Advice Needed

by HeyThere 28 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

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  nonjwspouse

  I can only give my experience. After these past years of very bad experiences with my unbaptised, but raised as a JW husband feeling he was "called' to be active again, I am unable to pretend to support any of it. My limit is to fight to remain quiet about the JW when his cult personality begins to appear. I do agree with the question approach and do my very best not to have conversation, but to just ask the questions. However, no talk of the sort has happened in many, many months. The closest we get is when I voice opinons about other religion/politics actions etc... that parralel, but not bring JW into it.

  He is not studying anymore, not attending, not going to conventions, but he is mentally still in. This is very very difficult. It causes him grief. Yet, if he were to be attending his mental mindset is so strong with the cult that he would almost positivly be sucked in to baptisim. There is a chance his also inactive for 30+ years but returned with both feet, brother is going to be baptised this weekend. We shall see.

  Curiously, after a conversation we had about his very in JW cousin whose daughter is in her late 20s, homeschooled in a very lazy, irresponsible way ( she is not stupid just had no real opportunity to learn) still lives at home. The daughter several years back was working in a daycare then went to a CC to get a certificate or AS or something in early childhood development. I was thrilled to hear that. Yet now she has no job. She went to central america last year to special pioneer ( got sick in the infested areas of course) and is now home again, no job, nada. Her mother mentioned to another cousin she is trying to pay her to move out. huh? So she fails to properly educate, fails to instill a job" take care of yourself" work ethic, and now complains when her adult child ( the other one did too until nearly 30, another story that may ultimatly turn out bad) lives at home with no job, no ambition, no future plans?? That is what she TAUGHT them! I voiced my disgust at the mother's attitude, and the daughter's lack of reality and personal responsibilty to my husband and he seemed genuinly perplexed at his cousin and the situation. Hmm, reality slap of the WT teaching again and he has walled it off to the point he can't understand it. sigh....
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  bigmac

  hey there

  another serious issue to consider is--issue.

  suppose you decide to have your own family ( assuming you dont already ). would you want your kids brought up as little JW's ? have you any idea what life will be like for you---and them ?
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  Billy the Ex-Bethelite

  "I want to withdraw my status as an unbaptized publisher but not be labeled an apostate."

  It's hard to say exactly how any one congregation or the random publishers will react. The cult teachs that shunning is a "loving arrangement." So you can't expect them to react in rational ways.

  My primary suggestion is to maintain healthy nonJW relationships. The JWs will try to isolate and control you. Be prepared to tell them "no".

  As far as any doubts, you can try to deflect. "While trying to preach to my [sister, mom, friend, etc.], they posed this question. I was surprised and didn't know how to respond. I assured them that I would ask you and you would have an answer that I could bring back." It makes you a neutral intermediary, and that you're getting these questions by doing what JWs are supposed to do... shoving their religion down other people's throats.
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  Oubliette

  HeyThere: I just don't want to cause problems for my husband.

  Too late!

  Not to be too cynical, but this is what happens when an inactive (or active JW for that matter) dates and marries an "unbeliever."

  Frankly, I'm glad my wife was never a JW. Now I can "blame" all sorts of stuff on her.

  For example, I was recently talking with an elder and he asked me how my wife felt about "the meetings."

  I was able to slam lots of JW "theology" by blaming her. (This is a tactic I learned from Billy the ex-Bethelite*).

  I explained that she thought shunning was wrong. It really bothered her to go to meetings with me when I was DF'd and have people come up to her all "lovey-dovey" and completely ignore me standing 2 feet away.

  I also said that she had a problem with many of the recent doctrinal changes. I told the elder, "She asked me, 'If these new changes are right, then what were the old ones?' I didn't know how to answer her!"

  Neither did the elder.

  Last year we had a Christmas tree. I get to blame my "pagan" wife. It's all good.

  - - - - - - - - - - - - -

  * exJW Psychology 102--How to Ask a Question When Questions Aren't Allowed
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  ABibleStudent

  Hi HeyThere, DITTO what Black Sheep, jgnat, and Oubliette wrote.

  My additional suggestions would be to:

  1. Learn how to overcome thought-stopping platitudes that your husband uses. To learn more about thought-stopping platitudes read Steve Hassan's books (i.e., "Combatting Cult Mind Control", "Releasing the Bonds: Empowering People to Think for Themselves", and (his latest book) "Freedom of Mind: Helping Loved Ones Leave Controlling People, Cults and Beleifs"), visit his website www.freedomofmind.com, and watching his FREE videos like Strategic Interactive Approach explained 2003 (1:23:23) on his website. It is more important to ask a question and wait for your husband to respond before asking another question. You should lean to recognize when your husband feels a lot of cognitive dissonance about answering a question.
  2. Plan fun activities/time consuming hobbies that your husband loves and will help him to meet more non-JWs. The less time your husband spends around JWs the less BITE control reinforcement that JWs can say to him.
  3. When you ask questions of your husband, phrase them so that he must do his own independent research and how Billy the Ex-Bethelite did in exJW Psychology 102--How to Ask a Question When Questions Aren't Allowed. Example: "If you are a "True Christian" and follow the teachings and example of Jesus Christ, how would you justify shunning (or not associating with non-JWs) using examples of Jesus Christ in the Bible to a non-JW who I know as a "loving arrangement"? There are numerous examples in the Bible of Jesus eating/drinking with non-Jews, tax collectors, prostitutes, etc or why didn't Jesus Christ instruct his disciples to shun disciples that left him in John 6:60-70?
  4. If you work or want to be more financially secure, have you thought about getting more education/training? It helps to be too busy to attend meetings by doing something else that will increase your family's financial security.

  Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,

  Robert
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  Crazyguy

  Don't stop your not baptized and are studing, you are in the perfect place to push all thier buttons. Ask questions, exposed them, keep on asking your husband stuff about the things you have found. Thiers nothing they can do and maybe by this you can get your husband out. Just fading or stoping allows them to keep thier hold on your husband and any future you have with him. Living a life with a drone that is focused on something that will never happen rather then being focused on you and the moment and your love is no way to live. I don't know how old you are and if you have kids with this man but that is no way to live.
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  HeyThere

  Thank you for all of the advice. I am still absorbing it all and trying to determine my course of action. I will respond more soon to answer some questions...
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  opusdei1972

  I was disfellowshipped, because I had a wordly girlfriend, though I was a single man. Then, we (my girlfriend and I) had to separate us because I went back to my native country to finish my studies in the university. Then I knew a wordly woman, and I married her. Immediately after, I had to go to other country with my wife to begin my postgraduate studies. Then I felt that I should return to the organization to save my family of Armaggedon. I believed that the Watchtower had the Truth, although I was shocked when, in the past, I had to face a judiciary meeting with the elders when I confessed that I had a wordly girlfriend. .......I remember that they asked me about all the details of what I did in bed, though I did not want to tell them, they insisted with vehemence about every step of what I did........Then I was disfellowshipped because I decided not to leave her.....I remember that the elders told me that I took the same path of Adam, so we lost the paradise.

  Well, being married, I returned to the organization after one year attending the meetings in a foreing country with my wife. My wife was convinced that the Organization had the Truth, but she was not so convinced of the blood ban. Then we had a babie, and she said that she would not know if she could leave our son to die for the blood ban. This is why she did not want to be baptized, because she was not sure if she could be ready to be loyal to "Jehovah" in that issue.

  We always went regularly to the meetings with my son, but I was the only baptized one. Six years after, we (my wife and I) had a discussion about the blood ban, because I insisted that we must be loyal to Jehovah and she should decide soon to be baptized. Then, some time later, I became disappointed about the fanatic talks against higher education given by an elder of my congregation. Then I started to understand that there was something wrong and serious about the psycological treatment given by the leadership. My wife had noticed that, but in that time she was receiving a bible study with a sister.

  Suddenly I told to my wife that It would be important to do a personal research about the blood ban and the history of the Society's policies. She agreed. Well, this is why I began to do a research of the Watchtower claims, though I was a Watchtower Apologist in the past. However, my eyes were opened and my wife and I understood that the Governing Body are a gang of liars.

  Now, I and my family no longer support the Society nor we attend any of the meetings. Now my wife can celebrate christmas, her birthday, and we are happy to be free. I give thanks to God that my son of 8 years old have forget the Society, and he has his wordly friends as any normal boy. We believe that there is God, but we don't want to attend any church, but to leave in freedom with independent thinking.

  Of course, I left the Society because we did a personal research about the Society's claims, but other would be the story if we would not have that independent thinking.
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  MissFit

  Hi Hey There. Just popped in to see how you were doing. The only advice I have is to be true to yourself.

  My son had a workshop about dealing with peer pressure.

  Some of the advice they gave: if someone wants you to do something ,

  First assess : what are the dangers? Do you feel comfortable doing that activity? Will it cause trouble for you or others?

  2nd respond: if the activity makes you uncomfortable suggest an alternate activity .

  Example: sorry I have other plans, or let's do this instead.

  3. Walk away but leave the door open... talk to you later ect.

  The point was for the kids to be able to have a response ready and not be confrontational. Just let them know its not right for you.