I guess it's time for me to tell my story on this forum. So here goes:
My parents came into contact with the "truth" during their engagement and so I was born into a Borg family and quickly "assimilated." The congregation I grew up in however had very liberal views on many subjects, such as higher education, secular careers, and the like. Quite recently I learned from the X-JW daughter of the "Congregation Servant" (that term dates me doesn't it) at the time that he didn't believe a lot of that the WTS taught but stuck with it because he felt there was "nowhere else to go."
I got baptised in 1973 when I was 14 y.o. I don't really know why I decided to do it then, but I did. During my later teenage years I began to have serious doubts about the existence of God and the authenticity of the Bible. Nothing in the WTS publications, or anywhere else convinced me that there really was a God or that the Bible was any more than a book of human origin. So eventually I made a break for it and moved in with some "worldly" friends. They were good people but lived on the "other side of the tracks" compared to what this starry eyed Witness boy who still felt like a JW at heart, had ever experienced. I even tried "witnessing" to them on occasion. Needless to say I didn't really fit in and I felt desperately alone and lonely, the guilt I was experiencing was almost overwhelming. Sometime later a work opportunity presented itself in another city so I decided to make another break and moved there, living with a JW family I had been friends with for some time, who had earlier also moved to the same city. I started going to the meetings with them, quickly made friends and before I knew it I was back in the Borg. That family became my best friends.
From then on I was on the up-and-up in JW-land. I moved into a flat with a guy who was studying with a special pioneer and who began to pioneer himself as soon as he qualified after baptism. Shortly thereafter I quit my job and I too started pioneering. During this time the son of the family I had stayed with was invited to Bethel so I, thinking this was the right thing for a young single "brother" to do, applied for Bethel service as well. After a few years I was appointed a Ministerial Servant and was progressing well in the Borg-anisation but ran foul of the local elders who thought I was too "strong willed" and "outspoken." I later learned that they thought I was lacking humility and had a problem with "following the direction of the elders." I remember one particular PO screaming at me, after a particularly encouraging "shepherding call" that "You'll never be an elder in this congregation as long as I have anything to do with it." And I never was.
Anyway in spite of that I was invited to Bethel, another move, and appointed an elder shortly after arriving and about six months after that I was appointed the PO of the congregation I was assigned to. I later read the letter the elders had written "introducing" me to my new congregation, and boy did they "put the boot in" as we say in this part of the world. I began to realise that not all elders were as kind and loving as the WTS would have you believe.
Bethel had been a long-time goal that I never thought I would attain and yet here I was, and I was an elder and PO to boot. Life couldn't be any better I thought. I was wrong, my god was I EVER wrong.
Without going into all the gory details, Bethel is corrupt, totally corrupt, and the higher up you go, the more corrupt it gets. So you think God's spirit guides these men HA! The infighting, backstabbing, empire-building, dishonesty and lying that I've seen with my own eyes makes a total lie of that (assuming of course that there even is a God). And all the Dateline/Child Abuse stuff - believe it - it's all true. I've seen situations just like it. I'm still haunted some nights by the memory of Judicial Committees I have served on and the effect the decisions that were made have had on people's lives. I hope those memories will fade one day. I hope they will forgive me. I hope you all will forgive me.
I could give you some first hand insight into what really goes on behind the closed doors of an elders meeting, but I suspect that many on this forum already know. Spirit directed NO! Personality directed YES! Motivated by loving concern for the flock NO! (well maybe a few individuals) Motivated by what the Circuit Overseer will write in his report to the WTS YES! Not afraid of lying to the CO to make things look good ABSOLUTELY! And I'm only scratching the surface here. Of course you could argue that these are human failings common to any human organisation, and that is true, but then no other organisation claims to be GOD'S Organisation on earth, with the congregation directed by Christ himself, do they! You could also argue that it's not the organisation that's at fault but the men who run it, but why would God appoint such incompetent men to positions of such great authority over peoples lives? And they do claim to be appointed by "Holy Spirit" (if there is such a thing).
But I digress
Eventually all this corruption started to get too much for me and the old doubts that I had always had, but buried, started to surface again. Some will say I neglected my spirituality and so "fell away" quoting "the sin that easily entangles us" and all that stuff, but I think of it as "wising up" to the REAL truth, not the WT "Truth." I know I never had any spirituality, it was all just a sham. I was locked into the Borg and couldn't get out. However when you're in Bethel getting out is not always an easy thing to do, especially if you've been pioneering for a good many years and have little money. So I buried the doubts again for a few more years and continued the facade of spirituality. I've always thought it interesting that it was during this time that I was assigned parts on District Conventions and given increased responsibilities in the circuit and Bethel. If only they knew what was really going on in my mind.
By now several yrs of Bethel service has passed and I could take no more, so I made an excuse and left. I got a job and rented a flat in my local congregations territory.
I continued as the PO in the congregation for another year then moved to a neighbouring congregation, where I was reappointed as an elder soon after. This congregation, like the last one, had elders who were also Bethelites, and the unholy attitudes of Bethel were also evident. By now I could take no more. I had devoted half my life in the Borg, remained single, in spite of a strong desire for a partner, because I thought I was doing what Jehovah wanted, and now I felt like it had all been wasted. I stopped attending meetings. Apart from one elder, who visited a few times, I had no witness visitors or callers. No-one cared, I didn't exist. I never thought I could feel so low. So much for the "loving brotherhood."
I moved to the other side of the city and left no forwarding address other than a Post Office Box number with my landlord. All those fine JW friends, even the family I had considered my "best friends" refuses to speak to me. A few individuals have sent the odd e-mail but as soon as I let them know that I'm not interested in coming back they stop trying to contact me.
For the last 2-3 years I've been trying to rebuild my life and do some of the things I've missed out on, but its not been easy. I'm getting there however, little-by-little. I'm over the guilt and I've removed every trace of "dub-dom" from my life as a kind of "cleansing." I have a great job and I've made some great friends. Still looking for that "special" someone however.
This place has been a fantastic find. I have close friends to confide in, but no-one really understands what an X-JW is going through like you guys. You're all helping me heal. I appreciate you all.
So if there's anything I can do to assist anyone to escape the Borg, I'm only too willing. I'm not pushing for reform of the WTS, nor do I ever wish to go back. I don't think it will ever change. There is nothing anyone can do to "fix" it, the best thing you can do is get out. If the Borg ever decide to come after me, I don't care. If they DF me my, only concern is that I will be cut off from my family who are still in the Borg. I'm hopeful however that they will see the evil of the WTS themselves and choose not to obey the rules.
I refuse to be intimidated by the WTS any longer. I've left 3 years ago and they have still had me living in fear of disfellowshiping. It sucks! I will stand it no more.
Mackin