After the elders deleted my husband as an elder because I was not in subjection enough because I would not take pedophiles door to door in my car I totally lost it. All those's years of pain I went through and that was what it came down to, they just threw me away because I finally stood up to them.
So I insisted that we go to marriage counseling and we took the Meyers Briggs personality evaluation, I had never heard of it before. All those years I was accused of not not having a good heart because door to door work stressed me out so much. All those years I was told I did not care about the people at the doors, etc and I felt like such scum. It all boiled down to when people yell at me and get in my face I just shut down which makes those kinds of people get more in my face which just leads to a horrible circle of stupidity.
I was not bad or stupid nor was it that I did not care about people. I opened our home and had the whole congregation of 90 people into our 880 SF home twice. I fed the whole book study of 20 plus every 6 weeks. We took the mentally ill door to door when none of the other elders would do it. I have worked with fellow JW's that are hearing voices in their heads and shaking and smelling so horrible that I gagged, door to door. It was very, very hard but I did it. I did everything that was asked of me and felt like scum because more and more was demanded of me.
I just could not take men who had raped children door to door. Everything fell apart after that, all those years I lived without my husband while he was out holding the hands of others who apparently needed him more than I did, With all of our money going into car gas for the door to door work. With running on the JW treadmill and it all came down to the fact that I was not in subjection enough.
That was when I insisted we get help. That test opened my eyes and I think my husband's also. I am just not the type of person who can be around loud, opined, angry people. I just shut down. I cannot think. I just cannot process what to say and so in the eyes of the opinionated ones I looked like a stupid fool.
I wish I had known of that test so many years ago, because I believed that I was a stupid fool. That is what I love about this sight I can finally say what was hurting so much. I was always told to keep my blinders on and not to think about what was happening to me. At some point it just all crashes in on you the blinders just come off no matter how hard you try to keep them on.
I know that even on this sight that people can be really mean also but at least it is someone behind a computer screen that you do not know not someone sitting next to you in a car group that you have to be with for two to ten hours trying to get your time in. It still hurts even on this sight. One elder who was really hateful to me when my husband was still an elder told me with disgust in his voice that I ware my feelings on my sleeve, that I care too much.
It is just who I am, I have tried all my life to not be that person not to get my feelings hurt. I just am not able to do it no matter how hard I try, I really wish I could not care but I just do.
I wonder how nerdy Liz would handle what I have been through putting Jehovah first while her husband was gone all the time being there for the congregation while she sits in the car waiting for him after the meetings or the missed anniversary's, or the promises of time together that never happen because someone always needs her husband more. It was not the rosy picture that the video pointed out.