Hi Everyone,
I am a "newbie" that has been "lurking" and commenting on a couple of posts over the last six months. I was somewhat intimidated by some of the comments on the board so I didn't feel comfortable in introducing myself. Since Simon seems to be dealing with some of the more "aggressive" posters I felt the time had come to introduce myself. I am from Canada and was "raised" in the truth. I started publishing at age five, and gave my first talk at age 7 after the theocratic ministry school was opened up to sisters in 1958. I was at the New York City International Assembly and even though I was only seven I remember the closing song of that eight day assembly as if it was yesterday, it was "Living Up to the Name". The sessions started early in the morning and went until 9:00 at night. My family volunteered for cafeteria preparation and we helped cut up vegetables etc for lunch and supper. We stood in lines for our meals and had really great conversations with all of the brothers. I was baptized when I was ten, and vacation pioneered with a wonderful older sister during my summer holidays until I was in my mid-teens. Being the oldest of six children (the middle one having cistic fibrosis and dying when she was two and a half) I developed a really close relationship with Jehovah. He was my confidante and my source of strength. It may sound silly, but I know personnally of occasions where through prayer he stepped in and made life bearable for me. My Mom and Dad used to fight constantly due to lack of money etc, and there were occasions were my parents would get into physical confrontations. All of us kids would hide and be terrified, but I remember going up to my room and praying to Jehovah to make them stop and they would, almost instantly. I really believe that back in the fifties Jehovah's spirit was still somewhat on the congregations. As I got older the only "attention" I got was from giving the best answers, the most interesting talks, and putting lots of hours in the field ministry. In my teen years a brother from our congregation who was the "Bible Study Servant" started visiting my Mom and Dad. I had known him since i was a little girl and his mother had studied with my parents. My parents would have parties with sing-a-longs and everyone would have a few drinks, and it seemed the more this person drank the more attractive I became, even though at the time I was just turning sixteen. But during daylight hours and at meetings I became invisible. After a year and a half of this and some "admonision" from the "servants" this brother and myself were married. I was seventeen, had never been to a school party, had never dated, kissed another individual, but because my Mother considered this brother the "catch" of the congregation we were married. After fifteen years of marriage and three children later, my elder husband who either had meetings to attend at the hall or meetings with his job, or sports events to attend with the brothers plus a little dallying on the side with some co-workers and a very bad temper that resulted in periodical physical violence I decided that life was to short to be so unhappy. Because I was a very spiritual person at the time, I knew the only way I would ever accomplish a separation was to disassociate myself so that all of my friends and relatives wouldn't try to make me change my mind. I even wrote in my letter that I was doing this so as to not bring reproach on Jehovah's name, and I truly believed that. I was later reinstated but during my time away I started seeing things in an entirely different light. There were so many things I didn't understand or agree with but being a sister didn't dare question. I couldn't understand the reasoning on why brothers could have mustaches but not beards; I couldn't see why sisters in cold Canadian winters couldn't wear slacks; I couldn't understand why when the congregation gave the majority of contributions to the society they had to pay interest on loans made to them by the organization to build Kingdom Halls, I couldn't understand how when the really mature and spiritual brothers believed in the end coming in 1975 to the point of even selling their homes and moving to where the need was great or giving up the gift of having children because of their faith that the end was so near, and then later these ones were made out to be spiritually weak and "speculators". I couldn't understand how in early times when only sisters were in congregations they could give talks from the platform directly to the audience, would be the Book Study Servant, the Literature Servant etc., but when brothers arrived then the sisters could no longer speak directly to the audience. I have faded from the organization over the last few years, but go to funerals, weddings etc. Two of my adult children do not attend meetings While one does. Their father my ex who had fallen away from the truth, lived openly with two different women (yet never was df) over a period of five years started back to meetings, and was just recently made an elder again. Some of my siblings are still in the truth and some have faded. My Mom is still strong and because I'm the only one near to here geographically and she needs my support I feel that I can't jeopardize my relationship with her or my children by speaking out to strongly about my lack of faith in the organization. I am at a very uncomfortable place in my life - I still believe in a creator, a God whether his name is Jehovah or not, but I have had no relationship with him over the last year. Because of this I feel a huge void in my life. I do not pray and I have a bitterness towards the society because they have taken away something that was very precious to me by destroying my relationship with my heavenly father. I guess I've been rambling but I appreciate this board and would like to participate more often. If anyone has any suggestions as to how I can open up the avenue of prayer again, I would really appreciate their feedback.
Christian Love
Patricia
Edited by - Patricia on 4 July 2002 23:42:47