I was born into a well off family in the wee year of 1979. My father was a water/oil well driller and worked days on end so I rarely ever got to see him. By the time I was waking up in the mornings he was already at work and when he returned home at night I had already gone to bed, so most of my days where spent without him. I had sister that was 14 years older than I was and she had severe brain damage and had to be placed in a state home when I was 18 months old, so I do not remember to much about home life with her, other than it was like we had a "big" baby at home with us. I also have a brother 12 years my senior and a sister that is 9 1/2 years my senior. My brother always went to work with my father when he did not go to school so much of my days where spent with my mother and my sister, learning about the watchtower. Mother would wake us up and take us out in service with her and take us to the meetings with her every Thursday and Sunday and on Tues. we had bible study inside our home. Everything we did revolved around the witnesses!!!!
When I started school, all the kids in my school where very aware that I was a Jehovah's Witness and the parents all looked down on that. I even had problems with the teachers being cruel to me because of my faith. I never really understood why because all I had ever known was the "truth" and the way my mom would explain it was that we were just being persecuted for being a Witness and that was perfectly normal. I was also told not to hang around with "wordly" association, and I did not go to school with any witness children so that I was all I knew at school. Mother encouraged me to hang around with the "well rounded" witness kids. So as long as I was at the meetings or with the witness kids everything was great, but school life was hell!!!!
When I was 9 years old my mother, sister, and I took a trip to NYC to see Bethel with an elder, his wife, and two young girls. I remember the way the elder would always touch his crouch, it was like it was an uncontrolable impulse that he had. He would touch himself during conversation with anyone. Very odd for a young girl to see. My mother trusted this family very well and the elder and his wife had even served at bethel before their two daughters where born. When we went to stay in NYC we stayed with a family that this elder had been friends with during his stay. His girls were taking a bath and they suggested that I take a bath with them. I remember while we were taking the bath that the two girls(one was 2 years younger than I and the other 3 years younger)made a game out of touching each others genitals and washing each other, and they suggested that they wash mine and that I wash theirs. I had never done anything like that before in my life!!!! These girls were very experianced at giving and recieving pleasure, and even though I was only 9, I realized the strangeness of the situation. After we had played in the tub for about an hour the elder, yes I said the girls father, THE ELDER, came in and "washed" us all up. I then saw how the girls learned how to be so thuro in washing. Afer we were all good and clean I remember it was time for bed. The last thing that I remember was that the elder suggested I sleep with him and his wife. I do not remember anything after that, but I have had extensive therapy done on me(this will come later on in my story) and it is evident that I was molested as a child. Even though I cannot tell you exactly who it was, I have my reasons for believing that this "elder" may have been the culprit.
When I was in the sixth grade, alot of changes where going on at school as well as at home. My sister and my mother had started getting into severe fights and I was totally unaware of the reasons for this, but later I would find out. Also at school, I had made quiet a few "worldy" friends and I was finally fitting in because my mother was more interested in my sister by this time than who my friends were. I can remember getting clothes from other girls at school and changing clothes into something more popular when I got at school than what my mother chose for me to wear as of that day. I also would walk up to the local stop and go store for lunch. When my mother learned of these activities, I started seeing my mothers true colors come out.....
Up intil that time I could do no wrong. Mother was so proud of me for going to the meetings and going out in service with her that I was her dream child. She would always show so much love for me when I would show any interest in the witnesses or the meetings. But... whenever she found out about my little goings on at school all that stoped. The day that she found out about the clothes exchange and the walks to the store she took me home and beat me with a belt, and then when the belt broke, she moved on to a twig. I was black and blue and I could not understand why mother had done this to me. I thought I was her little girl.... I thought that she loved me...... What was going on???
My sister was disfellowshiped when I was 11. I was so hurt by all the misunderstandings in my life and I felt so much resentment for my mother and her frequent spakings( I should say beatings) that I just kind of got lost in my own world. I remember one time going to a pep rally and when my mother came and dragged me out by my hair I knew that she meant business. She had gone up to the school and had found letters from other girls from school(you know the usual preteen chit chat on what boys where cute and who we liked and school sucked stuff, nothing serious). She had also found a picture from one of the guys that I went to school with. When we got home she proceeded to spank me while my sister watched, belt on my back and back of my legs. Just when the spankings were over(or so I thought) a friend from school called. After she got off the phone with my friend, the spankings started again cause this girl had called. I could not walk for the pain was so bad, I had bruises up and down my legs and my back. The next day at school, one of my fellow classmates reported it to a teacher and told the teacher what had happened. When I was sent down to the counselers office there were several teachers in there along with the principal that told me I was lying about the whole incident cause my mother was "such a nice person, and would never do a thing like that" they also informed me that if I let another word like that slip from my mouth that they would call and tell my mother what was being said. None the less, I never spoke another word about it...
Wanting love and attention from my mother again I decided to get baptized(I was still going to the meetings every time my mother went), and when I announced this to my mother the love started flowing back to me like it had never stopped. Boy it was great feeling that love again. I was 12 years old, taking the first step into my most horrifying trip ever!!!!
When I was 13 years old I was raped by a guy that lived in our town. He was not a witness, but fearing that I would somehow be to blame, I never told my parents. I was terrified at what lay ahead of me and I already knew that I had made the wrong decision for getting baptized, because I felt I was doomed to die at Armagedon cause I felt the rape was my fault. I started hanging around with the trouble makers at school and doing the oddest things. I was known as the "weird" girl at school. The parents of the witness kids my age would not let their children hang around with me cause they were saying that I was going to end up just like my sister, disfellowshiped. At the middle of my eighth grade year my mother decided I had psychiatric problems and sent me to a Charter in Dallas Fort Worth that specialized in Witness help. That was the biggest mistake that my mother could have made(wonder where my dad is at do ya, well it is easy to see that my mother wore the pants in the family and if the witnesses said to do it, she did it. Dad did not speak up until later)
At charter I did the most of my turning. All the witness kids there were such a good influence. They taught me how to smoke and how to do drugs and they even taught me how to properly move my hips during intercourse!!!! I was loving this shit!!!! It was great. For once in my life I had made witness friends that could teach me all about the real world and I could have fun with!!!! Mother was ublivious to it all!!! She was so happy that I was hanging around with the witnesses. THANKS MOM!!!
That summer after we returned to our home town I started hanging out with a witness girl that was 2 yars older than I was. I was 14 and she was 16. WOW she had a car and mom trusted her. We did everything together. We even had boyfriends that were brothers and they were also witnesses, we were best friends!!!! Her boyfriend was 25 and mine was 22. We had older men, a car, and we looked good!!!! What else could we ask for!!! We used to sneak out at night and meet our boyfriends and then up to the local motel we would go. Or maybe would just stay in their truck for the night, you know, us in the cab, them in the bed....well you get the picture. While we were doing this we had so much FUN!!! We even learned of how much fun the other witness kids were having. Life was great!!!!!
Then, my conciense kicked in. I had to tell. I felt so guilty andI did not want to see my friends not get to go to paradise for what they had done. I wanted to live in paradise, I loved Jehovah and guilt was eating me alive. I just knew everyone else would understand what I was doing. So..... I told. I told my mom, I told the elders, and then I told them. They hated me.. All of them.. They all denied it except for me. Even my 22 year boyfriend that I thought loved me so much denied it. I was going to be disfellowshiped for slander unless I could prove it.... So I proved it. Remember the motels??? Well, motels keep record of who come and stay for the night, I knew the exact night, and that is what kept them from winning, I won. I had never felt better in my life getting that off my chest, until my judicial meeting was set.....
6 Elders from different congregations sat in on my JM. The reason for so many and from different congregations was because when I told most of what I had involved the elders children from the congregation that I attended so they could not be on my hearing. When the questions started I could not believe what they were asking. I told damn it I though I was repentive for telling, and now these perverts want to know if I had an orgasm or if he stuck his fingers up inside of me. And if he did, did I move??? Did I "buck" against him???? I was 14, my mother and my father were both in here. I was mortifid so I refused to tell the intamate details. I got disfellowshiped for not indulging it all, and I mean ALL. EVERY LAST DETAIL!!! My best friend and her boyfriend were also disfellowshiped. I had another friend that got disfellowshiped, but WTS rejected her disfellowshiping(she was an elders daughter) on not enough evidence. I was crushed. I just knew I was going to die at Armagedon. I had lost. I was the bad one in the situation. The elders also advised my dad not to go to the authoraties about my boyfriend and our sexual escapade cause I was willing. I was 14 and he was 22. Guess what.... Dad went to the law!!!!1 GO DAD!!!!
After I was dissed mom felt it nesassary to take me back to Charter!! What I learned this time at charter changed my life and the way I would think for as long as I live!!! You know what the counsler taught me that time???? He taught me to THINK FOR MYSELF. He also told my mom to back off and let me have my own mind. Thanks dr. P!!!
Well, life has had its ups and downs since that day of disfellowshiping. I automatically got rejected from my mother and then when she would think I was going to come back she would get so happy again. The turning point that I knew I would never go back was when my oldest sister died and the "king" elder gave her eulogy. When the time came to mention the family members surviving her death he proceeded to tell my whole family, shit even her cousins and her sister in law, left out two people, my sister and I, the only two that were officially disfellowshiped(my brother was never bapt.). Everyone there noticed it. I told my mother about it and how pissed I was about it so the elder came to my house to appologize(he said that we must have just slipped his mind,(yeah right, he was looking right at us with a smirk on his face when he omited us) Then he harped on me about going to the meetings again and how they had the truth. I told them to kiss my ass, lit up a cig., and then told them to leave. I think they fell in love with me that day. Damn apostate:)
What hurts these days is that mom will go and take vacations with these girls that I grew up with and talk about them constantly but she cannot even call to say she loves me. Mother has not told me she loves me in years.... but.... I can get by without hearing it cause I will never do what she wants me to do to win her love.
Dad has grown into my best friend and the greatest man since all this happened. At my JM he decked one of the elders for asking to many questions(GO DAD) and he has helped me with links to sites like these. Any time I need a friend I call dad, he is always here for me now. His biggest regret now is that after I was born that he did not grab me and my brothers and sisters and run. Mother thinks he is the biggest apostate, little does she know he just knows how to use his brain. They are still married though by the way(hey forty years is a long time with someone to just say goodbye) Mom is scared to be alone(dad is very wealthy)and dad is just used to her. Sad but true.
As for the ones that got by when I was disfellowshiped, only two still remain in the truth. My best friend that got dissed with me long with her boyfriend wound up marrying the guy and they had a child together. Earlier this year they got a divorce because she foud out that he had been molesting her brothers since before they were married. About two months ago she got dissed for fornication along with another married man in the congregation. Her husband got no legal charges pressed on him(hmmmm wonder why) and was dissed for adultry, not for pedophilia. Crazy huh. The others just seemed to drop out as the years went by.
It has been nine years since that terrible day, but I will never go back and I am so happy to be rid of those people and I just hope that many out there find what they are truely looking for...... I know I have....... But I still have a ways to go...... Maybe Tuesday tafter dateline airs I will feel that true justice will have been served!!!!!!!
Sorry this has been so long. Just had to let it out!!!! Hope you all like it and anyone feel free to email me and talk about their own story. It is truely healing to let it all out!!!!
Never leave the ones you love...but..Never love the ones that left. ;)
dissedsis