want to start this out by saying thank you simon
its been a few weeks since i joined cyberspace, prior to navigating i had no idea their was a place for ex jw's to chat or meet. the concept is fabulous. riz thanks for pointing the way
im 30 now and have been free from the grip of jehovah's reform program (as i so kindly have dubbed), for the last 8 years. had i had the courage, insight and cashflow, i would have stood my ground and walked out at a much younger age, but i learned to humble myself (thanks to the watchtower and various publications) and think my parents and elders were right and that it was youth's rebelious nature kicking in, so i kept myself "clean" by following the rules, as best as i could, while in my thoughts i wondered if my path was aligned with what i felt i needed and wanted to be doing, and if what i was learning was actually true.
i began questioning at the age of 13 when i began to think for myself. i noticed that topics learned in school seemed to contradict things that i learned in the hall. naturally i began to pry at the "brother" that gave me studies, and would bombard him with all kinds of questions, sometimes we wouldnt even touch the publication cause we'd run into discussions that were led by my curiosity and probing, and these would eat up the time.
i was babtized at 15 for i was raised in the "truth" and at this stage it seemed like a natural progression. though riddled with doubts i proceeded thinking they would pass. in time my questions grew deeper and my curiosity urged me to explore life. i craved experience and i craved knowledge so i began following my heart.
an underlying issue throughout all this is the fact that i have been musically inclined since the age of 5. and thankfully my mother did not supress it for she is also drawn to the arts. with this in mind i set the stage for the under current.
it was around this time that my parents decided to move cross country from jersey to florida, and with this uprooting my quest for freedom subconsciously began. i was no longer tied to my past, i was in a foreign state and every aspect of my life would have to resume anew.
i was still congregating and began noticing issues which seemed to get brushed under due to preferences in hierarchy, issues i had never noticed before in the hall began catching my attention it was as though my perspective had shifted and i was no longer as gullible as i had been.
weeks followed meetings and i began college, as soon as the elders got wind i was going to pursue music education, all chaos broke lose, mind you the idea of college alone is enough to stir them so throw music into that mix.
meetings were followed by interogations, field service became golden opportunities to be counseled, seemed like everyone was more concerned with my actions than their field reports. i began growing resentful of the time i was wasting feeling and knowing that it would be more productive if i stayed home doing homework and rehearsing.
at one point during a counsel session i turned to the elder i was with and asked him what the purpose was to have been given a gift if i was not allowed to express it at its fullest potential. his reply was as generic as the result of a weekend kingdom hall project.
this was the defining moment where i decided to walk my own path and excercise my free will. not only had i heard one too many rehashed answers, i was done wasting my time. i was turning in my badge and gun.