It's hard for me to start this topic bc I feel like I'm being judgmental, a quality I don't like in others and one I try to stay away from as much as possible. I really do try to be an understanding, caring person. I essentially believe that all people are good and I am shocked to my core when I am betrayed. It is always unexpected even when I have a clue as to what's going on.
Having said that.... the path out of jw-dom, in terms of making friends outside of Kingdomville, has been alright. I've honestly been too busy with my girls, with establishing my career and my life, to really worry about making friends. Even though that's the case, I've managed to make 2-- a really lovely Japanese lady and another woman that is a mom from my daughters' former preschool. My concerns are about the second friend...
Hannah is just too much. (I've been friends with her for about 5 months now). She was in an abusive relationship for a very long time up until very recently, from which she had 2 sons (one is in preschool, the other in early elementary.) This man (let's call him "Matt) one day pulled a gun out on her, and she immediately sought shelter with friends in the area, staying an entire summer separated from him. She eventually moved back with Matt to a city far-removed from her supportive friends. He sold her car and continued his abusive, alchoholic ways in private and in front of their children. Matt eventually kicked out her out (which I considered to be a blessing, honestly) and she moved to her parents' house. Despite his abusive nature, Matt allows Hannah to visit the children and spend the weekends at their old home to be with the kids. He's bought her clothes for job interviews, and takes them all out to eat as a family when she's there with them. He's bad, yes, but he's trying to be good. That's how I see it.
I wish that was the end of the story, bc then I could be fully supportive of her without my concience tugging at me.
Hannah also got involved a year ago with a married man (Ted)-- someone she's known since she was 15. Normally, I don't judge that. Affairs happen for all sorts of reasons, and I understand that. Hannah and Ted meet up at restaurants, spend the night together at nearby hotels. Fine. Whatever. But usually he stands her up often, or makes her wait 2-3 hours at a restaurant until he shows up. He's told her since day one that he was leaving his wife, but instead in that year that they have been seeing each other Ted got his wife pregnant with their first-born daughter, renovated the bathroom with his wife, and goes to events with her. Clearly, he's with his wife and has no plans on leaving her. Of course, my friend Hannah is just so worked up over what's happening-- crying, saying she can't handle being in second place, one night she even said that she wanted to kill herself! I've given her tons of advice, even scolded her and got mad at her, but it makes no difference. Hannah continues to see Ted and believes that she is the love of his life.
I get tired of the drama, but I can handle it because I see that she is troubled, needs help getting on POSITIVE footing, and so I think maybe I can provide the type of insight and encouragement she needs to move forward from both her abusive relationship with the father of her children and from her relationship with Ted. Only thing is, I feel like Hannah really pushed it yesterday....
She visited Ted's wife and baby at Ted's home. I told her it was CRAZY!!!! She did it anyway. Hannah spent 3 hours with this woman that suspects absolutely NOTHING. Ted's wife was thrilled to meet her. Hannah played with the baby, and Ted's wife put a video of Hannah with the baby on her instagram page. Ted's wife gave her a tour of the house, chatted up a storm, and was "NICE... Like VERY VERY VERY NICE." (capitalization is Hannah's own).
I've got to be honest here-- back in my jw days, I would've backed out from a friendship with Hannah because she has such a difficult time creating positive movement in her life. She has interviews, and cancels them. The exit door is right in front of her, but she refuses to walk through it. It's frustrating to be friends with someone that creates their own stagnation.
But visiting Ted's wife, it's just too much for me!!! I feel that continuing to be her friend is condoning her behavior. Back in my jw days, this would not be a debate-- this woman would be out of my life!! I understand now that life is more complex than that black-and-white thinking. I spend so much time thinking about Hannah and her situation, trying to provide positive support... After finding out last night that she in fact did visit Ted's wife, I really just want to cut her off. Be done. The drama is too much. She took it too far.
I don't know. I hate being judgmental. But this move, for which she said she feels no moral sense of wrongdoing and gave her an adrenaline rush, is just too much. I feel conflicted. I want to be her friend. But I don't want to be friends with someone that goes that far.
Thoughts?