I feel the need for a rant!
I had a conversation with my JW elder father tonight that has left me seething. Just to set the scene, I left the JWs back in 1994. I was baptized, having been DFd and reinstated a couple of years prior to my final exit in 94. I was never DFd again and pretty much left to my own devices. Most JWs still talk to me, I have a good relationship with my JW parents. Even though I live in sin and have two kids outside of marriage, Ive managed to keep my head down and no one bothers me.
So tonight I was at my parents house and my father was just about to go out to an elders meeting as it is the COs visit. (oh jump for joy). I usually keep my opinions to myself but I was feeling quite bold and decided to ask him a few straight questions, which I have NEVER discussed with him previously. Heres how the conversation went:
ME: Im surprised Ive never had the CO knocking on my door, in all these years.
DAD: What do you mean, youre surprised youve never had a shepherding visit?
ME: (getting slightly worried he might think I am asking for one) Yeah, kind of. I just mean that it is unusual that no one has ever chased me up, seeing as I am technically still a baptized JW.
DAD: Well technically yes, but I think we both know you are not a JW by any stretch of the imagination.
ME: (feeling complimented) yeah true but look at ******,(old JW friend of mine) she had to DA herself or end up DFd and she is in the same situation as me.
DAD: Ah yes, but you drifted over a length of time and when we had the elders meeting about you.
ME: (interrupts) The WHAT??? You had an elders meeting specifically about me?
DAD: yes, we did, and we decided nothing would be gained by DFing you after all those months of inactivity.
ME: Well I still think its unfair on ******, in fact DFing anyone is unfair. Think about it, if I wanted to come back now, it would be because I really wanted to, not because I couldnt deal with the misery of being shunned my everyone I know.
DAD: (shakes head patronizingly) We wouldnt want anyone to come back under those circumstances. People only come back to the truth if they are repentant and love Jehovah. People would never come back just because they didnt like being DFd.
ME: (getting angry) Well actually loads do just that.
DAD: (still shaking his head) I doubt that. Like who?
ME: Like me! Why do you think I got reinstated? It was because I couldnt deal with the psychological torture.
DAD: then you did it for the wrong reasons then. And history has proved that, because you didnt stay in the truth. Perhaps in the future you will come back for the right reasons.
ME: I doubt that very much. I am very happy now thankyou. Why would I want to go back to being miserable?
DAD: oh, so you are happy now you have no responsibility? You can do what you like when you like.
ME: (points to my children playing outside) THEY are my responsibility. And I cant do what I like when I like. Regardless of what you might think, I do have strong moral principles. They dont just all evaporate when I stopped going to meetings.
DAD: Well I am glad to hear that. But you still have lifestyle issues that would need resolving before you came back.
ME: (getting angrier) But I just said I dont want to come back!!!
DAD: And we wouldnt want you.
ME: Meaning???
DAD: Until you sort your lifestyle out, there is no place for you in Jehovahs Organisation. To be honest I always thought that you would return to the truth, but you have let us down by your behaviour and your obvious lack of bible based principles.
ME: Well its nice to finally find out just what you think of me. I thought we were close now, I certainly felt closer to you and mum since the JW religion was out of the equasion in our relationship.
DAD: Well I have to go now.
ME: Okay fine. Feel free to come round to my house anytime and we can discuss this further.
So, after spending the last 7 years building up what I thought was a close father-daughter relationship, it turns out that he just sees me as an immoral god-knows-what. And I was especially p***** off by the fact that I am not good enough for his poxy weirdo cult with all its hypocrisy and child molestors. I am the person that tries my best and looks after my family best as I can, but even then, I will always be a failure in his eyes because Im not a JW. Elder first, father second. Simple as that.
I know its all just stating the obvious when it comes to JWs but it just really got to me, actually hearing it all from him. I have always tried to spare my parents feelings, I take the mags to keep them happy, I nod and smile sweetly when they start the lecture, but I am getting closer to giving them the truth. The real truth, not their fantasy world version of it.