Kissing Hanks Ass

by Caliban 8 Replies latest social humour

  • Caliban
    Caliban

    I found this brilliant parody on the web. It's quite thought provoking if you think about it...
    This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple.

    The man spoke first: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

    Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."

    Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss his ass?"

    John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, he'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, he'll kick the shit out of you."

    Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

    John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do what ever he wants and what he wants is to give you a million dollars, but he can't until you kiss his ass."

    Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

    Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"

    Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

    John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."

    Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"

    Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."

    Me: "And has he given you a million dollars?"

    John: "Well no, you don't actually get the money until you leave town."

    Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

    Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and he kicks the shit out of you."

    Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"

    John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."

    Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

    John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

    Me: "So what makes you think he'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"

    Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise; maybe you'll win a small lotto; maybe you'll just find a twenty dollar bill on the street."

    Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"

    John: "Hank has certain connections."

    Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

    John: "But it's a million dollars! Can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass he'll kick the shit of you."

    Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to him, get the details straight from him..."

    Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

    Me: "Then how do you kiss his ass?"

    John: "Sometimes we just blow him a kiss, and think of his ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."

    Me: "Who's Karl?"

    Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

    Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss his ass, and that Hank would reward you?"

    John: "Oh no! Karl's got a letter Hank sent him years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."

    John handed me a photocopy of a handwritten memo on "From the desk of Karl" letterhead. There were eleven items listed:

    1.) Kiss Hank's ass and he'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
    2.) Use alcohol in moderation.
    3.) Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
    4.) Eat right.
    5.) Hank dictated this list himself.
    6.) The moon is made of green cheese.
    7.) Everything Hank says is right.
    8.) Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
    9.) Don't drink.
    10.) Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
    11.) Kiss Hank's ass or he'll kick the shit out of you.

    Me: "This would appear to be written on Karl's letterhead."

    Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

    Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."

    John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."

    Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

    Mary: "Not now, but years ago he would talk to some people."

    Me: "I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"

    Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

    Me: "How do you figure that?"

    Mary: "Item 7 says Everything Hanks says is right.' That's good enough for me!"

    Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."

    John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."

    Me: "But #9 says 'Don't Drink,' which doesn't quite go with #2. And #6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."

    John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2; 9 just clarifies 2. As to 6, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."

    Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."

    Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from outer space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

    Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon came from the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."

    John: "Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"

    Me: "We do?"

    Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says so."

    Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because he says he's right.'"

    John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."

    Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

    Mary blushes.

    John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."

    Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"

    John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

    Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"

    Mary looks positively stricken.

    John shouts: "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"

    Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"

    Mary (sticking her fingers in her ears): "I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."

    John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."

    Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."

    Mary faints.

    John (catching her): "Well, if I'd known you were one of those, I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you, I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater." With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.

  • Frenchy
    Frenchy

    Hmmmm...

  • Caliban
    Caliban

    Awe c'mon...it's funny...

  • Frenchy
    Frenchy

    It would be if it did not so closely parallel something else! I'm wiping my mouth as I type this!

  • waiting
    waiting

    What Parallel are you referring to? Hank, Karl, or the poor ol' plain weiner?

    Leaving the weiner out of the picture (I'm sure you males are cringing now), those poor people at the door don't make a lot of sense to someone not familiar with that kind of logic.

    For 30 years, I could see how they could come to the conclusions they had (except Mary's fingers in her ears).

    Your choice of wording could be improved, however.
    By our postings you can see that we're all ages, sexes, nationalities, and even different religious views. It was funny!!!

  • RedhorseWoman
    RedhorseWoman

    I've seen this before, and I loved it then. It is FUNNY!!

  • Evanescence
    Evanescence

    WTF!

    Never expected to see a joke like that from a true Jehovah's witness or am I mistaken

    And also to see other jws find it funny.

    That joke was rather off-putting ewww

    Evanescence

  • Shawn10538
    Shawn10538

    This is one of my all-time favorite parodies. To me, though it is not just funny, but it actually proves how ridiculous the Bible (and all rteligion) is, not just JWs. This story is exactly the way all Bible believers believe. They get a note "FROM THE DESK OF KARL" but they attribute it to HANK. Therein lies the contradiction. They have never seen nor heard from Hank; they have no evidence of his existence, and they base all their faith on KARL's credibility. Show me a Bible believer that doesn't make this same mistake, attributing to Hank what obviously came from KARL.

  • AWAKE&WATCHING
    AWAKE&WATCHING

    lovin' it

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