Although I have been out for 8+ years, my recent experiences with this have taught me quite a bit. I believe most here would claim this is what mind controlled people do when they are in contact with a known "former" believer, so I think some deeper understnding of what is really going on is in order.
I always asked why is the "mind control" so effective and how do the organizations that intiate it, learn how to? I never really could find a satisfactory answer. I have read, (most of) Hassan, and while he goes to great lengths to explain what BITE techniques are and so forth, very little is actually discussed as to the nature of such techniques, let alone explaining why most, if not all, JWs and others in "cult" type religious organizations respond in the same manner to certain situations, that they "see" as a potential threat. The fact is, the people running the WT are not that intelligent or educated. They really cannot understand how to effectively and deliberatly manipulate people to all respond the same way. There must another reason for this.
Much of what I learned about authoritarian organzations over the last few years, (be it religious, national, corporate, etc.), is that they generally are not run by the most enlightened of the human race. That said, most, (take North Korea, for example), are very effective at this level of manipulation. The same can be said for certain political groups in my own country, (USA). None of people running these groups are particularly intelligent or well educated, but somehow they manage to control the masses. There is a parallel here.
The parallel has eveything to do with what "reality" one is exposed to. If a person is immersed in a way of life that is not in fact actual reality, but rather something that obfuscates reality, they really have no point of reference to know otherwise. This is why it is often damn near impossible to make any headway with born-ins, and why most of Hassan's work is focused on converts.
People listen to political talk radio shows to create that alternative reality. They are able to immerse themselves in their confirmation bias. The difference with these folks, is that there is enough actual reality to be demonstarted to them once they turn the radio off. So at least they have a chance. Unfortunately, this is not so with someone who is born and raised in a system that keeps them uneducated, poor, and reliant on the only reality they know.
I have found that even with those who are in fact educated better than the average JW, or who are more successful than the average JW, the reality they were forced to accept is too strong. They may be riddled with cognitive dissonance, but they do not know it, and do not try to point it out to them. They will dig their heels in deeper. Such is the nature of cognitive dissonance. I have found even with these folks, the mere presence of someone who they know no longer is a believer is too hard for them to take. The will shun by their very nature. No need for the organization to force them at all. They shun because they sense that a person who no longer believes is a threat to their understanding of reality. No words need be spoken about "The Truth" at all. The fact that an intelligent person no longer believes is enough for them to go running to hills to find their known "reality".
People experience cognitive dissonance because their intuitive brain, (the primary decision maker), cannot hold two conflicting thoughts in the same space. The rational brain, (much slower to respond), is capable of this so it can reason with the data. This is why if you get a JW passed the intuitive brain limitations, they will resort to rationalization to explain away the inconsistencies. The rational brain tries to make sense of the conflict, even if sometimes it has to resort to making 2+2=5. This is not the proper way to deal with the conflict either, but at least it is an attempt of the rational brain to work with the two congnitions presented. However, the rational brain seldom has time to be invoked in these situations. The fight or flight mode is invoked by the intuitve brain more often than not, and there you have the shunning response. Just about as involuntary as avoiding any other uncomfortable situation.
The bottom line is, they cannot help it. Unless they attempt to understnd the psychology involved, (which they will not do while still a believer), the response will be the same every time. Few XJWs understand this, a believing JW has little to no chance, thus no chance to correct the behavior.
Given the above, unless you are willing to live the consequences of being 100% honest with your loved ones still in, fading may be the better option for many, since actually coming clean with what you really know will only invoke ones greatest fear - their understanding of what reality is itself.
I DA'd 7 years ago, and I am now paying for it, a little...
d4g