should i marry and have a child with my partner

by stevepill 24 Replies latest social relationships

  • stevepill

    Hi, iv'e been a regular observer on this site for a while and would be very grateful for input from witnessess and non-witnessess.

    ti widll try keep it brief to avoid too much reading!


    soim orsed wih two children 14&10 who i see regularly.h

    she is gdivorsed twice, 1st witness & 2nd non-witness

    i have bheen in a relationship for 5 years with a non-active witness lady who still ssays she b ieves the 'truth' but only has attended meetings once a year for the memorial. we have a fantastic relationship and i have never known her to be fully attending meetings. she is getting to an age where she wants to have a child, im very concerned as she says she may go back one day to her faith, i would not want my child to be brought as a witness and have asked she not take them until they have a mind of their own maybe aged 14, she wont agree to this although she has said she does not want to bring them up as a witness.

    im concerned that because she still believes she will go back at some point and she would take our child, im not very positive about jw faith as in my opinion its very controliing and is extreme in its views, xmas,birthdays etc not celebrated and the blood issues but most of all i would not want my child to be taught about armageddon, it would just frighten them into being a witness as they would not want to die.

    i must add thought that she has said she would let me celebrate xmas and birthdays with them, although she would not want them to do halloween. also she is not sure about a school nativity as apparently its not accurate, but in my eyes its just a forst little acting role and a bit of fun to us non-religious folk!

    im just really worried that i dont feel as though i know how my life will plan out not knowing if she will go back

    i have been through enough with my previous marriage, just want be sure, she does not like talking about her faith and it worries me that she wont communicate when we are married and have achild and it would be harder at this point.

    id be very grateful for any help as im 38 & shes 35 its taken over our lives worrying about best step forward please help.

  • stevepill

    sorry about spelling mistakes on smart phone , touch screen playing up!

  • bohm

    Stevepill: I think you are in a very difficult situation. You need to make a choice, and any choice you make have risks (marry & she become a witness) or certain negative consequences (not marry and reject her).

    Firstly, In your situation, I think you should be most worried there is something you two cannot talk about (her religion). Having such a thing in a relationship is a legitimate concern no matter what it is and something you should try to discuss that with her. Does she understand why you are worried there is something so important to her that you are both unable to talk about? Would she consider talking about WHY she is unable to discuss the subject? if she is able to discuss the subject of religion, how would she like to discuss it? What if it was your religion that was closed-of territory?

    Secondly, I think you should work on yourself. Information is power and there are very good resources that offers insight into why some forms of religion can cause people to shut off and what to do. If you have been lurking I am certain you have seen the endless recommendations of Steven Hassans "Releasing the bonds", however I would sincerely like to suggest you read it before trying to actively convince her of anything, at least look it up on amazon.

    I wish you the best of luck.

  • LisaRose

    I would think twice. Parents often go back to the lie after they have children, as they become concerned that their child will die at Armageddon, and/or they want their child to be raised "in the truth", guilt takes over and they go running back to the kingdom hall. You will be opening up your life to all kind of hurt, and its not fair to being children into the world under these circumstances.

    You should be honest with her and tell her of your reservations. Is she against exploring the truth about the truth?

  • sowhatnow

    this is a discussion you need to have before you get any more involved.

    if this discussion becomes heated or uncomfortable, I do advise that you walk away.

    as hard as it may seem, all the concerns that you have are real, and this is what women call intuition.

    shes trying to trap you into a permanant relationship. dont think for a moment that she doesnt have it in the back of her mind tha tyou will follow her

    no matter where she goes. when she has a child, If any of her relatives[or close freinds] are witnesses you better believe she will go to the kingdom hall. Ive lived this expereince. thats where her support will come from.

    you have to be on the same page from the get go, so that you both are in agreement about raising children.

    tread carefully.

  • St George of England
    St George of England

    Hi stevepill

    I'm knocking on 70 and was raised as a JW. For the past 6 years I have known it is all twaddle but because of wife and family I just cannot walk away.

    You still have a choice and to get involved with JW's in any way whatsoever would be a bad move.

    My advice, and I have said this several times before on this site:-


    All the best


  • Crazyguy

    have her agree to an open discussions about the religion before you agree to a child. If she will not be willing to have open and frank discussions about the religion then you may have to ask her if she thinks its wise to raise a child in a cult. When she gets defensive then make the statement that cults are the only forms of religion where the followers are unwilling to have open and frank discusions about it.

  • EndofMysteries

    If she still believes it's the truth, then as soon as you have a child she'll go running back to the kingdomhall. If she leaves the JW religion and joins a church that allows freedom of thought, etc, then you'll be okay.

  • ABibleStudent

    Hi Steve, DON'T get married to your partner until you are convinced that she can critically think for herself!

    You can help your partner to critically think for herself either slowly or fast. Slower takes a lot of time and fast might end your relationship. Have you read information by cult-exit counselors like Steve Hassan's books (i.e., "Combatting Cult Mind Control", "Releasing the Bonds: Empowering People to Think for Themselves", and (his latest book) "Freedom of Mind: Helping Loved Ones Leave Controlling People, Cults and Beliefs"), visited his website at, and/or watched his FREE videos on his website?

    If you want to help your partner think for herself, have you tried doing the following:

    1. Ask your partner how the both of you would raise your children. Raising children in the WTBTS would limit their opportunities in life and might cause them emotional issues.
    2. Learn how to ask simple questions like Billy the Ex-Bethelite did in the thread exJW Psychology 102--How to Ask a Question When Questions Aren't Allowed. Also, ask simple questions to learn more about what a your partner's authentic persona loves to do.
    3. Learn how to overcome thought-stopping platitudes that JWs use, like why does she feel that the WTBTS has the "Truth". Does that mean that other religions are teaching falsehoods? What proof does she have that the WTBTS is teaching the "Truth"? Don't accept general answers. Ask for specific proof.
    4. Encourage your partner to independently research subjects she is interested in using the internet. Once she learns how to search the internet and feel comfortable doing it, she may start searching the internet about WTBTS topics.
    5. Encourage your partner to do fun, time-consuming, non-WTBTS activites/hobbies that she loves and where she can meet more non-JWs.

    Choose wisely!

    Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,


  • out4good3

    Anything you agree to with this woman, prior to her running back to the org, will be dismissed as holding her back from progressing in her faith WHEN she goes back.

    If you want to preview the destruction of the path you're taking and the toll it will take on you and your relationship, look up the posts of SD-7 and read......Read......READ.

    If I were you, I'd

    Run Like Hell

    and not even look back.

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