Hehehe. I'm going to have some fun with this!!!!
Six days ago, God created Eve, purportedly from Adam's rib, even though in nature everyone is a woman for the first few weeks of life, but that isn't a botheration to God, because God can do anything. Then, about 5 days ago, he flooded the entire world and killed all the dinosaurs, as well as preserving hundreds of billions of separate species of animals on one small boat manned by 8 people. The animals must have been docile, I guess.
Four days ago, he used his nostrils to clear the pathway for the entire nation of Isreal (many, many people), to walk across the Red Sea, then obviously he removed his nostrils and the Egyptians pegged in the sea. How the Isrealites all got across that muddy, sandy ocean in such a short period of time with those nostrils looming over them is a mystery, but one we are not really supposed to think about & stuff.
Between then and about 2 days ago, a succession of horny kings ruled the land of Isreal, some having somewhat capacious harems, a book was written by Solomon because he couldn't lay some chick when he had about 10,000 others to keep him happy, and of course, some prophetic types saw a bunch of flaming wheels in the sky. One wonders if the prophets knew about 'shrooms!
Right on spot 2 days ago, God sent his son down to Earth to die, because God is a God of love (oh, and he's a man of war too!) After getting his son nailed to a cross, he then proceeded to bring him back to life and float him up in a cloud. Why couldn't he just have floated him up in a cloud in the first place? Surely that would have been better for all parties concerned? But anyway, being God, one person had to die so many more could live.
Then, for the next 1.9 days or so, God had some fun with the humans, sending things like the Black Death and Oprah to maim, kill, and slaughter millions.
About 1 hour ago, God decided to pour the Holy Spirit through the earholes of one Charles Taze Russel, or Tazey as we call him in these parts. Tazey proceeded to try and sell Miracle Wheat through his new magazine, but when that failed dismally and people found that the Miracle Wheat was in fact rather Ordinary Wheat, they needed a different source of inspiration, so Russel began telling them that he was the "Faithful and Discreet Slave", and they listened, those faithful people!
Soon enough, Tazey had thousands following his teachings, but then he died. (Hehe, a Farkel reference! ) So to take his place was a very meak, kindly man called Rutherford, who soon transformed himself into a one-man rant machine the likes of which has not been seen since YouKnow created his user account at JWD. But anyway, this Rutherford guy went about proclaiming that aluminium was poison, God is in the Pleiades, and of course he held some Conventions which apparently fulfilled Biblical prophecies involving trumpets. Then he died.
About 15 minutes ago, the year called 1975 by those dumb, slow humans rolled around, and many of the followers of Rutherford sold their homes, gave up their insurance schemes, etc, etc, to spend more time in the "Ministry". What this resulted in for them is unknown, but we do know that the Society is a lot richer now thanks to their donations, although this may change in the next few minutes! Then, 14 minutes ago, they were told that they "were too zealous" and "misunderstood" the Society, which was strange, since the Society had clearly stated that the world was going to end in 1975. Oh, damn, but the cherubs laughed their asses off when the Governing Body pulled THAT stunt! And, believe it or not, most of them went along with it, too! That made one of the cherubs laugh so hard she fell off her little golden cherub chair and spilled Tequila all over an archangel, and a royal fistfight followed in Heaven. That was 1990, round about the same time the Gulf War started because some guy in the Middle East decided to stop selling boatloads of stinky black stuff to people on the other side of the planet.
So about 5 minutes ago, the Society did another doctrinal about-face ("Tacking"), and revised a very significant part of their doctrine, essentially saying that the end of the world was not going to come quite as soon as they had expected again. This time at least the Governing Body were smart enough to revise their end-of-the-world date before it actually happened, so they're learning, at least. People who didn't believe in the New Light of the Generation were promptly kicked out of the Society, losing their family and friends in the process over a bunch of things some guy in Brooklyn typed on a piece of paper. Those wacky human beings! Whatever will they think of next!
Of course, about half a second ago, a program called Panorama aired, and now all of the Witnesses, as they called themselves, were in an uproar about this perceived affront to their Society, and are deriding all the people on the show as Apostates (some even used the particularly colourful term "Hell-Spawn of Lucifer The Damned", but privately, to their golf clubs, after they missed a winning shot on the sixth hole), revilers, and Causers of Dissent, even though the people were obviously telling the Truth.
Damn, but those humans are WACKED OUT! They even punch holes in their bodies sometimes!
Edited to add: [SYN], of the Sarcastic Class!
Edited by - SYN on 15 July 2002 12:54:58
