Hello...looking for some experiences

by Waido 18 Replies latest jw friends

  • Waido

    I am the mother of a 25yr. old daughter...She has broken off her engagement to her young man..after discovering that they have a few differences in beliefs...She is sick at heart and so am I..after a year of dating they got engaged...then a year later..she dicovers he is an inactive JW...They lived together...and she has a two year old baby..he is not the father...but he is a wonderful man..and really was very good to her and my grandson...my grandson calls him daddy...Well the issures started popping up...all of the sudden...he is a JW...and he doesnt celebrate...anything...not so much said..as he doesnt show for the festivities...sort of passive restance...long story short..they started discussing..issures..and my daughter freaks over the not accepting transfusions...her precious baby...not save his life!!!...she is not a staunch christian...but she has absorbed beleifs having been raised in my church...Now she is laying here with tears...and trying to figure out how they can make this work....he says that she can raise the baby in her beilfs...and they could just each beleive what they beleive...She is in that same mode..her heart hurts..and she wants to figure out a way that all this will work...she keeps asking me...she is twenty-five...I am her monther...I am heartsick...I want my daughters happiness...for the long haul...We discussed about the words warning of being unevenly yoked...I was hoping prehaps she could get some of your experinces....and your insight....Thank you....

  • DJ

    Dear Waido,

    I'm sorry for your daughter's pain right now. I truly with all of my heart think that she will be in for much deeper pain for the rest of her life and your grandchild's life...if she stays with him. He will not be good for her in the long run. I hope you will believe me on this one!

    She will get over him and find someone else. He is a bad influence for your grandchild. He will teach her and he is lying to you when he says he won't. Facts are Facts. This religion will cause much more pain than it is ever worth.

    I am now a Christian and I will always try to love others but this is not a good life for your daughter.

    Run......as fast as you can......................Love, In Christ,


  • blondie

    First, is he baptized? If not, these issues will not lead to his being officially cut off from his family or friends. He sounds very confused. The first thing that he did that violated the JW view is living with your daughter without being married to her. I am wondering why his JW sensibility wasn't disturbed by that.

    he is an inactive JW...They lived together...the issues started popping up... he doesnt celebrate...anything...transfusions

    This young man seems to be divided in his feelings and beliefs. Why should he be concerned about the holidays yet live with your daughter in a relationship that is viewed as morally wrong by JWs. Will he really allow her to practice her own beliefs when it comes to the transfusion of his own blood child? Will he really be comfortable having his family see him celebrate birthdays and the holidays? Will all these things be a real source of strife between him and your daughter?

    One more time for emphasis, why was he willing to violate his beliefs and live with your daughter (I assume it was a physical relationship) but would not celebrate holidays. It sounds like a selfish and hypocritical viewpoint.

    And the issue of transfusion is extremely serious, especially when it comes to children. If they are not in agreement on this, it is a bad idea to continue the relationship.

    I hope, Waido, that this will help and not harm. I have had personal experience in this area. Better a little pain now then a lot a pain later.

  • Simon

    Hi Waido

    There are some on this board in a similar position - Concerned Mama (maybe on holiday) has a daughter who was seing a JW boy which is why she registered on the site. There are probably others too ina similar situation or at least people who can tell you the JW angle on it having been there.

    There are good reasons to be cautious for your daughter and gransdon's sake but it doesn't mean that it would be impossible to work out. Her fiancee may be under pressure to 'bring her into the truth' so that he hasn't married 'outside of the lord' as they call it. This may be why he's suddenly becoming more zealous.

  • spider

    It is difficult to give good advice without knowing more about the boyfriend and where his head is at. If they have been together two years and living in the same residence and yet she only discovered his beliefs recently then he is obviously inactive as you state. He is not going to meetings or going in the service and he is living with a non witness which a witness should NEVER do. So in effect he is not a witness as far as his lifestyle is concerned.

    The trouble is that by the sound of it, he still believes the witnesses have the truth. This is what would need to change for his attitudes about holidays and blood to alter. Even though he is not living the witness life, his mind is still being deeply affected by decades of programming which do not just vanish because he ceases to go to meetings. One is told so many times that blood is wrong that one actually develops a phobia of it - going to a christmas party might seem unnatural(because one has never gone to them) and also might prompt guilty feelings for those that still believe that it is wrong.

    So what to do? While he still believes the witnesses have the truth there will always be the danger that he will go back. And even if he doesn't and it just carried on as it was, he would continue to have these and other issues. The best thing would be for him to learn that the witnesses are wrong. The imformation which would help him to realise this is available. It is on this site on various threads but it would be good to go to sites like www.Freeminds.org and http://watchtower.observer.org/ as well as many others, which have a huge amount of info exposing the lies and problems with this religion. Will he look at this imformation? It depends how much the witness programming is still working inside of him. The witnesses say that he should not look at this kind of thing. That it is apostate. But he is latent and he might be persuaded. It depends on how he still feels and how reaonable to the idea of researching the religion. If he does not wish to then you or your daughter could learn more about what it is he believes so that you can help him to learn the real truth. But that might take time and effort. It would have to be done slowly and carefully and would take some thought. A lot depends on whether you and your daughter feel inclined to do this and also his reaction to it also.

    I wish you luck and I am sure there are many people who will respond who can give you their advice and experiences that can illuminate. Good luck.

    Edited by - spider on 25 August 2002 15:35:48

    Edited by - spider on 25 August 2002 15:39:30

  • Nowfree

    Hello Waido,

    My marriage broke up for the same reasons - I was a JW, my exhusband still is a JW, and our daughter required open heart surgery. Obviously the blood issue came up - I couldn't agree with it, and a month after our return from the hospital I just stopped attending all the meetings. Because of my fears of my daughter being brainwashed into beliving the JW teaching on refusing blood I asked my husband NOT to take her to meetings. He agreed for about 4 months, and then became very objectionable, abusive, and took her to meetings. He also asked me to leave our home. The police advised that I take my daughter and stay with my parents (also exJWS). I ended up taking him to court to get an order preventing him involving our daughter in any JW activities while she is with him, he also is not allowed to prevent medical staff administering treatment they see fit (obvoiusly including blood transfusions).

    I tried really hard to get the JW and non JW thing to work, compromising as far as I could without it endangering my daughters physical or long term mental health. But the JW way of life is so restrictive and controlling that compromise DOESN'T WORK. They are not allowed to do it. Life styles and principles are so different.

    JWs are not allowed to socialise with exJWS, especially those who are disfellowshipped. This can cause major conflict. All family social gatherings were a a problem. His family wouldn't be able to socialise with me, and my husband wasn't able to socialise with my family (one friend in particular who is DF). We had NOTHING in common. Plus the fact that he doesn't have the intelligence to think issues through - just gets cross immediately, and refuses to listen because everything I would say is "apostate thinking", and the shutters come down straight away.

    So now he is living with his parents and I am pursuing divorce proceedings.

    All I can advise is that don't try to compromise with a JW because they will NEVER meet you halfway, at least not if they are doing what a JW should be doing.

    If you can, draw a line underneath it, treat it as an experience, and start again.

    If you need any further info, just ask, and ((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) to all of you!


  • DJ

    Hi Waido,

    I already posted but I can't seem to get your problem off of my heart. Will you please go to a site and read my thread, it has to do with the blood thing. It is at www.freeminds.org on the homepage there is a revolving box that says, Net Soup...click on the one that says "I'd like to Introduce Myself" and you may read my experience. Believe me that is only one part off all of the nonsense that I've been through because of that religion.

    I know he claims that your daughter can raise her child in her beliefs, I do not think he can. Also, what if they have children together? He will have the say over that child, he would be the head of the household.

    I can't stress strongly enough that you need to do research on this religion and what it does to families. The pain can be unbearable. I would also point you to the pedophile problem that they have. There are endless reasons why your daughter is in harms way..............Love, dj

  • concerned mama
    concerned mama

    Hi Waido,

    Welcome to the board. The posters here can give you lots of good information, but I don't think it will solve your problem. It isn't easily solveable.

    As mentioned, my teenage daugher has had a JW boyfriend for 2 years. They are much younger and have a much younger more "innocent" relationship, but the same problems exist. No matter what the age is, there is major differences in culture. Even if he is inactive, the JW beliefs are usually firmly imbedded into his mind. Unless he does research into JW and decides he no longer believes it, their relationship will not work on a long term basis. Even if he has drifted away, he still is JW in the way he thinks. It would take a conscious decision and great courage on his part to open his mind and investigate his religion.

    I am fond of my daughter's boyfriend, and he is a sweet boy who treats her well, but as special as he is, he is still JW. Even if your daughter's partner is a great guy, at a certain point the differences will be extremely destructive, and can only lead to heartache.

    I have read about it here for months, and I see it watching my daughter and her boyfriend. My heart just bleeds for you and your daughter and that confused young man she loves. But...it's likely not going to work. Please feel free to e-mail me and we can talk.

    confused mama

    Edited by - concerned mama on 25 August 2002 16:52:9

  • Granny Linda
    Granny Linda

    Tell your beloved daughter to run like hell as fast as possible from those sick and perverted minds!!!!! I'm not kidding. They are soul murderers of the worst kind. You have received some sound, sane responses...take heed for sake of the child if nothing else. It would I'd think be much easier at this point and time making a clean break then it would be later on down the road if this 'inactive' JW doesn't get his head cleansed of that madness. I'm sick to my stomach thinking of yet another innocent and beautiful child that might be exposed to the filth of JW's.

    I have 3 wonderful grandchildren that I would fight to the death for. They have never been exposed to that insanity and should any JW, whatever their status, even attempt the slightest manevor towards those kids...all hell is gonna break loose. And I mean that sincerely.

    Years ago I'd written a letter to my brother-in-law pleading with him to protect his children from the likes of that organization. That was after I blew up at my sister for her 'conditional' love towards her two children...or at least emplied by such statements; "if Heather would ever become a prostitute, I'd not love her." A friggen babe in arms, but my sister has the JW sickness. Too, about her then 2 year old son, Ryan; "if he should ever become gay..." same, same. And this sister had been "inactive" for years, yet that mindset was never dealt with. And of course she told me I was the bad influence on her family!!

    No love lost on those people from me. I don't really give a rat's arse if they are "family." No loving family would ever dream of treating their "loved" one's the way they do. All in the name of their god.

    I'm too pissed to continue.

    Glad you posted. Hope you stay around. You'll read stories that would make any decent person sick at heart.

    Granny Linda

  • FreeWilly

    Hi Waido,
    I have first hand experience in this area. I was an inactive JW dating someone who had no idea. We went on the idea that we could have a relationship with seperate beliefs. We got engaged. At the same time I stated getting back with the JWs. We broke up a year later. Its wishful thinking to think that they will be able to have a loving relationship and not be affected by the JWs. It will have a profound effect on her life. Two things will happen if they decide to stay together.

    Scenario 1
    Your daughter will eventually accept the JWs& teachings if for no other reason that they will become her friends and social base. This is perhaps the #1 reason people become witnesses. For her child, an awkward warped childhood awaits. For you, you will eventually fit in the catagory of "worldly" and association with you could (depending on your daughter) become infrequent and awkward. If you are reading this and are saying "oh no, not my daughter" don't be a fool. We've all seen it happen too many times. More than anything else, the JW religion is known for splitting families apart. Its happened in my famlily, my wifes family and many people we know. Its subtle persistant and effective at it.

    Scenario 2
    Your Daughters boyfriend will use this opportunity to examine his beliefs. With the right outlook he may just discover the truth about them and refrain from diving in head first. He was inactive so its safe to say that he is not staunch or unyielding in his belief system yet. She must REQUIRE this reexamination of his beliefs as a condition of their relationship. She must be firm yet reasonable. It really is that important.

    Others have recommended some very good web sites for information. Do a little homework. I highly recommend that your daughter purchase the book "Crisis of Conscience" (availible at Freeminds.org) and she REQUIRE that he reads it before making any other decisions about their religion or relationship. Make that book availible to him. Feel free to email me ( or he/she can email me too) with any questions or advice.

Share this