My DF'd father going in for cancer surgery

by PaintedToeNail 18 Replies latest jw friends

  • PaintedToeNail

    In January or February of this year, my father was DF'd for viewing pornography. He was diagnosed with a rare-ish lung cancer in August, it doesn't have good recovery odds. He had been struggling with a porn problem for awhile, asking the 'brothers' for help. The fact that I have two brothers guarantees my parents had sex three times. My mother is less than passionate or loving. My father tells me it has been over ten years since they were horizontal together. He has always been a very expressive person, hugged us kids & the old people in the KH, wanted to hold the new babies. Kids love him, he makes up really great stories to tell them, expanding the characters he made up for us kids on long car rides.

    Anyway, he was baptised in 1969. Gave all of his young years to the Borg. He has always been extremely generous to anyone in need in the congregation, always ferrying people back and forth to meetings, assemblies, conventions. Repairing plumbing for single sisters or disabled brothers or the elderly. Has put in more air conditioners for the KH attendees than an HVAC person. Money was freely given to those in need, never asking for it to be repaid, and he was by no means wealthy. When anyone needed anything, they called my Dad. He was also the one who did much of the exterior yard work at the KH for several decades (often by himself or with my mom), an old man on medical retirement, both knees were replaced twice and always in pain.

    In January, my mom turned in my Dad for the porn. It was somewhat my fault. She was annoyed that his computer seems to be constantly getting infected with viruses. I told her it is because he clicks on the porn sites, they are notorious for having viruses. (He takes a hypnotic drug for sleeping, a drug that has the side affect of people driving, eating, using the internet, having sex, calling people without them being aware of it. The porn was mainly viewed while he was under the influence of the drug. It inhibits the ability to say no to yourself and if you are feeling any urges, it causes you to act on them...he probably also viewed porn without being under the influence, since he had asked for help earlier.) His viewing porn doesn't bother me in the least, I know he's been living without love for years.

    He now faces lung surgery and the subsequent recovery alone. No one visits, no one calls. It is such a GOOD witness. Their religious Catholic neighbor just had brain cancer surgery. He came home from hospital while I was out for a visit. The day he came home, those WICKED people from his church came to visit, I watched several times as car-loads of people came to wish him well and pray for him. My father had no one.

    It struck me, that all the neighbors must be wondering what the hell is going on. Here is a man who was always zealous in his church, who needs the support of his friends at this critical time and NONE of them are there. They must realise that the JW's are a cold, callous bunch. It is a GOOD Witness indeed. I hope every time they see the JW's they remember what is being done to my father, a 40+ adherent to that 'faith'.

    My father is in a serious depression, facing his illness alone. My mother treats him with the proper contempt. I live 400 miles away, not in a good position to help. My little brother isn't very close either, but he started a facebook page for my dad and lots of complete strangers sent their positive thoughts his way. When he showed it to my father, he was very touched that strangers would wish him well. It irritated my mother, as it interferes with his shunning, having people express concern.

    My father isn't able to use the computer right now, sitting upright at the desk is causing him much pain, so he can't see the mesages WICKED worldly people are sending him to encourage him.

    If anyone here would like to send him a simple card by snail mail, please PM me. I will forward his address.

    Thank you.

  • QuestioningEverything

    PTN-sent you a PM.

  • skeeter1

    So sorry to hear about your father. I hope he is able to be comfortable. Does he have any bucket list items that you can reasonably do together?

  • ruderedhead

    I'm so sorry to hear about your father, Painted.

    Will your Mother give him the cards if they are sent? I hope you and your siblings are able to speak with him on the phone frequently, even if the conversations are brief. Will it be long before he can sit at the computer?

    I will say a prayer for him, and I hope your Mom is not being a mean as you suspect to him. If she is, perhaps you could point out examples of Jesus being kind in the Bible?

    Will be pm'ing you.

  • AnnOMaly

    I'm very sorry to hear of your dad's illness and situation. I hope a new support network can be found to help him through this (are there charitable groups associated with the hospital?). Perhaps your brother can print out some of the FB messages so he can read them without sitting up?

  • Separation of Powers
    Separation of Powers

    Good luck to your father....

  • PaintedToeNail

    ruderedhead-She would give him the cards, but would roll her eyes as she does it. My mom isn't what I would call mean necessarily, she is just who she is, a cold, stoic German woman. They are not culturally known for their warmth and affection. I told my parents 30 years ago that I wished they could divorce and be happy. My father with an expressive Latin blooded woman who adored him and my mother with a regimented German who lived up to her expectations. My mother is very frugal, intelligent, has beautiful flowers, keeps a clean house and used to be a good cook, she would never physically hurt anyone, it is just her very critical, hurtful words and lack of affection that hurt.

    skeeter1-he does have a bucket list. He would love to see Yellowstone again, do more traveling...but in his current state he cannot sit in one position for any amount of time. He was banned from driving by the Doctor several years ago, as he literally falls asleep in an instant. He has fallen asleep driving on many occasions, also in the midst of conversation or even while standing-only to fall and hurt himself. He would love to have his oldest son call to talk to him, but he is shunning the man who gave him life in accord with WTBTS rules. I have over the years tried to Bucket list before he was so ill. Took him on vacation to Hawaii, go to Niagara Falls, bring his grandchildren to see him whenever I can. I started asking them to move near to me, as I am unable to move near to them because of work. After 20 years of viewing houses with numerous realtors, I washed my hands of showing them anymore houses and bought one that I completely renovated for them last didn't work out for my mother, who has no tolerance for cigarette smoke due to an unusual eye condition, she has to get her eye peeled every few years by a surgeon to keep her vision. Smoke or dust is painful for her. The neighbors smoke like a chimney on their own patio, but the smoke came into the windows of the house I renovated when they were open. People from Germany need to have their windows open in the summer and also they NEED to plant flowers and putter in their own yards, which was impossible due to the close proximity of the smoking, yet very lovely, neighbors. It was winter when I bought the house, so I didn't realise the smoking issue. Now, Dad needs to stay near his doctors.

    Questioning-Thanks for the pm!

  • quellycatface

    Very sorry to hear about your Dad and his problems. He should have been given more help for his addiction. It's an illness, not a sin for god's sake.

    May you find the strength and courage to help him through the dark days.


    I pray that he will be well!

  • BU2B

    PTN, that is so heartbreaking, the horrible way a man like your father is being treated, a kind, caring person who acted like more like a real Christian than 99% of JWs I have met, suffering from a terminal illness who lived his whole life in service to the Borg, DF for viewing pornography? A victimless "crime" if ever I heard one. I have never heard of another case where anyone was actually DF for that! It shows that the JWs are indeed a merciless, heartless people to do that. How hard it must be for him to deal with the cruel treatment from your mother and his former friends. At least he has you and your little brother.. You guys are good to him and that makes me happy.

    Please PM me the address and I will try and send him a card. I do not pray anymore because I do not believe they go beyond my skull, but he does have my warmest thoughts, and feelings and concern. I am thinking of him and I want him to know that I care.

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