Elders, apostasy and disfellowshipping issue's - thoughts please

by FeelingFree 36 Replies latest jw friends

  • FeelingFree

    Ok so... when I was talking to my MIL about why I no longer wanted to be a witness she kept trying to convience me that I needed to speak to the elders. I said from the word go I didn't feel the need to as my mind was already made up and no one could change it. I also said if the elders knew all my reasons for leaving they would view me as an apostate and I would get disfellowshipped. Her reaction to this was that I was very judgmental and of course they wouldn't think that at all! I however feel differently after having been shown some experience's by my husband of similar situations.

    I went to see my dad who has been "re-activated" the past few years after several years of just not going. I told him the same thing and he thought I was being silly and they would never do that.

    Lately the elders have been umm... "very caring" and we are being a bit love bombed by everyone. However still haven't spoken to anyone about what's actually going on and really have no plans too, as I said before nothing can change our minds now we know what we know. Which is something I think people fail to understand, it's like my brain has been totally rewired and I don't think I could go back even if I wanted to.

    Now the thing is an elder just happened to "pop" round yesterday (also he phoned in the week such love) anyway I just let my husband deal with it as I was the one who had to deal with the phone call. On both occasion's he spoke about coming round and doing a shepherding call (we only had one 3 months ago and pretended everything was fine). As it stands I see no reason to talk to them and we will decline their offer.

    However I in a sick way am interested in knowing what would happen if I did tell them exactly how I felt. Also if they did disfellowship me/us I wonder how that would affect my MIL and dad especially as they are adamant it wouldn't happen. Maybe it would show them that things aren't how they seem in the org or maybe it would just do nothing and they would just go along with it all and shun us (though I'm 99% sure my dad wont and I know that MIL was chatting with her friends disfellowshiped sons when she went to visit the family).

  • AlwaysBusy

    I am df'd and have been for 17 years. If you can help it, my advice is NOT to get yourself df'd.

  • Phizzy

    Your relatives are naively believing the propaganda that Elders are loving shepherds, there to suport and help you. That is the Theory, as you know, the Practice is different.

    One whiff of dissent from what the GB teach and you will both be DF'd quicker than you can say "Apostasy". Elders really are only looking to protect their own arses, so if they cannot reactivate you, the other way to be seen to have done their duty, and the easy route for them ,is to bring about your DFing.

    In the early days of leaving many of us are not too bothered if we are DA'd or DF'd, but there is no satisfactory way to undo that once done. It will be excused by your relatives once the deed is done "I suppose the Elders had no choice" etc and in no way will help them.

    You are in a far better position to help them if you can engineer a "fade", and are thus always free to talk and associate with them.

    Avoid meeting with the Elders if at all possible.

    You can D.A at any time in the future should you so wish, but you cannot undo it, so think carefully.

  • FeelingFree

    Thanks AlwaysBusy and phizzy, I have no plans too but if it comes to it (not my doing but others) I guess I dont get much choice in the matter! Sorry to be nosey but why do you recommend not getting df'd? Is it family reason's, not playing into their hands? I know it will cause a fair bit of grief for us but the rest of my family dont go and one of my husbands brothers doesn't either so we wont be totally alone so to speak.

    I have mentioned to one of my friends that we are no longer attending meetings and though she was very nice and lovely she immeadiatly said we couldn't have the same relationship we do now, so basically we cant be friends but she wont ignore me because I haven't acutally done anything to warrent that....yet! I'm not sure where that leave's us on the relationship scale really anyway! I was expecting it of course but thought it was quite brutal and to be honest if everyone is going to be like that I dont see what difference it would make to me if we did get df'd?

    How do you avoid elders? Just not answer the door if they come round or can you actually tell them you dont want to see them?

  • FeelingFree

    Also I would say we have been fading the past year or so, but last month during "the greatest preaching campaign ever" we put in a report of 0 hours. We haven't been on the min for months possibly a year, I cant even remember but used to just put down an hour each for study with our child. Meeting attandance has been crappy for about 2 years on my part not going for weeks at a time. We didn't go to the convention in August as we were genuinely ill but haven't been to a meeting since and no social occasions. I cant stomach going to another meeting, assembly ever again. My husband has even stopped football! But it's really only the last week they have all come on strong with us, seeing how we are etc. Not sure MIL may have mentioned things to them. Also told MIL we wont be at the assembly this coming weekend as she asked what we were doing.

  • Honesty

    As a former member of 'the Body' I can assure you that if you tell the elders all the reasons you can't return to the kingdom hall you will be labeled much more than 'spiritually weak' and more than likely will be DF'd for apostasy.

    If you want your MIL and dad to see just how loving the Watchtower's shepherds are then you should meet with them and spill your guts.

    It may wake your family up and they might leave the cult, and then again it may cause them to get closer to Geehover and shun you for the rest of your life.

    It's your call.

    Personally, I would ignore them.

  • lurkernomore

    The funny thing is that things have played out precisely in the same way as for many others on here. Everything from the love bombing to the saying that the GB are imperfect and we need to leave things in Jehovahs hands blah blah blah. As a group they are so predictable it's ridiculous.

    As 'head of the house 'lol, I decree that we shall not engage these self appointed shepturds on any of our issues.

  • prologos

    FF you said "-- people dont understand--" good. keep it that way. It is not your duty to make them understand. In other words, do not make waves, Perhaps the Elders will see the wisdom and just ignore you, because you do not disturb the peace in the congregation,

    Understand though, wt has stated at one time, that even THOUGHTS contrary to CURRENT WT teaching are a disfellowshipping 'OFFENCE'

  • Daniel1555

    I discussed with the elders during many hours why I believe the blood doctrine and shunning is wrong. I told them why I don't believe the bible is infallible (god ordering genocide and killings of children), that I doubt the fds is god's channel and that I would accept a blood transfusion for me and my son in a medical urgency.

    After a long time debating and probably asking the CO or the branch they decided that they don't df me but that I just can't talk to other brothers about it. In that case they would df me for apostacy.

    Now they leave me alone.

    Better not to talk to them.

  • Daniel1555

    Dear Feelingfree

    I made the experience that they don't df you if you believe something differently.

    They asked me in many different ways the loyalty question (do you believe the fds is gods channel). They said from my answer they see that I don't accept the fds as gids channel. However they clearly said that I can believe whatever I want to. The crucial thing for them is, if I talk to others in the congregation about it.

    If they ever want to make a shepherding call or talk to me in the back room I will tell them.

    Thank you very much for your concern but my relationship to my creator (or to Jehovah) is very precious to me AND VERY PERSONAL. So I will not discuss that with you. If ever I need your spiritual advice, I will let you know.

    I am happy that you and your hubby are both on the way out. I wish you good luck. Just be always kind to your family that are in and the elders. When the elders realize they have no power over you, they will leave you alone.

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