The Goshpel according to Mildew
Finally, a prophet rose up in Israel; his name was Jises. His ancestors were Abraham, Bebraham, Cebraham, Ebrehem, Ibrihim, and Obrohom, as well as Pisaac and Corncob and Ram and Rom and Salmon and Obedandbreakfast. And Hezbolljah became father to Manass, and Manass became father to Mormon; Mormon became father to Slowseph the husband of the woman of whom Jises was born.
After Jises had been born in the badlands of Judea in the days of Superherod the king, his mother switched on Astro TV, and look! astrologers from eastern parts came and said: “Call now! For we saw a star when we were in trance, and we made an energy star from cardboard and are offering it for only 30 pieces of silver!” Then Superherod secretly called the astrologers and carefully ascertained from them the time of the star’s appearing; and he had them arrested and put to jail. When Jises had grown older, he got drunk and was baptized, and he saw stars and also two doves descend upon him. Look! Also, there was a voice from his mother that said: “This is my son, the insane, who is still living with me.” Then Jises moved out of his mother’s house into his first own apartment. After he had fasted forty days and forty nights, then he felt hungry. Also, a salesman came and said to him: “If you are hungry, purchase my loaves of bread, even if they are as hard as stones.” But in reply he said: “I am jobless and don’t have any money.”
Walking alongside the sea of Galilee he saw two brothers, Simon who considered himself God’s deputy and Andrew his brother, letting down a fishing net into the sea, for they were fishers. And he said to them: “Give me a few fish, or I will pummel you!” At once abandoning the nets, they called the police. But he ran away and went around throughout the whole of Galilee, teaching at their fairs and taking every sort of gold coin and every sort of silver coin from the people. Then he went up into a mountain, and he opened his mouth and began teaching, saying: “Happy are those still having money that they can give to me. Happy are the unhappy. Happy are you when people rob you and take your money from you and lyingly say every sort of hogwash. You are the asphalt of the earth; you are the blight of the earth.”
“You heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye and tooth for tooth.’ However, I say to you: When you have toothache, go to the dentist. Take good care not to practice your righteousness in front of men in order to be observed by them. Hence when you go speaking about God, do not submit a field service report, just as the hypocrites do in the Kingdom Halls, that they may be praised by the elders. Also, when you preach, you must not be as Jehovah’s Witnesses; because they like to preach standing on the corners of the broad ways to be visible to men. Observe intently the birds of heaven, because they do not sow seed or reap or gather into storehouses; still your heavenly father allows them to steal food from you. Do likewise. Who of you by not stealing can add one cubit to his life span? Keep on driving away, then, that you may not be arrested. Why, then, do you look at the straw in your brother’s eye, but do not simply purchase a pack of straws at the supermarket? Do not give cat food to dogs, neither throw your cattle food before swine, that they may not die.”
“Be on the watch for the false prophets that come to you in suits and long skirts, but inside they are imbeciles. By their Watchtowers you will recognize them. Never do people blather like those with the Watchtower do. Really, then, by their witnessing bags you will recognize those men. Everyone that hears these sayings of mine and does them will be likened to a discreet man, who built his house upon the sand. And the rain poured down and the floods came and the winds blew and struck against that house and it caved in, and its collapse was great. And the man received a great amount of money from his insurance and built a bigger and more beautiful house.”
After he had come down from the mountain great crowds followed him. And, look! a rich man came up and began doing obeisance to him, saying: “Lord, if you just want to, you can make me poor.” And so, stretching out his hand, he touched him, saying: “I want to. Give me all your money.” And immediately his wealth was cleansed away. Then Jises said to him: “See that you tell no one, but go.” When he entered into the city, an army officer came to him, entreating him and saying: “Sir, my manservant is laid up in the house with paralysis, being terribly tormented since he has taken the medicine that you sold him.” He said to him: “I can’t help it; he should have read the package insert that lists all the side effects.”
When he got to the other side, there met him two butchers, unusually fierce. And, look! they screamed, saying: “What have we to do with you? Did you come here to tell the people that they should live vegetarian?” But not a long way off from them a herd of many swine was at pasture. Accordingly he said to them: “All men are swine, and they shall eat swine.” And, look! the swineherds rushed over the precipice into the sea and died in the waters. But the butchers took possession of the swine and slaughtered them all, and they promised to send Jises a big sausage parcel.
Next, while passing along from there, Jises caught sight of an officer named Cashew seated at the tax office, and he said to him: “What should I give to you so that you adjust my tax demand?” And they agreed on ten liters of old wine in new wineskins. And Jises set out on a tour of all the cities and villages, teaching at their fairs and collecting every sort of coin. On seeing the crowds he felt satisfaction, because they were wealthy like sheep without a wolf.
Then he said: “Yes, the income is great, but the tax investigators are few.” And Jises hired twelve employees and gave them these orders: “Do not go off to the educated and smart, and do not approach scientists; but, instead, go continually to the fools. All considered, of how much more stupidity is a man than a sheep! Cure healthy people, raise up sleeping persons, expel coins. You received free, give for a fee. Do not procure gold or silver or copper for your girdle purses, but give all earnings to me. Into whatever city or village you enter, search out who in it is rich, and go there first.”
Now a woman from the city approached him; she was a harlot. So he said: “Where are your coworkers? Come to me, all you, for I am toiling and loaded down, and you shall refresh me.” At seeing this the Pharmasees said to him: “Look! You are doing what it is not lawful to do on the Sabbath.” He said to them: “Have you not read what Samson did when he went to Gaza and saw a prostitute woman there, how he came in to her and kept lying till midnight?” Then as an answer to him some of the scribes and Pharmasees said: “Teacher, we want to see your prophesying license.” In reply he said to them: “Just as Jonah was in the belly of the huge fish three days and three nights, so the Son of man was at the administrative district office three days and three nights to submit an application for a prophesying license, but look! there were a number of other prophets. When an official comes out of his office, he passes through many places in search of a resting-place from the applicants, and finds none. Then he says, ‘I will go back to my office, but only in few hours.’ Then he returns, and on arriving he finds there seven more applicants, and the final circumstances of the other applicants become worse than they were before. That is how it was also with me.”
But when evening fell he opened his wallet to count his money, and he dropped the wallet. Some coins fell alongside the road, and the people came and picked them up. Others fell upon the rocky places where they did not stay, and at once they fell down the hillside. Others, too, fell among the thorns, where he was unable to gather them up. Still others fell upon his toe where they began to give him pain. So the employees came up and said to him: “Where is our pay for today?” He replied: “Whoever has, more will be given him and he will be made to abound; but as regards you, even what you have will be taken from you.”
Another illustration he set before the crowd, saying: “The kingdom of the heavens is like a cowpat, which a man took and threw upon his dunghill; which is, in fact, the most smelly of all the cattle products, but when it has composted it is the best of the fertilizers and becomes a grapevine, so that the farmer can got drunk from its wine.” Another illustration he spoke to them: “The kingdom of the heavens is like organic waste, which a woman took and hid in the trash can, until the garbage collection picked it up.” All these things Jises spoke to the crowds by illustrations, that there might be fulfilled what was spoken through the prophet who said: “Am I in need of people driven crazy, so that you have brought this one to behave crazy?”
Jises continued to teach: “The kingdom of the heavens is like a barrel of nuclear waste hidden in the field, which a power plant operator hid; and for the joy he has he goes and buys something beautiful from the saved money. Again the kingdom of the heavens is like a traveling burglar seeking fine houses. Upon finding one house with many items of high value, away he went and promptly sold all the things he had and bought burglar’s tools. Again the kingdom of the heavens is like the toxic waste that was dropped into the sea, killing fish of every kind.”
Now when Jises had finished these illustrations he went across country from there. And after coming into his home territory he began to teach the same guff there, so that they were astounded and said: “Where did this man get this baloney and this nonsense? Is this not the carpenter’s son? Had he not been normal as a child?” So he went somewhere else. Now when he came forth he saw a great crowd of ignorant peasants; and he taught them. But when evening fell his employees came to him and said: “The hour is already far advanced; send the crowds away, but ask them for money before. Two men already told us: ‘We cannot give you money; we have nothing here but five loaves and two fishes.’” He said: “Bring them here to me.” Next he commanded the men to recline on the grass and took the five loaves and two fishes, clenched his fists, and, after breaking the men’s legs, he left them there and went away. Then, without delay, he compelled his disciples to board the boat.
Then there came to Jises from Brooklyn elders and circuit overseers, saying: “Why is it your employees overstep the tradition of the Watchtowers of former times? For example, they do not wear a tie.” In reply he said to them: “Why is it you also overstep the commandment of God because of your tradition? For example, God commanded to look after orphans and widows in their tribulation. But you say, ‘Whoever pioneers does not have time to care for orphans and widows at all.’ And so you have made the word of God invalid because of your tradition. You hypocrites, Daniel aptly prophesied about you, when he said, ‘Their heart will be inclined to doing what is bad, and at one table a lie is what they will keep speaking. But nothing will succeed.’”
Then his employees came up and said to him: “Do you know that the some prominent sages went into a DIY market, took a big hammer, and said that they would crush you with it?” In reply he said: “Let them be. Blind sages is what they are. If, then, a blind sage falls into a blind rage, he will hurt himself with the hammer. Are you not aware that everything coming from the supermarket passes along into the intestines and is discharged into the sewer? However, the things coming from the DIY market put a man at risk. For example, out of the DIY market come chainsaws, hammers, barbed wire fences, inferior ladders, and Chinese power tools. These are the things endangering a man.”
Leaving there, Jises now withdrew into the parts of Byre and Sinon. And, look! a woman from those regions came out and cried aloud, saying: “Have mercy on me. My daughter listens to demonic music.” But he did not say a word in answer to her. When the woman came she began doing obeisance to him, saying: “Lord, help me!” In answer he said: “It is not right to take their music of the children and throw down old tootling to them.”
Crossing country from there, Jises next came near the sea of Pharisee, and, after going up into the mountain, he began teaching. Then all people ran off; only lame, maimed, blind, and dumb remained. And the dumb felt amazement as they saw the lame seeing and the blind walking, and they glorified God. But Jises called his employees to him and said: “That crowd is a pain in the neck, because it is already three days that they have stayed with me and I have not eaten anything.” Finally his employees said to the people: “Up there on that other mountain, bread and fishes are on special offer today!” And while the blind and the dumb discussed how they would bring the lame and the maimed up the other mountain, Jises and his employees left secretly.
Six days later Jises took his employees Trumpeter and Jams and Jupon his brother along and brought them up into a lofty mountain by themselves. And he told them: “I will be transfigured now, and Moses and Elijah will appear and converse with me.” Responsively Trumpeter said to Jises: “Lord, I read in the Watchtower magazine that it is forbidden to talk with the dead.” But Jises said to Jams and Jupon: “This is my marketing assistant, the wacky; do not listen to him.” And as they were descending from the mountain, Jises commanded them, saying: “Tell this to no one.”
And when they came toward the crowd, a man approached him, kneeling down to him and saying: “Lord, have mercy on my son, because he is an epileptic and is ill, for he falls often into the fire and often into the water.” In reply Jises said: “Why don’t you lock him into his room where there is no fire and no water?” Then another man came and said: “I had ordered a hundred sheep from Primus Amazonus in Bethlehem, but the delivery contained only ninety-nine sheep. What should I do?” Jises replied: “If a certain man comes to order a hundred sheep and only ninety-nine are delivered, will he not leave the ninety-nine upon the mountains and set out on a search for the one that is missing?” And the man did according to Jises’ word and went to Bethlehem to claim the missing sheep. Twenty days later he returned with the hundredth sheep and found his ninety-nine other sheep famished and mauled by wolves.
“Moreover, if an eBay seller fails to deliver correctly, go lay bare his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your ordered item. But if he does not listen, complain to customer service. If he does not listen even to customer service, let him be to you just as a man of the Tea Party and as an investment banker.” Then Trumpeter came up and said to him: “Lord, how many times is a seller to cheat me and am I to forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jises said to him: “I say to you, not, up to seven times, but, not at all!”
And shoe salesmen came up to him, intent on promoting there stores and saying: “Is it lawful for a woman to buy shoes on every sort of ground?” In reply he said: “Did you not read that he who created her from the beginning gave her two feet and said, ‘For this reason a woman will neglect her husband and her children and will go the shoe store, and she and her shoes will be one’? Therefore, what God has yoked together let no man put apart. I say to you that whoever forbids his wife to buy shoes commits adultery.” His employees said to him: “If such is the situation of a woman with her shoe store, it is not advisable to marry.”
Now, look! a certain one came up to him and said: “Teacher, what good must I do in order to get everlasting life?” He said to him: “You know what the Watchtower says. You must have an active share in the field ministry, you must attend all congregation meetings, and, you must carefully follow all instructions of the ‘faithful and discreet slave.’” The young man said to him: “I have kept all these; what yet am I lacking?” Jises said to him: “Cease doing it, leave Jehovah’s Witnesses, and you will be free.” And Jises said to his employees: “Truly I say to you that it will be a difficult thing for a Jehovah’s Witness to get into the kingdom of the heavens. Again I say to you , It is easier for a camel to get through a needle’s eye than for a Jehovah’s Witness to get into the kingdom of God.” When his employees heard that, they expressed very great surprise, saying: “Who really can be saved?” Looking them in the face, Jises said to them: “With men this is possible, but with God all things are impossible.”
Then Trumpeter said to him in reply: “Look! We have left all things and followed you; what actually will there be for us?” Jises said to them: “Truly I say to you, In the trial, when the Son of man will be convicted for fraud, you will also yourselves sit upon twelve chairs, being sentenced for abetment of fraud. And everyone that has lost houses or lands or money for the sake of my name will rise up against us and will sue us for compensation.” At once packing their bags, they left him. But many that are thirsty will be hungry and the hungry thirsty.
For the kingdom of the heavens is like a man, a householder, who went out early in the morning to hire workers for his vineyard. When he had agreed with the workers for a denarius a day, he sent them forth into his vineyard. When it became evening, the master of the vineyard said to his man in charge, ‘Dismiss the workers and pay them not a penny.’ The workers then began to murmur against the householder and said, ‘You had promised us a denarius!’ But in reply to one of them he said, “I will now call my guards to bring you outside. If you want, come back tomorrow to work for me. Maybe I will pay you then.”
And, look! two blind men sitting beside the road, when they heard that Jises was passing by, cried out, saying: “Lord, have mercy on us!” And they said to him: “Lord, let our eyes be opened.” Moved with greed, Jises told them: “First let your wallets be opened, and give me all your money, and you will receive sight tomorrow.” And Jises hurried to move on, and at the evening he entered into the temple. There he met a temple prostitute, and he told her to make a whip of ropes and drive him out of the temple. On the way out he accidentally overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves, and the dove cages broke apart, and the doves flew out and defiled the Most Holy. The thief priests and the bribes also came and walked him out. In reply he said to them: “Truly I say to you that the tax collectors and the harlots are going ahead of you into the kingdom of God.”
While moving along early in the morning, he got hungry. And he caught sight of a Jehovah’s Witness by the road and went to him, telling him: “I am hungry, give me something to eat.” But the Jehovah’s Witness said to him: “I will give you spiritual food which is by far more valuable than physical food.” Then Jises got angry and said: “I became hungry and you gave me something to read; I got thirsty and you gave me something to read. I was a stranger and you gave me something to read. I fell sick and you gave me a Watchtower. Truly I say to you, you are good-for-nothing slaves. One day you will be lifted up and cast into the sea.”
Jises again spoke to them with illustrations, saying: “The kingdom of the heavens has become like a man, a king, that made a marriage feast for his son. And he hired a cheap party caterer and called those invited to the marriage feast. But after a while some felt queasy, others vomited; but the rest collapsed unconscious. And the king grew wrathful, and he destroyed the cooks by forcing them to eat from their own food. Then he said to his slaves, ‘The marriage feast indeed is ready, but all those invited are in hospital with food poisoning. Therefore go to the roads leading out of the city, and any Jehovah’s Witnesses, any investment bankers, and any impostors you find invite to the marriage feast.’ When the king came in to inspect the guests he caught sight there of a man pursuing a honest trade. So he said to him, ‘Go home quickly if you love your life.’ And immediately he left and went out into the darkness outside.“
On that day Sadocees, who say there is no resurrection, came up to him and asked him: “There were two brothers with us; and the first married and deceased, and, not having offspring, he left his wife for his brother. Eventually a prophet raised up the first brother from the dead, and he reclaimed his wife. So he slayed his brother, but later that was raised up, too. Consequently, they agreed on sharing the woman. Is this not against the law?” In reply Jises said to them: “You are mistaken, for in the resurrection neither do men marry nor are women given in marriage, but everyone lives with whoever he wants. Have you ever read that God would be married? He is the God, not of the married, but of the singles.”
Then Jises spoke to the crowds, saying: “The members of the Governing Body of Jehovah’s Witnesses have seated themselves in the seat of God. Therefore all the things they tell you, ignore, and do not do according to their deeds, for they say one thing today and another tomorrow. They bind up heavy witnessing bags and put them upon the shoulders of publishers, but they themselves are not willing to budge them with their finger. All the works they do they do to be viewed by men; for they broaden the scripture-containing Watchtowers that they carry in field service, and enlarge the length of their skirts. Woe to you, elders and ministerial servants, because you traverse sea and dry land to make one baptismal candidate, and when he becomes one you make him a subject for the Kingdom Hall twice as much so as yourselves.”
“Woe to you, blind guides, who say, ‘If anyone abuses children, he can be forgiven; but if anyone doubts the Watchtower teachings, he must be disfellowshipped.’ Fools and blind ones! Also, ‘If anyone neglects his family because of witnessing, it is good; but if anyone does not submit a field service report slip, he is weak in faith.’ Blind ones! Woe to you, pioneers and auxiliary pioneers, hypocrites! because you precisely count the hours and the minutes, but you have disregarded the weightier matters, namely, love and reason. Woe to you, circuit overseers and district overseers, hypocrites! because you judge the congregations only by their field service report, but ignore Christian qualities. In that way you also, outwardly indeed, appear righteous to men, but inside you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness. Woe to you, elders and circuit overseers, hypocrites! because you force the publishers to believe in the current teachings; but in the past you have disfellowshipped those who had believed in those teachings from the congregation. Serpents, offspring of vipers, how are you to flee from the judgment of Gehenna? Look! Your Bethel is abandoned to you. Truly I say to you, by no means will in Warwick a stone be left upon a stone and not be thrown down.”
And Jises proceeded to say: “Nation will rise against nation and kingdom against kingdom, and there will be competitions and victory ceremonies in one place after another. All these things are called Olympic Games. And whoever is not interested in sports will be an object of hatred by all the nations. Then, also, many will be stumbled and will switch off the TV; and because of the increasing of heating costs the homes of the greater number will cool off. Therefore, when you catch sight of the adulterated olive oil that causes nausea, as spoken of through Berlusconi the prophet, standing on the supermarket shelf, (let the cook use discernment,) then let those who can afford it buy somewhere else.”
“Just as the days of Noah were, so the presence of the Son of man will be. For as Noah did not exist and the account of the flood is only a legend, so there will not be a future destruction. Then two men will be in the field, and two women will live with one man, but none of them will be destroyed by God.”
“Then the kingdom of the heavens will become like ten alcoholics that took their beer bottles and went out to the pub. Five of them were foolish, and five were extremely foolish. For the extremely foolish took their bottles but took no bottle opener with them, whereas the foolish took bottle openers with their bottles. While the pub was still closed, they all became thirsty. The extremely foolish said to the foolish, ‘Give us some of your bottle openers, because we are thirsty.’ The foolish answered with the words, ‘No, buy some for yourselves.’ While they were going off to buy, the pub opened, and there was free beer for everyone.”
And he established two contribution boxes and began observing how the rich were dropping money into them. Now he saw that a poor widow came and dropped in two small coins, which have very little value. So he said to her: “Are you not appreciating my work? Truly I say to you, It will be more endurable for the land of Sodom and Gomorrah on Judgment Day than for you! The days will come in which not a stone upon a stone will be left in your house and not be thrown down.” Then he went on to say to them: “Apple will rise against pear, and Samsung against LG; and there will be great pancakes, and in one place after another bargains and budget prices; and there will be inferior electronic devices and from discount stores great mispurchases.”
“Furthermore, when you see the Walmart entrance surrounded by encamped housewives, then know that the shop opening has drawn near. Then let those living nearby begin giving it a wide berth, and let those accidentally coming round there drive away quickly. Woe to the pregnant women and the ones suckling a baby in those hours! Also, there will be sun- and moon-shaped cookies and cinnamon stars, and on the earth anguish of the people who do not yet have all gifts, not knowing the way out because of the nearing Christmas festival, while men become faint out of fear and expectation of their relatives coming for a visit during the holidays.”
Now the festival of the fluid cakes, the so-called Oktoberfest, was getting near. Around that time, Jises received visitors from trade control, and he said to them: “You see that I do not carry a purse, nor a food pouch, nor sandals. Don’t you believe me?” And in reply they said, “No.” Then he drew his sword, but the trade control officers detained him and called the police, that there might be fulfilled what is written, namely, “And he was reckoned with lawless ones.” And Jises was sentenced to life imprisonment for tax evasion in concomitance with organized fraud and prophesying without prophesying license.