To DA or not to DA...

by jws 13 Replies latest jw experiences

  • jws

    Just read the posts about dissassociating. Wondering what the advantages/disadvantages are.

    I myself had my meeting attendance drop about 1989. During this time, I found the truth about JWs through books like those of Raymond Franz and never went back. Aside from my father trying to coax me back in, no other JW (elder or otherwise) has ever brought up the subject or hunted me down to make a decision. Though I have heard of this happening in the case of a friend who dissappeared and ended up living with his girlfriend. So until you commit a DF offense, maybe they don't track you down.

    To me, the advantage of not doing anything is that I get to see my family members that are still in it and not have them reject me. As for making it official to the congregations I associated with, I could care less about clarifying things officially. Let 'em keep guessing. If I were to make it official, I can pretty much guarantee there will be a change in attitude towards me, both from my family and from old friends I know. I know it's ridiculous. I'm the same person either way (opposed, never going back), but it's that official statement of position that will drive them away from me.

    The advantage of disassociation is what? I don't feel like I'm part of them. I mostly feel free to do as I please without worrying about their judgement (of course living in another state where they don't know me helps). The only exception being when I'm around JW relatives or JWs (not that often). I don't talk about birthday parties or Christmas, etc.

    Dissassocating myself seems like being required to fill out a service record card. It's more official paperwork for the JWs. I'm pretty sure God can read my heart and doesn't need to go into the Watchtower Society's records to see where I stand (or don't stand) with them.

    Don't know what the current treatment of DA people are. Is it still like a DF person? When I was a JW, I always thought of them as worse. They didn't just do something bad out of weakness, they rejected the entire religion and are gone for good. I'm thinking people will view me worse. Now I'm just irregular (VERY irregular), but they have no reason to reject me.

    So what's the point? Why would anyone DA themselves and lose at least the polite hellos from old friends and family?


  • LB

    So what's the point? Why would anyone DA themselves and lose at least the polite hellos from old friends and family?

    Well I have a little plan of my own in this area. We have a JW son and his wife is fairly anal about associating with DFed or DAed people. So what our plan is follows. I'll DA myself this winter. That will allow me to fully decorate the house with lights and a Christmas tree. What can my poor inactive JW wife do about that? Why nothing.... She will be forced to celebrate the holiday because of her pagan sinner husband yet the JW daughter in law won't be able to convince my son that he can't visit his mommy or prevent him from bringing our grandson over. She's just a victim of my actions.

    But many people have the need to have closure and DAing will give themselves that.

    Oh and those polite hellos from JW's? I seldom get those anyway. Usually they will look the other way and pretend they didn't see me. So screw their hellos.

  • ISP

    I think you will find that most will consider you 'DA'd' even though you are not. It seems unnecessary to DA after the lapse of time.


  • MegaDude


    You hit the nail on the head. It all comes down to basically what does DA'ing mean to *you.*

    Some people do it because it's a personal statement about their freedom, and to put JWs that know them on notice that they refuse to be a slave of a unchristian cult.

    Others avoid DAing because they want to keep contact with their JW family and friends. Since you have JW family you wish to keep socializing with, I would think NOT DAing would be the obvious right choice. Because obviously that's more important to you than making a personal statement to the JWs that know you that you officially don't wish to be a part of them anymore.

  • LittleToe

    I DA'ed publically, because I knew that my actions were going to cause me to be DA'ed by them, and I wanted to say fairwell and express my love (even if they subsequently wouldn't believe it).

  • Sentinel

    Like you, I became very irregular. I didn't show up for my MS assignments in the last six months and didn't go in service or to any assemblies. This wasn't all that difficult, except that my father was finally showing interest and he couldn't understand why I was no active anymore. I never was the type of person that could lie, and so I just made one excuse after another. Mom caught on, but kept quiet for awhile. But, then her nature is to control, and so she couldn't help herself by messing in my personal life. Dear old dad just didn't show much interest in me at all, ever, so I didn't expect any big turnaround. Anyway, he studied and got baptised just to please my mother as their marriage had hit really rocky ground. None of it lasted long.

    I had already learned what df'g was all about, as it happened to me in 1968, for commiting fornication ONE time. I confessed and pleaded for help, but they showed no mercy. I was to be an example for all the other teenagers and young adults. That's another story.

    When I went back, it was only because I'd married and had a child, and wanted my child to have a relationship with family and friends I'd known since I was thirteen. I had so many doubts, but just did what I thought was best at the time. I stayed in for another ten years and then just couldn't do it anymore. I didn't believe it. I felt like I was living a lie and I didn't know who I was anymore. I was frightened of "the world", but just decided to "get off the merry-go-round".

    When I made the decision, there was no hiding it from my mother, who took it upon herself to DA me. She spread the word and it went like wildfire. Suddenly, even though I had not been disciplined nor df'd nor DA'd in any of the normal processes that go on.(Anyway, they had no grounds, except that I had confessed to mom that I couldn't believe it anymore.) I got no shepherding calls during the long years when my husband abused me and I had very difficult times. They gave me no warm brotherly love, and for that fact, only a few sisters got close to me after I began missing meetings. They were afraid, I suppose.

    Anyway, I guess if you can just slide away and not have to deal with the stigma of being labeled, I congratulate you. I just figure that sooner or later, the ones you are close to, will understand what your irregularity really means. If they keep quiet, fine. But, usually, there is just one who can't, and it is that one who brings it all down. Personally, I just wanted to get it all over with and get on with my life. They had already messed up my own family so much, and we were dysfunctional to begin with.

    I wish you the best. Take care of yourself. We can help here. Stop by whenever you like.

    Love and Light,


  • Mulan

    If a person thinks they are going to be disfellowshipped, then I think a disassociation letter is better. It's on YOUR terms.

    Otherwise, leave it alone. They would LOVE it if you wrote such a letter, so I say "don't give them the satisfaction." Don't make it easy for them. And it's easier on the JW family too.

  • DanTheMan

    The shun treatment is even colder towards a DA'd person than DF'd. Especially if they know that you DA'd because of your 'postate views.

  • sunshineToo

    I DA'd myself because I didn't want to be any part of the WTS. If I didn't DA, I was sure that I would get DF'd. And everyone, including those worldly people (my clients and associates) who have a link to any jw, would think that I had done something terribly wrong. I didn't and haven't commited any sin and still believe in God.

    Now I can tell people why I DA'd. If I DF'd, I thought I might sound less credible. Oh, well, that was my decision - quit before they fire me. I didn't want them to manipulate my life ever again.

    Yes, shunning exists. But who cares? As far as the jws, this whole world is Satan's any way. If they don't like it, let them go to the moon.

    It's all up to you.


    I AM A Dissassociated apostate --- BUT I THINK IT IS a personal decession on your part and no ones business as to the whys and opinion take this 4 what is worth...PEACE QUEENIE

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