Hi,
I sent the following to my JW son today and, of course, I'm antsy about his reaction. I'd appreciate any input y'all may have. Thanks!
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Dear JW Son,
It was nice to talk to you last night. I am seeking to look ahead and prevent a serious problem for each of us. Even as the Bible says that the wise one has looked ahead and avoided the day of disaster in Proverbs.
A Problem
Today, I saw the August Kingdom Ministry that reminds JWs about the treatment of disfellowshipped ones. This made me stop and think about our situation. I am presuming that you will follow closely the directives in the KM. Since Shunned Sam has been designated as a "disfellowshipped" person, this presents quite a problem with you and Shunned Sam staying in my house at the same time.
My Views
Shunned Sam lives there with my complete approval and I no longer view him as a "disfellowshipped" person. To me, he is simply someone that was involved with a religion and chose to leave. (This compares with my situation of ceasing to be involved. I don't view myself as "apostate," "disfellowshipped," "Ex-JW," etc., but rather as person who used 28 years of life and sacrificed much for a religion that she no longer is involved with for private reasons.)
With all of us there, there would be a lot of association and shared meals. It seems to me that this would be an extremely awkward situation for each of us. I fear that there would be damage to our family as a unit, which has been splintered enough in the past, for you to display any hint of your choice of avoiding much association or "even sharing a meal" with Shunned Sam.
Shunned Sam's & Your Views
Then, there are Shunned Sam's feelings to consider. It would be unacceptable to me to have even a partial "shunning" in his own home, especially when the head of the house--me--no longer holds this view nor did I even when a JW. It would be different if we were visiting you in your home or in a kingdom hall.
This situation would also go against your religious beliefs. You would constantly be in a precarious position of deciding "how far should I go?"
Potential Family Disaster
If you were staying with me and Shunned Sam, it seems to me this would lead to everyone walking on egg shells so as not to cause a schism in the family. It seems to me to have the potential of seriously damaging the sometimes-fragile ties we already have. This would cause harm to the family even if we were to avoid a major event.
This is not a small matter but one of grave consequences. I am trying to respect the dignity of each person. Of course, you are free to pursue your life and beliefs, but not to bring them into my and Shunned Sam's home and cause harm. It is your choice to willingly participate in JWs shunning of family members, but it is my choice and right to say what goes on in my home and how members are treated in my home. "Your right to swing your foot ends with my knee."
I am concerned with legitimate feelings: 1) that Shunned Sam would not want to feel shunned, avoided, and poorly treated as a pariah in his own residence; and 2) that I won't have this treatment and tension in my home.
In this, Shunned Sam takes priority because it is his home too. And my beliefs have changed.
My Solution and Decision
You cannot stay with me on your visit. Please make arrangements to stay with someone else. It would protect everyone's rights if you stayed with friends. And then we can just have visits. Even the family picnic I had considered is now off because of the KM directives. And there's no way that I would exclude Shunned Sam to honor your beliefs, as I no longer participate in them.
I'm sorry that I have to rescind my offer of your staying with me. I had not foreseen the consequences. If I didn't feel it was so grave, I wouldn't take this action.
Your Responsive Attitude
Please take this in the spirit it's offered: this would protect and respect everyone's feelings and prevent a potentially, permanently, damaging rift in our family's relationship. It causes no undue hardship on you. I love you, JW Son, and from 28 years of being a JW, understand completely your religious views. Because of this, I also know the rigid and harsh position that your religion and you choose to take with ones who no longer agree with you.
Consequences
It seems to me that it would not be reasonable for you to take offense. You know that your religious beliefs are hard and cause problems for people who do not agree. As evidence, the disfellowshipping/shunning policy is not something you would present in service or casual conversation because it is perceived to be very harsh to the public-at-large nor "unbelieving" family members, such as the (family members) in our home state. So, it shouldn't cause surprise nor offense if I now won't allow it in my home. It is not persecution, but a consequence of your decision to follow the JW policy.
Follow-up and Conclusion
Please e-mail me to let me know what your plans are. I insist that this subject stay via e-mails rather than phone calls. That way, we can stay calmer and consider more what we say.
Please do not present your beliefs, the JW rationale of "it helps people to come back," and biblical reasons for them. Believe me, I know them as well as any JW from almost three decades of it.
This is my decision and reasons for it.
Love,
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Ha! I followed Belbab's directions and could turn off the red and substituted pseudonyms. Thanks Belbab!
Edited by - patio34 on 18 July 2002 20:15:47