Scared I'll Never be Happy Again

by Stumbeline 26 Replies latest jw experiences

  • Stumbeline

    So it's' been 8 months since I was disfellowshiped. I moved out of my mothers house accross the country to room with a friend. Things have been going ok, it's just strange to be so far away from everything that felt familiar, even the meetings. I would go when I was living with my mom, but since I've been out, I haven't been to any of them and it feels strange.

    I've been doing things I never was able to before. Smoked a cigarette, went out dancing, went out drinking, watched a few horror movies, cursed, hooked up with someone I hardly knew... My next step is dyeing my hair purple. It's like my lifestyle has changed so drastically within the past couple weeks, and I'm not sure if it's just that I'm still adjusting, or if I'm just still attached to my old life, but sometimes (especially at night) I just feel sad. I think about my family, and what they're doing, my old friends, and even the idea of a God that I thought was a friend to me and who I'm not sure even exists anymore. For Christs sake, my mother who I've talked to everyday for the past 25 years of my life is now gone...the only way I know she still exists is her chat icon that shows up every once in a while on Facebook. And I know the only reason that she's still friends with me on FB, is to watch every single little thing that I do. I lack such a feeling of home and belonging. I have a few friends I can talk to now, but no one I can really pour my heart out to or who would even understand the situation on the level that I'm feeling it. So I guess thats why Im here tonight...

    I don't know where to go or what to do. Either I cut myself completely from the life I built up...including the close bond with my family members, or I go back and pretend that I accept everything and believe it's the truth when i don't. I just feel like either choice is going to leave a giant void. It's like I finally realized that my life can never be the same again and it scares me to death.

    Sorry to be such a downer.

  • twice shy
    twice shy

    It is a scary hurtful feeling. I can assure you that your life will never be the same. You are not the same and never will be again. You've been damaged, disappointed, and probaly very let down. They may look at you different, but you will never look at them the same again.

    At times you may feel lonely, you might have to take up a hobby or two. Do your best to avoid an atmosphere of self-destruction. You arso much better than that. You will have good days and bad ones just as everyone else does, but just think all your days will be guilt free and you have the TTATT freedom.

    However, I can say with all certainty if you give your new life a chance it will be so much better.

    Your blessings will be double for your trouble.

    Remember happiness is a state of mind.

  • talesin

    Hi, there. I left when I was 18, and got DFd when I was twenty. Can I make a suggestion? Get some therapy, don't go back.

    Living a lie is hard. Remember the drudgery of being a JW, and could you do that for the rest of your life? It's a lifetime of depression and never feeling good enough.

    You've made the big step, and started fresh. I know it's hard, really. But, you have an amazing opportunity for a real life - a satisfying, fulfilling life.

    If you don't have medical insurance, you can still see a therapist. I've helped a couple of friends find clinics that have a sliding scale. One of them, pays only $11 per session. With a therapist, you will be able to pour out your heart, and know it's kept there in the office. You have someone that is there, to listen to YOU, and that professional can give you tools to help you heal.

    Read up on the 5 stages of grief - look up Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, she originated it. You have suffered a great loss, of your father. Now, another.

    Your feelings are real, and ALWAYS valid.

    This WILL get better, I promise!



  • never a jw
    never a jw

    Sorry to read what you are going through. I know that there's always a clear sky after the storm. It's not a matter of faith, but a matter of my personal experience. You will be fine. There are a lot of good people out there that can share their joy of lfe. just don't expect them to come knocking at your doors. They may, but it's better that you search for them. They are enjoying a hobby, they are volunteering, they are into sports, they are persuing careers, they may be in clubs of one sort or another. Life is beautiful, it is out of view right now, but you will see its beauty soon.

  • berrygerry

    Do you have any friends from your old hall that still supported you?

    Initially, I was surprised at the number of youths that lead "double-lives" (I.e. they're human, not drones).

    They've made a huge difference in my child keeping sane.

  • Wasanelder Once
    Wasanelder Once

    It is possible to find people that will eventually be able to listen to you and understand. Actually many here do just that. We understand the hurt. But you must remember the old JW teaching that if a spring in the hand is let loose too fast it will fly out of the hand without any control. Dont go out of control. You need your sleep and your wits. Of course you love those people. And of course you love your family. Now you must live without forgetting that love, but you must put it in its place. You ARE IMPORTANT no matter what the JW's told you about being a miserable sinner! Sounds like you are a pretty good one! Like all the rest of us. Its called life. So live it. Lean on your friends here. Be patient about building friendships. They will come. If you need therapy, get it. If you need friends? make them. Just dont give up on being free and honest with yourself. Good luck little Padawan! We are on your side!

  • villagegirl

    FIND YOUR WORK - stop wallowing in idleness and do something

    to improve yourself mentally, intellectually. Start a new journey.

    Not being a jw is not just getting drunk and dying your hair purple.

    Its finally being able to have a real life and use what brains you have

    to really do something. You are young, select a serious and actual goal.

    Examples : (1) You decide to become a nurse. You take action.

    You go to a college and start going full time. Get grants and financial

    aid and throw yourself into accomplishing this by hard work.

    (2) You decide to become a : teacher, web site designer, architect,

    engineer, marine biologist, airline pilot, artist, etc tec etc in other

    words - plan your own 40 year future. Make some good money doing

    what you love to do. Be successful. Travel. Join other groups doing things

    you love to do. Explore, experience all the wonderful opportunities there

    are. Lift up your head and look ahead.

  • The Searcher
    The Searcher

    Birds of a feather flock together!

    You have to find people with whom you are comfortable and can relate to. People who will share your values, standards, and have respect for who you are.

    It may take time to "filter" the people whom you encounter in your new journey in life, but it WILL be worth it. Just take people as you find them, and accept that not everyone is going to be "your cup of tea", nor you theirs!

    You WILL find strengthening relationships out there - if you are patient and enjoy the journey!

  • punkofnice

    I've taken up Kung fu. I may miss the delusion of false hope but at least my living is reality.

    I'm sure we'll all find our path one way or another. It's a bumpy road when reality sets in.

    Chin up!

  • new hope and happiness
    new hope and happiness

    Stumbleline, your never alone if you can find friendship with yourself.

    That sounds corny but when i left the organisation i realized i was only vaguely a friend with myself, a half blind man who one day wanted to regain his sight . I soon discoverd a big wide exciting world i never new existed and i was newborn alone and i realized the first thing was to find me...the rest the good and the bad will find you.

    Its a big step what you wrote and not the words of a " downer"

Share this