Should the boyfriend sleep over??

by Beck_Melbourne 57 Replies latest social family

Beck_Melbourne

Some food for thought there bigfloppydog, thanks for your suggestions. I have to agree, that the precedent I set for the eldest will be expected regarding the younger two kids. As a mother who believes in equality, I have anticipated this.
I like your comments about the change over of boyfriends/girlfriends. My daughter, though only 17, has had a steady stream of boyfriends since she was 15. As far as I know, she has not been sexually active with any of them (I laugh at my naive self, but this is what she tells me). So I am comfortable with my decision where I will restrict her stay overs to the steady boyfriend only, none of this one night stand carry on...I couldn't handle that.
I have also decided that the steady boyfriend will continue to sleep in the spare room. I am prepared to turn a blind eye to their nocturnals for now...but once she is 18, I will then allow him to share her bedroom. I say this because he may not be her boyfriend in 2 - 3 - 6 months time...and if this is the case, I don't want to promote promiscuity in my home with an ongoing steam of boyfriends from one weekend to the next...blow that idea.
I actually think my daughter is damn lucky...she is able to bring her boyfriend home, he is made welcome, and after being together for a few months he is now part of the family. He spent a night (school night at that) and is welcome to do so again for as long as he chooses and for as long as he abides by our house rules. They sleep in separate rooms and beds, but they have plenty of cuddle time (doors always left open). And for my daughter's protection she has my permission to go on the pill, but she has been made aware that discretion is important (ie. the other children in the house). Once she is 18, and if she is still in the same steady relationship, her boyfriend can stay over in her room. I think I am being more then fair, and the same deal will go for the other kids, when their day comes. If anyone has any reason to think this is NOT a good approach, please tell me, and why. I appreciate everyone's comments and suggestions...and I don't think that I have made the BEST decision, I only feel that I have made the one that I am most comfortable with. Any alternatives are welcome.
only a certain TYPE of girl meets a boy behind the bike sheds
Refiners: *slap* LOL
Edited by - Beck_Melbourne on 3 September 2002 20:55:26
AuntieJane

I've raised 3 kids, all single adults now from 20 yoa to 29. Very nice looking, popular, but none of them would think of having their bf or gf stay at the house...unless they lived out of town and it was inconvenient....when they were teenagers, that is. It wasn't discussed; we are pretty liberal...I knew they drank some and we encouraged designated drivers and calling home; we talked about sex and they knew our opinions (negative) on teenage sex. My daughter did go on the pill at 19 almost 20.
Just this year, my son (29) and his g.f. (22) stay together in my house when they come to visit. They don't live together. None of my kids has lived w. bf or gf. They all like their independance too much, plus my son advised his sister (20) against living w. her bf when the subject was brought up. He did this on his own and I was pleased to hear about it (she told me!)
Since you asked for opinions, this is mine. We as parents need to know when to set guidelines and I applaud you for trying to do what is best for your situation. I just don't believe teenagers need to sleep together in their parents' homes...why encourage the possibility of pregnancy (the pill is NOT foolproof). I also don't think kids need to have other kids sleep over, even though it may be the 'thing' to do. We give our kids too much and we give in to them too much. My 2 cents.
Dutchie

Beck,
Honestly, your daughter is so beautiful. Breathtakingly so.
I bet you are one proud mom.
I'm sorry I don't have any sage advice about boyfriends sleeping over. Each child is different and you have to treat them and sexuality differently.
It's just that you can influence your kids by fear of you or love of you. I choose love and an open line of communication. I stress abstinence with my children until marriage but of course, being no dummy, I know that in today's society the likelihood of sex before marriage is probable.
I can only say that I would rather they were doing "IT" safely under my roof that in someone else's home or the back of a car. But all in all its a hard call.
Xandria

I am sure you have spoking to you teenage daughter. I am sure that if you tell her the rules to allowing this sleep over she will respect that, and if you have done the following I am sure she will respect this. 1) You are trusting her to follow your household rules. 2) This is a trust thing. You have educated her, instilled morals and values. 3) Now it comes down to this question do you trust your daughter to do the right choices ?
I am if you spoke to your daughter about what you expect during this sleep over, I am sure she can handle that. That you have influenceable children to think about and you do understand that she has feelings for her b/f that if she can keep it to kissing zone. She understand that her younger siblings look up to her. Beside how UNCOMFORTABLE would it be for them to be in their parents home and sexual ? I don't think this would be how she would imagine herself having sex. Where is the romance in a quick, stressed out coupling. I mean your parents can walk in at any moment. Give your daughter more trust and credit than that.
Xandria

THE BIG INFLUENCE OF PARENTS
Parental attitudes and the attitudes of adults (coach, teacher, etc.) are significant to the preteen, tween, or teen are positive predictors of the childs comfortable attitudes about premarital sex. The adults attitudes about adolescent sexual intercourse and father-child communication have been shown to be extremely important factors. Adult discussion of sexual values is a significant predictor of teen sexual attitudes and behaviors.
Whether you discuss sexuality directly or not with your child, your values, unspoken attitudes, gawking and talking all have impact. For example, your self-esteem and your emphasis on the self-esteem of the child is positively related to deliberate delayed onset of sexual experimentation and to satisfaction with their decision when they do deliberately choose to become sexually active. On the other hand sexual behavior that contradicted personal values and the values of significant adults is associated with lower self-esteem and emotional distress. We adults do play a significant role in kids sexual attitude development and future behavior.
Recently YM magazine discovered tween and teen reasons for waiting to have sex. After the old standbys of fear of pregnancy and of catching a dread disease, the kids mentioned anxiety about their reputation with peers and adults and a desire to avoid trouble with parents. Kids are concerned about what parents and significant adults think and dont generally want to deliberately displease them.
One of the most comprehensive studies of teens found that the more parents and other adults talk to kids about sex and its consequences, the less likely they are to engage in it prematurely and casually.
Study after study has shown that it is ignorance, not knowledge, about sex that creates problems. Kids crave information about relationships, becoming sexually active, and avoiding pregnancy and STDs. The basic birds and bees is not enough.
A recent survey by Roper Starch for SIECUS shows that more than half the teens who are sexually active wish they had waited longer to start. At the same time, it is proven that kids whose parents and significant adults talk to them about sex are less likely to have sex early.
LB

Not on my shift. For me it's simple. Like everything. I'd just say I'm not comfortable with that in my home. And I wouldn't be.
It's good to have a relationship with your daughter where she can be open enought o discuss birth control. But that 11 year old of yours is going to want sleep overs way before 17. She's too darn cute and I'm sure the boys are already sniffing around your doorstep.
Its ok to say no. With a smile of course.
neyank

Should the boyfriend sleep over??
Simple answer to a simple question.
HELL NO!!!!!!!!!!!!
neyank
LDH

Beck,
I'm wondering (I can't remember from reading the thread)--do you know this boy's parents and what THEIR thoughts are on the subject?
How would you feel if they "outlawed" such behaviour in their home and yours was the only place they could hang? Would you feel your daughter was being
I really couldn't say how I feel otherwise about your daughter because I tell my 12 year old when she asks about privileges....."Well that depends more on YOU than it does on me."
She is starting to ask about things like "having boyfriends" etc and I tell her simply....I will respect your independence if you show me you are responsible when it comes to making choices. Break my trust and your life will be a living hell.
As far as birth control and STD's I agree with Scully 100% with one exception...teenagers can be absent minded little boogers. consider Depo-Provera or that patch that they put on once a week. Hell, I'm 33 and I can't remember to take my pill half the time.
Also, I would recommend she get a full exam and HE DO THE SAME...she should feel comfortable asking him for a "clean bill of health". OR IMHO, she cannot handle sex yet. He may "look like a nice boy" but not everybody with a STD is walking around hacking up blood and scratching their crotch.
I guess I didn't help much,did I?
Love ya Beck,
Lisa
eyegirl

my sister and i were talking the other day about things we feel like we missed out on as teenagers. sex was definitely not one of the things we thought we missed out on. it was more just dating, prom, school activities--things like that. i can't even imagine having sex, let alone in my parent's house, as a teenager. at that point in your life, you have so much going for you. the rest of your life is a blank page, the consequences that sex may possibly bring--i don't think you can fully realize as a teenager. i guess i can't offer any real suggestions because i'm not a parent, but i was a teenager not that long ago. looking back, i'm glad i waited into my 20's for sex. i was much more prepared for the 'what ifs'. must be a complicated situation........looking back, i think the kids in our family would have been too busy to get that serious with someone--we all had part-time jobs (usually worked 30 hrs/wk), high school full time and kept up on homework and good grades. if you think about it--there are plenty of other things to keep you 'occupied'. just my two cents....
concerned mama

I lean towards eyegirl's view. From what I have read, more teenage girls regret not having waited, than having missed out on sex.
This is a fairly good sex ed site for teens (and others) from Rutgers University
http://www.sxetc.org/default.asp
(sorry, I don't remember how to embed it)
BeautifulGarbage

Here in the US the pressure to be sexually active is enormous. It was even when I was a teenager (and that was YEARS AGO!) I know that I have already begun to talk to my daughter about it. She knows several kids at school who have older unmarried teenage sisters with babies. I ask her if she wants to be one of them. Her answer is absolutely not. Her dream is to graduate from college with her Masters in elementary education. A baby would definitely put a cramp on that. TV, movies, videos, show the "sexy" side of sex without addressing some of the negative consequences that sexual behavior.
This is what my Mom used to tell me, "It only takes once". By that she meant that it only took one time to become pregnant. It worked real good on me.
I think Lisa brought up a good point. What does HIS parents think about this? Why don't ALL of you get together and talk openly about what is going on? I probably would not have a boy sleep over at my house unless it was absolutely necessary.
And yes, teenagers are very impulsive. Even when they receive condoms for free, most teenagers just don't use them.
Eyegirl,
I love your post! I was the "last" of all of my friends. Funny thing, now they wished they had waited like I had. Most of them were 14 and 15 when they became active. As adults they realize how unequipped they were to handle such a responsibility. You made some excellent points that came from your own experience. Thank you.
Andee

Should the boyfriend sleep over??

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