv.
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  Mimilly

  (((((((Hurt))))))))

  I was in chat also. For a mate to be sensitive to 'anything resembling critisism', there is obviously serious problems with communication. I know. My husband and I are like this. He cannot take anything negative - not even when I'm in a crises. Instead he will start a fight out of defense.

  Feel free to email me as well.

  Mimilly
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  Dismembered

  Welcome Hurt
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  hurt

  Thanks everyone.

  Mimily, Vivanus; I think you have mail.
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  Sentinel

  Thanks for this thread. I believe the past is important, especially in the time period we live in.

  I believe in being honest about everything. Subjects come up, and there are opportunities to be open about your experiences.

  Your past, including your sexuality, may have a profound affect on your own health, especially with the deseases that are now in society. Like Aids, which ends in death. If you are entering a serious relationship, you must lay all the cards on the table.

  However, I don't believe it is necessary to "go into explicite detail" about past relationships. Men and women tend to "compare", and it just doesn't make sense. We are all growing and learning. We may have made some big mistakes, but we have learned from them. It's not really fair to compare a present love to an old lost love, or even habits or lifestyles. That is the past.

  If we have been married before, have children elsewhere, or there are health issues, we have to let our companion know. Then, they can decide whether to take the relationship to the next step. Dishonesty and covering up to protect yourself only leads to horrible consequences on down the line.

  That's my opinion. Be truthful and you won't have to worry about keeping track of those "pesky" little white lies, etc.

  Sentinel/Karen
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  TruckerGB

  Couldnt agree more Sentinal,

  Take care.
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  Englishman

  I feel much happier being totally honest with someone. Leastways you know then that your partner loves the real you.

  Englishman.
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  Kingpawn

  Hurt,

  How important is it to be truthful and completely truthful about ones past in a relationship?

  To a degree I can agree with Sentinel if there are issues such as she mentioned involved (children, AIDS, etc). BUT...for what I guess I'd call "non-essential" or "non-critical" items like your past boy/girlfriends...I say no.

  First, anyone who wants to know about every detail of your past romances has problems with insecurity, especially if they want you to "trash" them in his/her presence. Telling them makes you feel bad (one, feeling residual loyalty toward them, two, if it's used to make you feel bad because of your choices back then) and doesn't help this other person either.

  Second, picture two people who feel adamantly that there should be total honesty, no secrets, etc., between any two people. So they're talking one night and one of them says, "You know, I could never stay with a person who had (insert worst past activity you can think of here)..." and guess what?

  So right away you're torn between your just-expressed feelings about total honesty and your desire to make this relationship work--may feel this is the one for you--so what do you do?

  So I don't feel total honesty is workable in these situations. But I also feel that, as Spock once said, "To withhold the truth is not to lie." IOW, if you don't ask about any past criminal history of mine and I don't volunteer the info, then I haven't lied. If you ask and my answers get more and more dancing-between-the-raindrops in trying to answer, even if you don't get the answer you dread, it's safe to assume that where there's smoke there's fire...unless I can give you a very good explanation for my evasions, one you're willing to accept. One might be a signed confidentiality agreement, especially if I held a security clearance, but otherwise....

  Hope this helps you some.