Super boy you say " posting this in a pub......"
Thats my point it aint such a bad thing but if you raise your kid as a J.W and his in a pub....
a sense of responsibility
by Ruby456 25 Replies latest social family
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Ruby456
reopened mind
To answer your original question; yes, we do feel a great sense of responsibility for raising our boys as witnesses. One thing we keep telling ourselves is that we did the best we knew how at the time. We will bide our time and always be positive whenever we do have that rare contact with them.
thanks. keeping the door open and reminding ourselves that we were trying to do our best excellent advice. Also remembering that while we were trying to do our best in our own way we were constantly being told that there is no other way but Jehohahs narrow way.
jgnat
It is tough to make amends if the kids are not listening. So the parents do have to show patience, and hope for a time when they can have a heart-to-heart. My favorite article on repentance and forgiveness:
thanks jgnat. I've read some of the article and I do like the jewish way of thinking about forgiveness. I'll need to re-read it get more into what the jewish way is because it reminds me of what Zizek says about what it is to be a Jew and how we can all be enriched by this - recognising the non human in ourselves and in others. I think this has a huge bearing on keeping open a sense of responsibility and of making amends without becoming paralysed by guilt and grief. The catholic way of forgiveness also seems to contain a similar message. Both religions in some ways relate to ideas of social justice imo. Super boy thanks for bringing social justice into the equation. It reminds me of a case study that was done in Northern Ireland and which showed the harmful effects of segregation and of making people follow a narrow path that isolates them from outside group contacts. this case study (which was part of a bigger project that got underway after 7/7) was submitted to the UK government and it is nice to know that government is seeking ways to decrease the effects of communities that harmfully isolate people and is trying to implement policies that create the means for overcoming barriers.
Perhaps we need to do a Jehovahs witness case study.
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Ruby456
heartofboy - thanks for bttting
xanthippe
Ruby I feel very strongly that when people become ex-JWs and their adult children leave, no matter how long that takes, they should apologise for raising their kids in a dangerous cult. My in-laws never apologised to my husband or his sister and I really think they should have.
It severely damaged their children's lives and they have never acknowledged that they, at the very least, made a dreadful mistake. My sister-in-law will no longer have anything to do with them which is very sad. Actually talking about this has helped clarify it in my mind. The next time I speak to my mother-in-law I will suggest it, it might help her get her daughter back.
I agree that the damage goes very deep in children who have been brought up to follow only one way and have been cut off from outside influences. One step that parents can take is to apologise even if it means that they have to acknowledge to themselves that what they did was inhuman. I think it also important to not become overhwhelmed by guilt remembering that most of the time you were being harshly dominated and your choices were constantly being restricted.
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Ruby456
new hope and happiness - I agree that when a child becomes a man the issue of parental responsibility changes. I think even small outside group opportunites for association can make huge beneficial impacts when jw children reach adulthood
still totallyadd - thanks for your reply - lots of great advice
My hope is the grand kids when they grow up will seek us out and find out why we was not around them when they was growing up. Yes I have great regret for bringing them up in the Wt. Cult. But at this point in our live's all my wife and I can do is move forward and hope our kids see the light on of these days
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Ruby456
I've just sat here with my cup of tea thinking about what you all have shared and what stands out is the huge pain that many parents who exit experience over those left behind or those of their family who chose to stay on and cut themselves off from you. this is very similar to how the couple I mentioned in my op feel. I might print off this thread to show that they are not alone and what can be done co there is a psychological issue to deal with and also a social one.
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Heartofaboy
I just had to bttt this thread Ruby............ the same guilt features very strongly in my family & we are trying work our way through it.
I don't think my parents will ever truly forgive themselves for spending so much of our lives being controlled by the Watchtower organisation.
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nugget
As a parent we do the best we can. Sometimes we make mistakes. We were lucky in that it was easy for us to see the harm our faith was doing to our children. It caused us to examine our choices and be open to other possibilities and make changes before lasting damage was caused. If my son hadn't been the way he was we may well have continued as witnesses.
The organisation has spent decades refining their techniques and conditioning and controlling minds, they are very good at it. Trying to extract children who have already been through this process is very difficult especially as everything we do often plays into their hands or is rendered ineffective because of the loyalty to the organisation which is placed above love for family. The organisation is crafty and cunning they know what they are doing. they rely on our better qualities to do their work for them. We are not being beset by amateurs but by professional charlatons. Most of us are new to this but we a gradually catching up.
However the same genetic material that made us also lives in our children. The same issues with the doctrines and policies still exist and will continue to exist. The overlapping generation can't fool everyone forever and the clock is ticking for doomsday. When our children become adults they also take responsibility for their actions and choices. Having parents who have exited and still love them even when they are pompous, cult controlled idiots is the best gift we can give them. We must live life well be available and be ready for who knows what the future may bring for all family still in.
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Ruby456
I hear you heartofaboy.
thanks nugget -
We were lucky in that it was easy for us to see the harm our faith was doing to our children. It caused us to examine our choices and be open to other possibilities and make changes before lasting damage was caused. If my son hadn't been the way he was we may well have continued as witnesses.
witnesses are high on what is called in group bonding social capital but they are low on intergroup bridging social capital. What you are describing here below indicates that we, who are no longer controlled but who are aware of a degree of responsibility and who want to leave the door open to make amends and seek links, are high on bridging social capital.
Having parents who have exited and still love them even when they are pompous, cult controlled idiots is the best gift we can give them. We must live life well be available and be ready for who knows what the future may bring for all family still in.
you have reminded me of another issue and that is to do with whether or not you were actively disadvantaged as a witness in seeking to address your son's health issues adequately. If you were actively being disadvantage then your human rights and rights to equality as a uk citizen were being denied imo. This is an area that is very much part of active debate here in Britain and the more we press the contributions we can make to it the better. Even Jehovahs witnesses, although politically neutral and inactive, are citizens (or at least they self identify as citizens on passports) and as citizens they have responsibilities not to disadvantage others and this is a matter of public concern too - the organisation needs to see how vulnerable they are on this front.
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nugget
My son has aspergers and as h grew older found the meeting a source of distress. He could not sit still and quiet for 2 hours let alone a full assembly day and was constantly being taken out the back to be disciplined. He was profoundly affected by the illustrations in the literature since they fed his anxieties about unusual events. He was self harming in school and hid under the library table screaming about bad books and meteors falling from the sky.
The problem with autistic conditions is that elders and congregations generally have no training or understanding of it. Since autistic children find field service more difficult and cannot be persuaded to keep quuiet if they are hungry, hot, or cold then they are not contributers and therefore are not valued. I can recall only one article about aspergers in the awake magazine which was such a generalisation as to be worthless to mothers trying to cope. Certainly there were no articles about how to include them in meetings, understand their limitations or approach them in service. The society does not want people who will not work. The attitude of the other children who ignored him or bullied him showed an underlying contempt for those who do not fit the picture book witness image.
When I told elders that the meetings werre harmful to my son and if they could reassure me that there would be no talk of Gods judgement, armageddon, crime, violence, wars, earthquakes, murder, disease, pestilence, starvation angels slaying mankind, the devil or meteors falling from the sky we could attend they told me that they would be unable to guarantee that. I said "I can see no place for my son in this organisation" and they agreed. It was the cruelest thing an elder could say that their organisation which they considered to be the only hope for mankind was not open to a child with aspergers that put the final nail in the coffin for me.
What I will say is that leaving was the best thing we could have done for both our children but there is still a measure of guilt that it took us a while to see the issues and extract them.
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Heartofaboy
Wow nugget that's a powerful post................very moving.
The Watchtower organisation never made allowances for what children would hear at the meetings.............torture.............persecution..........babies being burned on altars.....................sexual matters that no child should have images of in their head.