Well, I damn near put my foot in it this evening. A friend of mine who is well aware of my continuing friendship with a JW (now allegedly ex-JW) told me I should meet an ex-JW that he knows. I felt pretty excited about meeting an ex-JW face to face as I've longed for a chance to speak honestly with someone who knows the organization well and my friend isn't ready to really discuss the issues yet.
Big mistake. Biiiiiiiiig mistake. About forty seconds into the conversation it became woefully apparent that the gal I was talking with was "out" but not at all out. You know how it is, someone who walks away for personal reasons but cannot even begin to think about the organization and it's teachings in an even remotely objective fashion. She was a very nice person. Ummmm, but I could tell that if I continued to converse with her she'd have labelled me an "opposer" before the evening was over.
What I was struck by was how deeply entrenched in the ideas people can be, even several years after leaving. Since I could see that she was still "in" on a number of levels, I knew it would be interesting to understand her perspective a bit better even though I knew the conversation would be fairly fruitless. I decided to take a stab at drawing her out in a bit to see where she was coming from. I explained that my friend was a JW but had left the group and I was worried that he might carry around a deep level of guilt for leaving. She looked at me and said- straightfaced- that if a person feels guilty or bad for leaving that it's their fault and that it has nothing to do with the organization. I had already ascertained that she was still in the mindset but i was really blown away by the unwavering loyalty to the organization years after leaving. It was weird- I understood that some people remain indoctrinated even after leaving but it was really bizarre to hear it firsthand. I guess you'd have to keep in mind that I really have only met active witnesses, never any inactive ones so I probably got too excited at the possibility of...free speech...honesty...good debate...I dunno- I was just excited. I tried to casually mention that I thought my friend might feel better- feel less guilt and so on- if at some point he was able to look at the teachings and such and understand that there is more to be considered than just whether or not he could follow there rules. She didn't seem to go for it, so I backed off figuring anything I said would just upset her.
However, I did ask her if she had ever gone online to any of these boards and she visibily tensed up and said no and that people who are on these sites are all just bitter or have a problem. She told me that she still believes the organization is right, but that being gay and not being excited about meetings and such made her feel like a hypocrite so she disassociated herself (which she then explained was different than doing something wrong and being disfellowshipped because somebody wasn't sorry about it).
As I was talking to her, I was wondering if in a few years my friend would be the same way. Afraid to look, afraid to challenge, afraid to think outside the pages of magazines they stopped peddling years before. I got a little sad. It seemed like this woman was always going to feel responsible for somehow failing to meet the high standards...
I know that I have to eventually get my friend to consider the other side of the argument, even if he chooses to dismiss the validity of counter-arguments. I tend to wonder when I should start gently suggesting that he start researching. He's only just beginning to open up about some of his family issues. I don't want to push, but I sure would hate for him to end up where this girl is emotionally and/or intellectually. She seemed to be deeply in denial and probably never really feels comfortable with her decision. At least, that's the impression I got. I had hoped to introduce her to my friend (who was there in the room but not by my side at the time I spoke to this woman) but it obvious to me that getting them talking would probably do more harm than good. Besides, she didn't really seem to like the idea of talking to him about any of it anyway (perhaps left over fear of ex-jw types?) I told her it was too bad that they couldn't share the whole been there,done that thing but I didn't think my friend was ready yet to talk about it. In reality, I was just more concerned that her blind acceptance of the groups rightness would just compound my friend's feeling of guilt for leaving.
Just some thoughts on my encounter I thought I'd share...
Edited by - detective on 27 July 2002 1:4:41