JWs and Stronger Marriages?

by Pubsinger 42 Replies latest jw friends

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  zev

  great topic.

  and i will add my 2 centavos.

  i can think of a half dozen couples in 10 seconds.

  then there is me.

  my marriage was over in five years. i stayed 18.5 total.

  i filed for divorce 3 months ago.

  it was over, because i didnt live up to her expectations of a husband, and hold a "position" in the "org". i was never respected after that resignation.

  the last 4 were horrific and depressing. most of you who followed my posts and read my (so far) 8 part serires will know and understand.

  why did i stay? being raised in the so called "truth" i was taught and somewhat believed i had no choice but to stick it out weather i was happy or not. my own values and ethics also played a part in this as well. i am not one that "runs" at the first sign of a problem, and i will try my best.

  once it became clear to me, i would no longer be in the "truth", and that i was being "used" (in ways i dont think i have told the board yet, but believe me, the last 3 months before i left, she really showed her "true colours") i was able to free myself of the constraints that held me hostage for so many years. it also freed me of years of emotional and mental abuse.

  although being involved in the situation clouded my judgements, i discovered i was never REALLY LOVED at all. i was a paycheck, and a "father" for her children. the "love" wasn't real. she "felt nothing" for me.

  i thought i knew what REAL LOVE was all those years. being a jw, and my only marriage, i thought i knew and understood. i didn't.

  i do now.

  Edited by - zev on 20 June 2002 13:16:12
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  HomebutHiding

  Dobby, I think it goes beyond unhappy marriages, even. Many of the JW marriages, by virtue of the submission rule, are abusive and controlling. I have heard it time and again. Worse, I lived it. Worse still, I felt if I were somehow a better example of a Christian wife, i.e., MORE submissive, all would be well. When I finally got good and sick, I left.
• 

  NeonMadman

  Dear Pub, Allow me to introduce myself. I am HomebutHiding. My JW husband and I divorced, after a 22 year marriage just 2 years ago. There, so now you know of 61 divorced couples!

  HBH, you're not my ex-wife, are you?

  I was divorced by my JW ex after (actually) 23 years of marriage, mainly because I wouldn't go back to the KH. She obtained the divorce "scripturally" based upon her own adultery.

  During the 23 years, we might have been said to have a "strong" marriage in the sense that we stayed together all those years. However, it was not strong in the sense of having love and mutual respect and trust in it. It was a 23-year nightmare, filled with anger, violence, and destructiveness. Any normal couple would have gotten a divorce within the first 5 years and moved on with their lives, but we stayed together because we were JW's, and it was the right thing to do. Only when I abandoned their organization/God did she finally make the break. It helped that, at the convention that summer, they had detailed what practices constituted "porneia," so that she was able to classify her behavior with her massage therapist a few years earlier as adultery, and get the elders' blessing for the divorce.

  My second marriage (to the most wonderful woman in the world) is a very strong marriage. My wife is my best friend in the world.
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  joannadandy

  Divorce in my part of the world was HORRID! And therefore in my existance of 20 years as a dub, I can maybe think of two...

  However, I can think of about 30 who should be divorced. They are miserable, they badmouth each other in front of everyone, not pretty, nor healthy to watch I gather, but for the most part they all put on a good front, and no one talks about it...sooo healthy!
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  HomebutHiding

  neon..whew! Until you mentioned the adultery thing, you had me wondering! The more posts I read on the board, the less unique I feel. There is comfort in numbers. I, too, am remarried. The relationship is mature and respectful. We have a lot of LIKE!
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  Jewel

  Of the group of five of us who grew up in "the truth" together, 3 are divorced. I'm still married, but that's because I married a "worldly" guy. I'm pretty sure that if I had married a good Witness boy I would be divorced, dead, or insane by now...
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  NeonMadman

  The main point that I'm seeing in this thread is that JW marriages are no stronger than anyone else's, and are probably more strained than non-JW marriages, due to all the pressures that the organization imposes.

  However, JW's may be more prone to stay together and be miserable than non-JW's, again, because of organizational and peer pressure.
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  HomebutHiding

  I agree, neon. I think you nailed the thing right there.
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  ashitaka

  I knew five couples, but then again, we didn't get around very much.

  Many of the rest were unhappy marriages, but I think this is average as to the rest of the world.

  Of course that's what this is all about...the witties are no different.

  They just think they are

  ashi
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  joannadandy

  Exactly Neon--

  I think something else people should realize is most JW's marriages take place when people are 18-22 year old (hey when you can't make whoopie it puts the pressure on to find a lifemate)

  Being 22 myself, I can't IMAGINE being married right now. I have trouble nurturing a house plant, and as for my "ideal life mate" Pfff-like I know what this! I have a vauge idea...but that idea will become more clear with time as I learn about myself, and what I need to compliment me in a partner.

  Statistics show that the younger a couple is when they get married the more likely they will have strain as the marriage continues because people grow and change, but ALOT of maturing and changing happens in the early to late 20's. It's no wonder that some JW's wake up one morning and say "who the hell did I marry"

  And of course the WT tries to give out those articles about waiting until "after the bloom of youth"...pfff, that really works. Like I said, I am 22...I am the only out of all my JW friends who is not married. Most of them got married when they were 19, had never lived in their own apartment, never made a car payment, naturally hadn't gone to college, and pretty much never done anything for themselves. Two of my best childhood friends got married. She was 19, he was 22. I love 'em to death, but they are easily the most immature people I know. I wish them all the best, especially since she has now just turned 21 and preggers, but I fear what they will be like, and what their relationship will be like when they are 30.