Disfellowship, Disassociate, or fade. What would you do different.

by John Aquila 23 Replies latest jw experiences

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  John Aquila

  Hindsight:

  Many times because of the shock of learning TTATT, a person loses it. You want to scream and tell the whole world that the Watchtower is a big lie. Your first concern is those you love. You want to save your spouse, your children, your parents.

  But you blurt out and say the wrong things at the wrong time. You can’t seem to control your emotions. And you can’t control your anger. You start demonizing the Organization. You start calling them Hypocrites’, the evil slave, the Devil--- without realizing that you just started scaring your wife, your husband, your parents, and your children are crying.

  In their mind you have somehow been caught by the devil. In their mind you have disobeyed the Governing Body and have looked at the internet.

  You tell them what you read about the Watchtower. They ask you, “Where did you read this?” You answer, “The internet.” You just confirmed their worst fear. You are becoming an apostate.

  They call the elders, the parents, the friends and they all rally against you. You start slowing down in field service. The loyal JW friends start scaring your family. They say, “The next thing will be the meetings and after that the truth.”

  Sure enough the more you learn about TTATT, the more you are convinced that you cannot go out in service anymore. You keep reading more about the Watchtower, and you finally get to the point where you just can’t go to the meetings any more.

  And because one took these steps, the results in many cases, have been that many have not talked to parents for decades. Some have not talked to children for years. And some lost their marriage partners forever.

  I have no doubt that if I knew back then what I know now; I could have saved my wife.

  Now that you understand what is involved in learning TTATT and leaving the Watchtower, what would you do different.

  This is advice for new JWs lurking the site.
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  zeb

  I faded long before I knew the term or this site or even the web generally. I didn't do any letter writing as this would have given the self-righteous class the ammo to do the big announcement and such would have hurt some in the cong I have great affection for. So if we meet it is still "Hi" and caring small talk.

  Also I never received any certificate of baptism no formal document so be damned if they are getting one on leaving to do this is playing into the legalistic way the wt thinks.
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  bafh

  I faded and that is what I recommend to others...You are right though, some people are so angry (understandably so) that they are not able to contain it and they say and do things that are not in their own best interest.

  Ultimately, it depends on what people want the outcome to be. I am a 4th generation JW, so there was a lot for me to lose if I was out with it all. I wanted to maintain contact with my family, so I faded. And I moved out of my old territory and never contacted the congregation where I now live.

  I would advise people who are fading and who do not want to appear as a threat to their family and friends to keep opinions to yourself, and to be encouraging to them as people. If something is important to them, be happy for them, encourage them. It does not imply agreement or consent. It just means can love them just as they are with no expectation they will be different.

  That said, if you have family who are mean or abusive to you - then keeping your distance is probably wise.

  Get into therapy. Fight the training that "everyone is dangerous", quell the paranoia and start building your social network outside of the congregation so when you fade you have something to fade into. That was one of the hardest things for me to overcome - having no social support in the congregation and no social support outside the congregation.

  You might find a group in your area like Sunday Assembly. Lots of people like you and me there and it is a wonderful group to fall in with.

  BAFH
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  Pete Zahut

  We faded, the only thing I'd do differently is I would have done it sooner, I wouldn't explain to, argue with or show anyone the reasons I decided to leave. They don't care or want to know and it can make you crazy trying to make them understand.

  The one other thing I might have liked to have done, is to make subtle comments at the meeting that show the irony of what is being said now compared to what was once called "the truth". It would have also been fun to leave copies of old magazine covers (see below) lying around at the Kingdom Hall, on car windshields, in the restroom etc...showing some of the past issues that made life changing claims that everybody trusted but ended being totally incorrect. Then sit back and watch the ensuing drama as the tried to ferret out the wicked apostate who is using their own literature against them.
  

  
  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  
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  John Aquila

  Awake magazine quote:

  This magazine builds confidence in the Creator's promise of a peaceful and secure new world before the generation that saw the events of 1914 passes away.

  I need to get some of those old Awakes magazines. That was like the red flag for me. 1995 the year the generation starting changing, the year trouble started brewing in my household.
  
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  DesirousOfChange

  John, I've read your story and love to meet with you and chat. For me, I could not have done anything differently. I was a believer. I was born-in and I believed hook-and-sinker. I was a rebel in my teens-20s and SO GLAD that Armageddon did not come and take me down with the "world". But it took me another 30-35 years to awaken to TTATT after all that.

  I guess I could have shouted from the rooftops "This is a f*cking cult", but what would that have accomplished? I would not have listed to some "apostate" fanatic like that.

  Fortunately, now we've mastered a successful fade. We don't cause controversy. We don't question any thing new (New Lite). Rather, we're busy, depressed, discouraged, etc etc. "Inactive" is the official WT classification. We are avoided by the local Cong. bit occasionally hear from other friends beyond the local area who do not realize our total disdain for the Borg.

  What Pete has posted should have been sufficient for us from the 70s/80/90s to realize all of the "false predictions" of the WTS. But we were deluded by a Cult.

  Even the GB/WTS does not have any direction as to where they are goiing today. THEY ARE LOST. All the prophecies of men who were smarter and more educated than the current GB have failed. They are of MY generation. They too believed it all. Yet, it has NOT proved to be true. I think they are lost. (They;re f*cked.)
  

  WHY WOULD ANYONE DO ANYTHING BUT "FADE"?

  WHY PLAY BY THEIR RULES?

  Doc (totallystonedssoifanyofthisdoesn'tmakesense--sorry)

  Love you guys

  Doc
  
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  LongHairGal

  JOHN AQUILA:

  Hindsight being 20/20, I would have to say that the only thing I would have done differently was walk away from Jehovah's Witnesses ten years sooner than I actually did.

  But, there's no sense crying over spilt milk. I'm glad I'm free now.
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  FayeDunaway

  I would have talked to fewer inactive but iffy witnesses...I too often assumed they were safe. But noooo, you never know who wants to go back, and who is safe. Be careful!
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  kaik

  I grew up in it and was involved until I was in my 20's. I had doubts entire time, especially when my father refused to get baptized and called the JW religion based lies and BS. After study book of Revelation, I seen his view that this cannot be God' channel of communication, and I just walked away. Suddenly. I have not read TTATT, nothing of these, until 20 years later. Immediately I started to have productive live, went to school, earned both undergrad and postgrad degrees, and have a corporate career.

  My advice depending on the age,is, live your life to the fullest and responsibly. Save money for retirement, and enjoy life free of dogma. Some of you will need to see a specialist to deal the shock or feeling being spiritually deceived. The person who helped ending the mental bond with JW was rabbi. I always like history and we studied OT and Jewish faith. I helped me to break away from Christian indoctrination. While I did not become Jew, years later, I met a wonderful Jewish person and the rest is history.
  
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  Phizzy

  If my circumstances had allowed it, I would have DA'd myself and been free of them straight away.

  As it has worked out, I am glad I did not do that as my present status of Inactive/non-Attending allows me to converse with family members, and have some sort of (strained) relationship with them, which I prefer to none at all.

  The downside is that I still have to watch what I say to JW's to a degree, carefully choosing my words, but that is no great problem. If I was DA'd I would not be speaking to them at all, as it is I am able to "plant seeds".