Failure

backformore

So tonight just sucks ad I just want to vent to people who don't know me IRL.

my wife and I have two kids. I was still in when we got together but my wife never was. When we actually got married I moved out of my parents place and never went back to a Kingdom Hall again. Sure, we were young but that was over 15 years ago and looking back, I'd still do it again in a heart beat. The problem is kids. When we first got married I didn't want any, at least not for a long time. Well, infrequent birth control and later switching from one type to another we had two kids. i didnt really want them at the time because of all my baggage but over time I came to really love being a dad but there were still a few problems though. The first of which was after my wife got her boy and girl she was happy to go along with my bright idea that she should get her tubes tied. The second is that when my kids were really little I was happy to work like crazy to pay the bills and let my wife worry about taking care of the babies. In hindsight, I feel like I really missed out on all the fun stuff that comes with having a little baby.

so, all that being said, we decided that it would be great to have another baby. In vitro was out because of all the hormonal stuff my wife would have to take and the fear of what that would do to her body since she had breast cancer a fears back. She could get her tubes untied but that costs a LOT of money and still has its own set of problems. As stupid as it sounds, I still had my own issues of having another kid with my DNA combined with the thought of all the kids out there that don't have a loving family made adoption seem really attractive to us. Hey, we had adopted a dog and she blended into our family just great so a kid would too right? We could bring someone into our family that doesn't have my DNA as well as provide a warm and loving home to someone who didn't have one. Sounds great! As it returns out there was a a young woman my wife worked with who was pregnant, very financially unstable, and the dad really wanted to give the baby up. She was actually looking into adoption already so we approached said and said we would like to adopt her baby. Things were looking really bright talking to her, our kids were excited about having a little sister, my wife and I were ecstatic at the thought, and baby momma liked the idea of someone she knew adopting her baby. As time went on she said she was really starting to feel attached to the baby though. We told her its fine if she kept it and we totally understood.

Last night we get a message that she is in labor. Today we find out she had her baby and will be keeping her. She did send a picture of the baby girl and she's adorable and absolutely beautiful. The only problem is she isn't ours. While we are happy for my wife's friend, it just sucks for us. This really sucks. It really really sucks And I have no idea where we go from here.

If my wife gets her tubes untied it will be at LEAST another year before we could have it done and have a baby and that is if everything goes just perfectly. We are already older than our parents were when they had us and we thought they were old to be parents as we were growing up. Thats the best case scenerio with getting her tubes untied. I don't know if I could take the stress and emotional drainage that goes with adoption again. Seriously, I grew up a JW and left in flames, I have been diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, celiac disease, and renal failure. My wife had breast cancer at 30. I did a midlife complete career change. All of that and adoption is by for the most stressful thing I've ever done. If we go the invitro rout my wife would have to take all kinds of hormonal drugs. She had cancer a few years ago and while the doctors are pretty sure they got rid of all of it, you can never be totally sure and the drugs she would have to take would act like a food festival for the type of cancer she had. However, we do nothing and I spend the rest of my life feeling like I have lost out on really caring for my own child. Also, my wife has really gotten baby fever the past few months too. I hate to deny her another child too. It's like we are just presented with a bunch of really bad options about something that should be so great and have to choose one.

This just sucks!

sparrowdown

I feel for you and your wife.

You have a hole in your heart only a baby can fill.

Take a deep breath and don't give up hope yet, you just never know.

NAVYTOWN

Wow, it sounds like you and your wife are going thru a lot of emotional turmoil over this issue. From what you say, getting your wife's tubes untied sounds like a pretty major step, given her pre-existing health concerns. I can understand how disappointed you both were with your wife's pregnant friend deciding to keep her baby. But, as painful as it was, nothing precludes you and your wife from adopting a baby the traditional way, thru an adoption agency. I myself was adopted as a baby from the Gladney Center in Fort Worth, Texas. There are various adoption agencies around the country that could match you with a baby who needs a loving home. Please think this over VERY thoroughly before making a final decision. Be sure to weigh the idea of adding a third child to your family, versus just staying with the two children you already have. Maybe having a few sessions with a therapist might be worthwhile to help sort out your feelings. Whatever path you ultimately choose, I wish you and your wife all the best.

Mum

I understand that there are a lot of children coming in to the U.S. from Central America, and many of them are probably eligible for adoption. Have you looked into this. Do you live in the U.S.? There are so many children needing homes that I hope you don't give up on adoption. Have you talked to a social worker in your area?

Aunt Fancy

I have no idea how old you are but it is not unusual for parents to have children in their late 30's and even 40's. I would not worry about that unless her doctors are concerned for health reasons.

I would not do the IVF with a history of breast cancer especially if she has the type that is hormone driven, her doctor should have told her if that is the case. Some breast cancer can be driven by up to three hormones and taking those drugs are like giving the cancer vitamins. My doctor told me to stay away from all hormones because of that, I even try to stay away from things that have bpa in them because they can act as hormones. Even though your wife is in remission and they got it all she still needs to be careful because there is always that percentage that it can come back.

Going the route you went through for adoption can bring heartache as you experienced, you can always go through a reputable adoption agency.

I would suggest you meet with your wife's doctors and discuss what would be safe and healthy for her body because of her history. There is also another thing you can look forward to and that is grandchildren! They will bring you so much joy when the time is right, again I am not sure how old your children are.

I hope you find the best solution for your family.

Black Sheep

Failure?

There are two of you. You have two kids. Is your idea of success contributing to the over-population of the planet your descendents will have to live in?

zeb

Step back the both of you.

take a deep breath.

Many women get baby fever as do dads. You are putting yourselves through an emotional mangle. You have the same feelings so many of us dads have that we missed out. yes i was a poor dad never there it seems.. its called earning a living.. and at the time of theose young years ever wrong according to the 'dragon' class sisters whose offspring were perfect. (Ask their neighbours for a different opinion). So life is a series of regrets with lovely bits thrown in.

I guess this has meant sleepless nights and that makes for worse scenarios. Ensure you get quality sleep together.

Please find a counsellor and go to them together to talk this out and in the mean time love the little ones you have and each other.

Big hug

zeb.

PS. Failure! you are not.

Listener

However, we do nothing and I spend the rest of my life feeling like I have lost out on really caring for my own child.

Having another child makes no difference in this regard but the children you already have are not adults yet and you still have the opportunity to show them now how much you care for them.

You are already a very fortunate couple to have two children of your very own, a boy and a girl.

I wish you all the best in whatever decision you both decide.

The Searcher

Is adoption a possibility for you? Think of the joy which all parties would have!

quellycatface

Breathe. Relax. Nothing bad is happening.

You should take some time out as a family. A little holiday, nothing expensive. Camping, fishing, build a bbq. Get to know each of your family again. Have a good chat, count your blessings.

Sometimes it's better not to fix what isn't broken anyway.

You have much more than many folks.

All the best.

Failure

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