Advice on fading needed

by wallievase 24 Replies latest jw friends

  • wallievase

    These 2 options are before me right now-

    1. Write a letter to the elders and my family, not DA myself but basically saying i have too much going on in my life and am confused, so that they will stop bothering my wife and stop asking me questions all the time. After i write the letter continue to go to the hall less and less...

    2. Appease my wife. Go to the hall each meeting even though i dont believe, go in service 5 hours a month so overall wife wont be embarassed and questioned all the time and so they will leave me alone also.

    Contributing factors- Wife and her family, all born in JW's, all "uber-in". My family 70s influx witnesses. Dad and brother are elders. Always questioning.

    So far i have only been missing about 2-3 meetings a month and last month was first month i didnt report service time. Wife has been really upset by everyone asking about me and her family is really pressuring her and mine has been as well. My mother would be very disappointed.

    Any advice/experience would be appreciated. Thank You

  • Mum

    You have to do what's right for YOU! If you have to pretend to be ill, do that. You could start seeing a mental health professional and tell the elders you have mental health issues "right now" and can't attend meetings because you can't focus or comprehend what they're saying. You have a wife, and she should be considered, but not to the point of forcing yourself to live an inauthentic life. Only you know what is right for yourself. I would hate to see you write that letter, whcih would be playing by their rules and not your own. I hope you don't have children.

    Best wishes for a hasty and happy exit!

  • Princess Ashe
    Princess Ashe

    have you tried confronting your wife? Would you have a support group/friends if you did leave? Personally I would rather fade away then write a letter. When they read that letter its like huge mark of shame on you in the eyes of everyone. Like you premediated to leave. Just fading leaves thin guessing. That maybe you just became overwhelmed. But there is still that possibility you might come back. My husband stopped going and the comments of "we are so proud of you for staying strong and coming on your own" really irritated me more and I just ended up leaving as well

  • wallievase

    I have confronted her and told her i how i currently feel and its still ripping our marriage apart. I do have support outside of the hall, just not from family.

  • Princess Ashe
    Princess Ashe

    every family will handle things differently when it comes to some one leaving. I thought my mom would stop talking to me after I faded but she still does, well it took awhile but she came around. I remember over hearing at a witness gathering about another family and one witness said "oh yeah we displayed strong will power and did not talk to one of their family members at all and we were able to welcome him back because of our actions he came back to the meetings"

  • bafh

    Maybe you need to fade slower. I wouldn't suggest writing a letter. I would go with the line that you are depressed, not feeling well, or some other generalized "illness" - fake your service time if you have to. If you can't do that - maybe start working more. If people want to know what is going on - give your wife something to say "he's sick", "he's working" or "you'll have to ask him.

  • jws

    I would personally avoid putting anything in print. Once it's in print, it can be read, re-read, and recalled more easily.

    Tough situation though with a wife. Sounds like she's not ready to play along with you and she may be more on their side than yours. So it's harder to make up things like a single person would. They can tell the elders they're sick and who's the wiser? Your wife presumably would know though.

    You can tell the elders you're depressed, but if you're bright and cheery at home, the wife isn't going to buy it and may even tell the elders. Same for any condition. Unless you're prepared to act it out while you're at home with your wife too.

    I don't know. The only thing I see is to play along somewhat. But that sucks to have to do it.

    One thing to do might be to keep up appearances. Go to the meetings, go out door-knocking. And slowly see if your wife will come around to your way of thinking. If you're going through the motions, she won't be suspicious when you talk to her. If she gets on board to leave, you're in a lot better situation. Because now you can work together and make up any BS you want and back each other up.

  • naazira

    Yes, the mental illness card is the best. If you can get a diagnosis from a professional even better. My congregation fears the word schizophrenia and the elders leave you alone if you mention depression. You will get a lot of time to yourself to do fun things. The elders will give you articles and send you on your way. Option 1 could lead to a judicial committee because you said youre confused and option 2-Just isn't healthy, because you're going to snap. If you use the depression card you can guilt trip your wife for pressuring you. You just have to make your wife believe you're depressed, for example you could say- I'm done with this life and leave the house for a few hours to go have a bite to eat or go to the cinema. She will think you're depressed and have given up on life. When actually you were referring to your jw life hehe. This is the only way I see you being able to walk freely between both worlds.

    Best wishes

  • Crazyguy

    You're never going to get your family out if you fade slow. I suggest you start bring up comments or questions that throw a wrench into the JW teaching. Example, next time you hear them say something about jesus ruling since 1914 bring up Rev 1:5 and ask why does the bible say otherwise? say this stuff to your wife and also show their contradictions to her in the publications. Try to get her to wake up this way then go less and less. If she doesn't get a clue then just stop going.

  • PaulaCaptiva

    I have a couple of cousins who simply moved out of the district and faded. No big drama. 20 years later they are still welcomed at all JW family functions.

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